Posts Tagged ‘Kelly Rippa’

Kelly Ripa Nude

Tuesday, August 3rd, 2010

CENSORED!

This is one of the few genuine Kelly Ripa nude pictures in the world.  I drew it from memory.  Some people were offended by its raw, hungry nakedness so here is the PG-13 Version.  Ahhh, memories.


Offended by my Kelly Ripa Nude Picture?

Thursday, September 10th, 2009

censored

CENSORED!

This is one of the few genuine Kelly Ripa nude pictures in the world.  I drew it from memory.  Some people were offended by its raw, hungry nakedness so here is the PG-13 Version.  Ahhh, memories.

Kelly is never nude at: wwwPresentationsUnplugged.com

Did a Star Give You the Clap?

Tuesday, September 8th, 2009

clap1

What’s this silliness when performers receive a round of applause and then start clapping back to the audience? Now it’s beginning to happen EVERY time and it’s getting really annoying. Of course by now, you’d figure every empty-headed actor and actress would be doing it because they see everyone else doing it, but when Dustin Hoffman, Ellen DeGeneres, and my ex-lover Kelly Rippa does it, I’m COMPELLED to speak up.

Who started this lunacy and for what reason? If that person is ever discovered, I think he should be given a dose of the clap and be forced to watch modern situation comedies WITHOUT their canned laugh-traks. Clap over these, buddy!

What are entertainers “saying” when they give back the clap?

A. “Well, YES – I am a helluva performer – but your paltry applause hardly does justice to my magnificent talent. Here – I’ll help you by clapping for myself! God, I’m GREAT!” -or-

B. “Oh, stop! YOU are the REAL heroes – the ones who pay out your hard- earned cash for my less-than-worthy talents” (they’re being more honest than modest here). -or-

C. “Applaud me? Nay, I shall applaud you! We’re all equal here. Even though I make 10-kazillion bucks a year – and you have to wait hours in line for free tickets to be a TV prop called ‘audience’, there’s no difference in the eyes of the Lord. I LOVE the little people! God bless you each and every one!”

Every entertainer who gives an audience a clap-back should be given ‘The Clapper’ for Christmas AND NOTHING ELSE. Then they can clap and not look so stupid.

If an audience has never clapped for you, come to: www.PresentationsUnplugged.com

I’m Having An Affair…

Monday, August 31st, 2009

snap1

Kelly Rippa Nude (from memory)

I’m sorry, Pretty, but the guilt is crushing me. I must tell.

ENQUIRER was right. Yes – I’m having an affair with Kelly Rippa. We meet almost every day for an hour at my place, here in Rochester. And when I’m in New York, Kelly books a suite for us at the Waldorf-Astoria (or “Wallass” as we call it – private joke). She only books it for three hours because she’s smart with her money. Of course, in reality, she’d only have to book it for 3-minutes or so – but she tells me it’s the hottest 3-minutes she’s ever felt!

I KNOW it’s wrong – I KNOW! But can the mind say “No.” when the heart says, “Yes, yes YES!”?

I know you’re thinking, amazed readers, she’s not the type of woman with whom you picture me. There’s the age thing, of course (she’s older than most of the women I’ve ever dated) and superficially she seems very superficial but under that naturally, streaked blond hair, resides a shrewd businesswoman’s brain which, along with her obvious talent, looks and personality, has helped Ms. Kelly earn something like $30-million a year. (Beat THAT Brenda Lipshitz!)

Kelly happily chirps on in the morning like a robin in spring – on coke. (Oh, I just heard her tell Regis her Father taught her to drive – with difficulty. She told me the REAL reason: she found it hard to get used to the front seat!)

What’s she like in person? Kelly is just like you see her on TV – funny, smart, quick, supportive of “Rege” (he’s about 105 years old now – Willard Scott gave him a birthday greeting years ago)…..and, yes, astoundingly, goddess-like, BEAUTIFUL. All the magazines rate her one of America’s Top 10 Beautiful and Sexy Women.

Kelly and I always laugh at her incredible “beauty”. Sometimes she waves her feet in the air and yells, “Beautiful? What about THESE?” And it’s true she has the biggest feet in show business – but I love her more for that! It makes her almost human. (We laughingly call her feet – “flippers” – private joke.)

Anyway, it has to be over, Kelly. It’s the right thing NOT to do. And although I don’t want you to call me anymore, you’ll ALWAYS have a place in my heart. Good bye Kelly, my sweet “SCAF”.

love,
franco.


