The MOST Annoying Television Shill

Recycled from April 12, 2008

It took me awhile to figure out why Jimmy Dean’s Breakfast Sun gave me such a negative, stomach – wrenching reaction. At first I thought it was the guy’s insipid, cheery prattle about why it’s better to eat a gob of microwaved, spiced turkey and pig guts mixed with fake eggs – instead of cereal in the morning. But that wasn’t it.

Then I thought it was because the nitwit has a superior, “sunny- bright” attitude even though he’s mincing around in a goofy, stuffed-sun costume which couldn’t win third place in a grade school Halloween contest. But that wasn’t it either.

Finally I discovered what makes me queasy the instant I see these spots: the damn dolt is so SERIOUS about this fluff. When he delivers a line like “Guys, I have to illuminate the entire eastern seaboard in 15- minutes,” he does it with a studied, earnest sincerity that makes me want to heave. I’d like to say,

“Hey Buddy, don’t get pissy with anyone who doesn’t chow down your greasy, concoction of coagulated crap – save your bile for the shyster agent who convinced you to take this lousy job in the first place.”

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