Posts Tagged ‘Las Vegas’

Cheaters Never Win and Vegas Never Cheats

Thursday, September 17th, 2009

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It happened again this week. Some friends came back from Las Vegas and the guy said about the dumbest thing any tourist can say, “We had a great time but we shouldn’t have gone into the casinos. I lost about $700 gambling. The casinos never lose – they cheat.”

Cheat?

I pretended to cough to keep from laughing. “The bastards!  How did they cheat you?” The response? “I don’t know, Franco. They rig the slot machines – they use marked decks for “21” (when a “gambler” calls Blackjack – “21”, you kinda know the guy isn’t playing for super high stakes). Whatever they do, you never leave the casino a winner! That’s how they keep these joints open.”

In conversations like this, I swear I spend about three quarters of the time trying NOT to burst out laughing. Sometimes I bite my lip; sometimes I cough. Sometimes I just try to think grim, horrible thoughts. What is it about me?  Am I a magnet for stupid people?

“Were you ever ahead?” I  innocently asked.

Sheepish grin, “Oh yeh, at one point I was ahead about $300.”

Me: “Well, why didn’t you just walk out of the casino then – with their money?”

“Oh, you know how it is. I thought I was on a streak…..blah, blah, blah”.

I smiled. He now had to hear the Franco “You Are Such an Ungrateful Slob!” lecture which goes something like this:

“Las Vegas doesn’t cheat because IT DOESN’T HAVE TO CHEAT, YOU IDIOT! They tell you exactly what they make in percentages. They make roughly 10-20% of a GAZILLON gaming dollars every hour – 24 hours a day. Why the hell would they cheat and risk losing the trust of their revenue base?”

“The world has about 6-billion people in it. 3-billion of whom went to bed hungry last night. Yesterday, over 40,000 children died from starvation and disease. You just came back from a wonderful 4-day/ 3-night warm vacation. You stayed at one of the world’s premier hotels and ate at fancy restaurants with your lovely lady. You saw a Hollywood star (I already forgot which one) and gambled like James Bond in a few nice casinos. A jet plane took you 2000 miles and back – in just a few hours.”

“And for all of this, you paid about one and a half percent of your combined yearly income – and you’re whining! If there were a god in heaven who believed in justice, your friggin’ jet would have been hit by a damn lightening bolt at your first complaint!”

“And, not for nothing, your crummy $700 might have kept the lights on in ONE casino for about an hour and a half. Somehow!….they might have limped through the night without the money they STOLE from you.”

Cheaters Never Win and Las Vegas Never Cheats

Sunday, February 10th, 2008

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It happened again this week. Some friends came back from Vegas and the guy said about the dumbest thing any tourist can say, “We had a great time but we shouldn’t have gone into the casinos. I lost about $700 gambling. The casinos never lose – they cheat.”

Cheat?

I pretended to cough to keep from laughing. “The bastards!  How did they cheat you?” The response? “I don’t know, Franco. They rig the slot machines – they use marked decks for “21” (when a “gambler” calls Blackjack – “21”, you kinda know the guy ain’t playing for super high stakes). Whatever they do, you never leave the casino a winner! That’s how they keep these joints open.”

In conversations like this, I swear I spend about three quarters of the time trying NOT to burst out laughing. Sometimes I bite my lip; sometimes I cough. Sometimes I just try to think grim, horrible thoughts. What is it about me? Do I have a fetish for stupidity?

“Were you ever ahead?” I asked innocently.

Sheepish grin, “Oh yeh, at one point I was ahead about $300.”

Me: “Well, why didn’t you just walk out of the casino then – with their money?”

“Oh, you know how it is. I thought I was on a streak…..blah, blah, blah”.

I smiled. He now had to hear the Franco “You Are Such an Ungrateful Slob!” lecture which goes something like this:

“Las Vegas doesn’t cheat because IT DOESN’T HAVE TO CHEAT, YOU IDIOT! They tell you exactly what they make in percentages. They make roughly 10-20% of a GAZILLON gaming dollars every hour – 24 hours a day. Why the hell would they cheat and risk losing the trust of their revenue base?”

“The world has about 6-billion people in it. 3-billion of whom went to bed hungry last night. Yesterday, over 40,000 children died from starvation and disease. You just came back from a wonderful 4-day/ 3-night warm vacation. You stayed at one of the world’s premier hotels and ate at fancy restaurants with your lovely lady. You saw a Hollywood star (I already forgot which one) and gambled like James Bond in a few nice casinos. A jet plane took you 2000 miles and back – in just a few hours.”

“And for all of this, you paid about one and a half percent of your combined yearly income – and you’re whining! If there were a god in heaven who believed in justice, your friggin’ jet would have been hit by a goddamn lightening bolt at your first complaint!”

“And, not for nothing, your crummy $700 might have kept the lights on in ONE casino for about two and a half minutes. Somehow!….they might have limped through the night without the money they STOLE from you.”

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