Where’s the Big Hand, Doctor?

I hate to wait. I know, everyone hates to wait – but I REALLY hate to wait! Once I left a lover in the parking lot of a large grocery store on a hot, August afternoon because she was late. I even saw her in the rearview mirror running in high heels with a bag of groceries in each arm. She almost made it – but she was too late (search: Punctual). I’ll bet she learned a big ‘be on time!’ lesson that day – but I can’t be sure because she left me shortly after that.

Doctors are another story. I’ve always had this ‘mild dislike/hate’ relationship with sawbones. Because they can sometimes do something for me, I’ll give them 15-minutes. If my appointment is at 2:30, they have until 2:45 to get me in or I walk. No explanations, no apologies, no excuses. Just whoosh! – and I’m gone. And my new doctor is from the old “doctor knows best” school. What whines I have to hear! “What do you mean you won’t do that?” “Why didn’t you (fill this prescription?) (go this specialist?) (switch medications?) (join this program?) – JUST DO WHAT I SAY!” Right. I’m pretty sure my medical folder has ‘NON-COMPLIANT’ stamped on every page.

Plus the guy has no sense of humor! In our first interview when he was getting my medical history, he asked, “Do you do recreational drugs?” I said, “Whaddy got?”. No smile – just lots more writing. “Shit!” I thought, “now I won’t even get a Percodan for a broken leg.”

Today I lost all my chips in the Roulette Room. You see, doctors are getting wise to people like me. The nurse called my name about 2-minutes after I checked in and then led me to the Roulette Room – a place where you spin the wheel and take your chances.

After a little ‘input’ malarkey and a blood pressure read, the nurse stands up and says, “The Doctor will see you shortly” walks out, and closes the door. Then you spin the wheel and see how much time ‘shortly’ really is. Once ‘shortly’ was less than 2-minutes! (The last recorded case of that was in South Dakota in 1989). So you sit – and wait.

After 5-minutes, you’ve stepped into gambler quicksand. You say, “Well, I’ve already invested 5-minutes into this hand and I don’t want to just lose it so I’m not going to just leave.” So you spin the wheel again. At the 10-minute mark, you use the same “logic” and throw in, “After THIS long, surely he’ll come SHORTLY.” Another spin and my blood pressure shoots to the ‘stratospheric’ level.

After 15-minutes, I’m rummaging through the Roulette Room’s drawers and cupboards looking to rip-off something which would be of equal value to the valuable time I’ve wasted. There’s never anything good there. I mean – how many friggin’ cotton balls would I have to steal to make up for this aggravation?

After 19-minutes in the Roulette Room, I put on my coat, quickly open the door, and run right into Dr. “My Time is Sooo Much More Valuable Than Yours.”

“I’m sorry to keep you waiting, Mr. Paolo. Another patient had an emergency.” Right.

The first thing he does? Takes my blood pressure.

The first thing he says? “Uh, oh – your blood pressure is a pretty high.”

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3 Responses to “Where’s the Big Hand, Doctor?”

  1. You just don’t know what to say to the doctor when he asks you if you have ever done any recreational drugs. In fact as soon as you go in there tell him your having problems sleeping or staying awake (Both) because you used to do recreational drugs. Cocaine? No. Heroin? No. Painkillers? No. Crack? ? No. Speed? No. Just tell him durring the 70’s you lived in california and you took LSD at least once a week for three or four years, sometimes maybe five or ten doses at a time. That you tripped at least 2-300 times on at least a thousand to twelve hundred hits of LSD. In other words just make sure it’s a fairly young doctor and tell him the truth. You will become a specimen, an object of study, someone to give-what kind of drug did you want? to see if it will help you sleep or stay awake and kill the pain in your lower back and your arthritis. And you refeuse to take any more anti depressants-Zanex, buspar, or elavil. Tell him the thorazine turned you completely away from that kind of stuff. You get muscle spasms from walking and then not walking, in your legs and it keeps you up You’ll be able to answer “I don’t remember?” to anything..

  2. amy stahl says:

    THIS is why we are twins.

    Try standing behind registers in the store when you are waiting for a cashier.
    Maybe glide your hand across the top of the buttons.
    We like to call it, “The May I Help You”
    because you immediately hear just that and get service..

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