Take Henny Youngman . . . Please.

“She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.”

‘At the airport, I told the ticket lady, “Send one of my bags to New York and one to Los Angeles” She said, “We can’t do that!” I said, “Why?  You did it last week!”

“I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.”

“The more I think of you, the less I think of you.”

“I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.”

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