Thanksgiving is a Turkey

Would you like to ruin your Thanksgiving holiday? Invite over guests like me. If I actually came (at gunpoint), I’d probably just stuff myself in glum silence because I’d be too polite to tell you what I really think.

I think Thanksgiving sucks out loud.

I really don’t like tradition. Tradition is where it’s a citizen’s duty not to think – but to just ‘shut-up’ and feel the same way same way millions of fellow citizens are supposed to feel. Tradition is when you act like a human robot and go through mindless rituals which no longer have any meaning – if they ever did.

Thanksgiving is particularly odious because it’s based on a fairy tale and everybody stuffs themselves on some tasteless fowl you would never order in a good restaurant.

Fairy tale? Remember those wonderful, propaganda mind movies where the Pilgrims and the Indians all sat around a huge table groaning under a bountiful harvest like drunken poker buddies laughing and toasting each other? Never happened. For years, the settler-invaders couldn’t figure out how to grow anything in the New World and many starved (or froze) to death. And there wasn’t a whole lot of talking going on because the English didn’t know any Indian languages and weren’t about to learn. Grunts only go so far during holiday dinners (take it from an expert).

I’d love to see pictures of those “happy meals” with silent cartoon bubbles over the diners’ heads honestly saying what they REALLY felt. Above the Pilgrims we’d read, “If we get these stupid savages any drunker, we can trade them a few, cheap beads for the whole state of Pennsylvania!” And the honesty bubble above the Indians would read,

“Oh, Great Spirit – will these moronic, murderous buffoons NEVER leave?”


NEXT MONTH: “The TRUE Meaning of Christmas” or “Who’s Your Daddy?”

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