Posts Tagged ‘Ellen Degeneres’

Did a Star Give You the Clap?

Tuesday, September 8th, 2009


What’s this silliness when performers receive a round of applause and then start clapping back to the audience? Now it’s beginning to happen EVERY time and it’s getting really annoying. Of course by now, you’d figure every empty-headed actor and actress would be doing it because they see everyone else doing it, but when Dustin Hoffman, Ellen DeGeneres, and my ex-lover Kelly Rippa does it, I’m COMPELLED to speak up.

Who started this lunacy and for what reason? If that person is ever discovered, I think he should be given a dose of the clap and be forced to watch modern situation comedies WITHOUT their canned laugh-traks. Clap over these, buddy!

What are entertainers “saying” when they give back the clap?

A. “Well, YES – I am a helluva performer – but your paltry applause hardly does justice to my magnificent talent. Here – I’ll help you by clapping for myself! God, I’m GREAT!” -or-

B. “Oh, stop! YOU are the REAL heroes – the ones who pay out your hard- earned cash for my less-than-worthy talents” (they’re being more honest than modest here). -or-

C. “Applaud me? Nay, I shall applaud you! We’re all equal here. Even though I make 10-kazillion bucks a year – and you have to wait hours in line for free tickets to be a TV prop called ‘audience’, there’s no difference in the eyes of the Lord. I LOVE the little people! God bless you each and every one!”

Every entertainer who gives an audience a clap-back should be given ‘The Clapper’ for Christmas AND NOTHING ELSE. Then they can clap and not look so stupid.

If an audience has never clapped for you, come to:

Guilty Pleasures: Ellen

Friday, April 17th, 2009

I don’t watch much TV. It’s on in the background in the morning – usually starting with the “Today” show – but that’s about it. Lately I’ve even forgotten to turn it on sometimes. I compare it to the telephone. There are far fewer people to whom I’d like to talk than call, so I just have the machine record them all and get back to the ones I want. Maybe.

I know you won’t believe this – but I never once remember sitting down to watch an entire episode of a television series. Of course this drives other people nuts but a lot of people will watch any moving “anything” that drools before their eyes. I especially never watch “talk” shows because they suffer from a toxic sameness made from homogenized mediocrity. It’s almost always some goof sitting behind a desk talking about nothing to people whom I don’t know and about whom I don’t care.

In the ‘80’s I used to watch shows filled with stand up comedians. The truly bland – like Seinfield, Leno and Letterman – pissed off the fewest number of viewers and made it to the network level. Once there, any poignant rough spots were polished off so they could sell more useless junk to more dull Americans than their competitors. The ‘truly twitchy’ like Judy Tenuta (The “Princess of Panty Shields”), Emo Philips, and Gilbert Godfrey – the ones who made people like me laugh – might as well be on milk cartons labeled ‘Missing’.

But one ‘SUC’ (Stand Up Comedian), Ellen, always impressed me. I thought she was smart, very funny, and sexy. I still do. Her show has a lot of silly, original bits in it. And even if half of them fall flat, they’re still about ten times funnier and more fun than most of the crap you see after your local news at 11:00 pm. I think it’s remarkable her humor can make me laugh and still not piss off the average TV-addict. Maybe I’m getting older. So is Ellen but she’s getting better.

Cry Me a Rivers

Thursday, February 12th, 2009

It seems Joaquin Rivers is taking the 10:10 to Crazyville. Wednesday night he was on David Letterman’s show promoting his new movie ‘Two Lovers’ with Gwyneth Paltrow – and he didn’t feel like talking. Now if you go on a talk show and you don’t feel like talking, it tends to get on the host’s nerves. It got on Letterman’s nerves right away and he started mocking Rivers new, wild-beard look asking, “So what can you tell me about your days with the Unabomber?” Rivers ignored him as the audience howled.

I saw all of this on a news report. I never watch late-night shows because they’re on too late, I don’t know how to ‘time shift’ my TV, and I don’t really give a shit anyway. So I never heard of Joaquin Rivers but I did a little research to see why he was driving in the break-down lane. My first thought was he had to make a movie with Gwyneth Paltrow (isn’t she the one who almost made Ellen Degeneres go straight?) But that wasn’t it. Nope – it seems young Rivers doesn’t want to be an overpaid actor any longer – he wants to be an overpaid RAPPER. Say what? Yep, as in a ‘spit-in-de-microphone-wassup?-women-be-shit-life sucks-YO’ RAPPER!

Uh, don’t Rappers have to be Black? Well I thought so – and that definitely is the preferred flavor – but it seems there’s an ‘Oh, alright’ clause for token toasties. Still, whitey rapping seems like a fat, Italian chef with a Chef Boyardee mustache singing “O Solo Mio” and making Sushi. Somehow the ambiance fizzles.

Now some people might be thinking I’m not taking seriously this kid’s mental collection of convoluted craziness. Some people would be right. See, last night I was walking home in the pouring rain and I passed this old homeless guy in a urine filled doorway. He just turned away and said something crazy. Ah, crazy people! I’ll bet the guy never even met Gwyneth Paltrow.