Posts Tagged ‘Gwyneth Paltrow’

Cry Me a Rivers

Thursday, February 12th, 2009

It seems Joaquin Rivers is taking the 10:10 to Crazyville. Wednesday night he was on David Letterman’s show promoting his new movie ‘Two Lovers’ with Gwyneth Paltrow – and he didn’t feel like talking. Now if you go on a talk show and you don’t feel like talking, it tends to get on the host’s nerves. It got on Letterman’s nerves right away and he started mocking Rivers new, wild-beard look asking, “So what can you tell me about your days with the Unabomber?” Rivers ignored him as the audience howled.

I saw all of this on a news report. I never watch late-night shows because they’re on too late, I don’t know how to ‘time shift’ my TV, and I don’t really give a shit anyway. So I never heard of Joaquin Rivers but I did a little research to see why he was driving in the break-down lane. My first thought was he had to make a movie with Gwyneth Paltrow (isn’t she the one who almost made Ellen Degeneres go straight?) But that wasn’t it. Nope – it seems young Rivers doesn’t want to be an overpaid actor any longer – he wants to be an overpaid RAPPER. Say what? Yep, as in a ‘spit-in-de-microphone-wassup?-women-be-shit-life sucks-YO’ RAPPER!

Uh, don’t Rappers have to be Black? Well I thought so – and that definitely is the preferred flavor – but it seems there’s an ‘Oh, alright’ clause for token toasties. Still, whitey rapping seems like a fat, Italian chef with a Chef Boyardee mustache singing “O Solo Mio” and making Sushi. Somehow the ambiance fizzles.

Now some people might be thinking I’m not taking seriously this kid’s mental collection of convoluted craziness. Some people would be right. See, last night I was walking home in the pouring rain and I passed this old homeless guy in a urine filled doorway. He just turned away and said something crazy. Ah, crazy people! I’ll bet the guy never even met Gwyneth Paltrow.