Kelly never needed speech coaching at:

wwPresentationsUnplugged.com

Rust in Peace 1995-2009

Friday, March 6th, 2009

Although declared ‘clinically dead’ Christmas week, 2008, for not having an alternator (See: “Alternator Alternative” in a previous post), my ‘95 Eagle Talon lived about 6-more weeks and gently passed away yesterday on Monroe Ave. She was 14.

Against incredible odds – no alternator, driver side door couldn’t be closed, a lifetime of less than 10 oil changes and three tune-ups, a hanging muffler, few backup lights, no horn, no heat, stolen once, no radio, non-working front seat belts (the back ones were fine), seven reported accidents, one dangling front turn light socket, one windshield wiper, 2 good tires, loudly-clicking tie rods, and (last week) me adding water – not anti-freeze – (who knew?) to the radiator, the Talon happily started every day with only a cheap battery I bought at Walmarts. The end came with a little puff of smoke and all her radiator fluid flowing onto the street.

Ironically, just last week she passed a NYS Inspection after I asked a friend to bring her to his ‘inspector’. The ‘inspector’ passed my Talon in less than 2-minutes. I’m told he only asked one question, “Did you bring the Scotch tape?”. And sadly, I was about to store her for the season to protect her from rusting salt – and bring out my winter “junker”. I shouldn’t have waited.

Rarely did a day pass when other drivers did not notice her well-designed attributes. Enthusiastically pointing, they’d shout through closed windows, “Your lights!”, “Your muffler!” “Your DOOR!” I’d knowingly nod my head and smile – sometimes I’d even mouth “Thank you” – and wave. I’m a modest man – acknowledging her superior features was always a little embarrassing.

Over the years, some have accused me of auto abuse – kind of like the ‘Chris Brown of Cars.’ But any minor mistreatment of my beauty was benign – sins of omission and emission – never of transmission.

I was quite sad and a little insulted yesterday just before the Salvation man towed my Talon away. He wanted to give me $50.00 in her memory. I wouldn’t take it though – somehow it would have cheapened our relationship. Instead I asked him to give the money to his favorite charity in “her” name.

He assured me he certainly would.

####

Tomorrow: BARBIE’S 50th Birthday!

I’m Having An Affair…

Friday, July 4th, 2008

I’m sorry, Pretty, but the guilt is crushing me. I must tell.

ENQUIRER was right. Yes – I’m having an affair with Kelly Rippa. We meet almost every day for an hour at my place, 10 Manhattan Square in Rochester. And when I’m in New York, Kelly books a suite for us at the Waldorf-Astoria (or “Wallass” as we call it – private joke). She only books it for three hours because she’s smart with her money. Of course, in reality, she’d only have to book it for 3-minutes or so – but she tells me it’s the hottest 3-minutes she’s ever felt!

I KNOW it’s wrong – I KNOW! But can the mind say “No.” when the heart says, “Yes, yes YES!”?

I know you’re thinking, amazed readers, she’s not the type of woman with whom you picture me. There’s the age thing, of course (she’s older than most of the women I’ve ever dated) and superficially she seems very superficial but under that naturally, streaked blond hair, resides a shrewd businesswoman’s brain which, along with her obvious talent, looks and personality, has helped Ms. Kelly earn something like $30-million a year. (Beat THAT Brenda Lipshitz!)

Kelly happily chirps on in the morning like a robin in spring – on coke. (Oh, I just heard her tell Regis her Father taught her to drive – with difficulty. She told me the REAL reason: she found it hard to get used to the front seat!)

What’s she like in person? Kelly is just like you see her on TV – funny, smart, quick, supportive of “Rege” (he’s about 105 years old now – Willard Scott gave him a birthday greeting years ago)…..and, yes, astoundingly, goddess-like, BEAUTIFUL. All the magazines rate her one of America’s Top 10 Beautiful and Sexy Women.

Kelly and I always laugh at her incredible “beauty”. Sometimes she waves her feet in the air and yells, “Beautiful? What about THESE?” And it’s true she has the biggest feet in show business – but I love her more for that! It makes her almost human. (We laughingly call her feet – “flippers” – private joke.)

Anyway, it has to be over, Kelly. It’s the right thing NOT to do. And although I don’t want you to call me anymore, you’ll ALWAYS have a place in my heart. Good bye Kelly, my sweet “SCAF”.

love,
franco.

####

(k – CALL ME!)