Posts Tagged ‘Octopussy’

Can’t We Just Spay the Bitch?

Thursday, February 26th, 2009

Octopussy wants to have more kids. Say what? That’s right. Nadya Suleman, 33, the woman who has six kids at home in Whittier, California (hometown of Richard Nixon) and who recently spit out eight more, has decided she wants to get pregnant again.

HEY, O-Pussy! You haven’t even played with the ones you’ve got now! What are you talking about? And – thankfully – there’s a good chance the hospital might not release your most recent spawn anyway. Why? Three quick, good reasons: the infants have significant medical problems, the home (your Mom’s) where you plan to live with your herd of 14, will probably be foreclosed in a few weeks – and (no offense) you’re a friggin’ whack job.

BUT- there’s a California, non-profit outfit dedicated to providing free housing and medical care for fragile, premature infants. The Agency, “Angels in Waiting” gave you an offer to completely care for your babies PLUS YOUR OTHER SIX KIDS about two weeks ago. So far you have not chosen to accept the offer and the deadline is tonight. ARE YOU FREAKIN’ NUTS?!

Look, Petri-dish Mama – this is a way to keep your family together and you don’t have any other good options. I hope you are not taking seriously the offer from Vivid Video (I couldn’t make this stuff up….) to do sex tapes for them. From what you’ve said, you’re even repulsed by having sex to have children (hence the artificial insemination.) Something tells me balling strangers with ‘Lights-Camera-ACTION!’ ambiance probably would not enhance the experience for you one little bit.

Now a Los Angeles lawyer has filed a complaint with the Department of Children and Family Services in Los Angeles County, asking it to open an investigation into whether you – divorced and unemployed – could care for all the kids on your own. If social workers determine there is a risk to the babies’ health, they could block their release indefinitely, at which point local authorities would step in.

So Honey, TAKE THE OFFER! If you need more fame, go on American Idol or the professional speaking circuit for anti-abortion advocates. But please do what’s best for your children- ALL of them.


Angelina Jolie to Adopt Octopussy’s 8 Kids!

Wednesday, February 18th, 2009

OK, I made that up – but can this story get any stranger? Nadya Suleman is the California woman who had eight babies at one time – in addition to the six she already has. The babies were artificially inseminated in a Petri dish. Now for those of you who are 6-th grade biologically-challenged, that means some gynecologist-pregnancy expert put eight female eggs into a beaker, dumped in zillions of sperm, and hoped one or two would be Olympic-caliber swimmers. Then SURPRISE! – eight of the microscopic human tadpoles got lucky and scored.

Uh-oh. Now what? Artificial insemination technology is now so far advanced – you don’t have to throw a dozen wet noodles against the wall and hope one or two stick – regardless of the mother’s ability to carry to term her hoped for spawn. So why was this guy going for the brass ring – especially when the single mom already had SIX KIDS?!? And who had the unpleasant job of saying, “Uh, Ms. Suleman – the procedure worked! The bad news is it worked eight times.”

Of course, Momma Suleman (who may not be a candidate for Mental Health Citizen of the Year and MAY have had plastic surgery to look more like Angelina Jolie) says “Bring it on! I’ll be the first mother in history to have eight kids at once!” So she shoots out enough babies to grab a majority vote on the Los Angeles City Council and the broke State of California pays $3.5-million dollars for the birthing operation ALONE!

And then the reports/rumors started. Was she really paid $165,000 to chat in her first TV interview? Is she on food stamps? Did she really say, “Sex creeps me out. I haven’t had it in over 7-years?” Did Angelina J. really say (despite receiving a number of fan letters from Ms. Octuplets) “This lady creeps me out.” And didn’t her own Mom say, “Well how long can you resent your own daughter?” And what the hell is the hourly charge for babysitting fourteen kids anyway?

OK, I’m no candidate for Mental Health Citizen of the Year either – but I’m not passing it on! And I do know that someone wrote a ‘Letter to the Editor’ today in our newspaper saying Ms. Shulman should be considered a “HERO” for not having an abortion.

HELP! HELP! – This planet is holding me hostage!!!