Posts Tagged ‘Drug’

It’s Tough To Study for A Drug Test

Friday, March 29th, 2013

Sydney Levin, 34, of St. Charles, Missouri was out on probation for possession of a controlled substance and felony theft. When he got out of jail, Sid smoked a little weed but really wasn’t worried about it.  The reason?  He’d bought the famous $99.95 Whizzinator kit which advertises that it: “includes a prosthetic penis with an adjustable strap, a 4oz reservoir, one vial of lab grade synthetic urine, 2 eight hour heat pads, temperature indicator, detailed instructions, and a reusable refill syringe.”

Sid figured he could easily pass a drug test.  Sid figured wrong.

The probation officer who gave the test became suspicious when Sid started “fiddling around down there like he was opening a jar of olives.”  He was immediately re-arrested and charged with “possessing a forging instrument” and, of course, violating his probation.

Warning: It might be inconvenient to apply for the Whizzonator’s money-back guarantee if you land back in jail.


The Whizzonator:

Position Desired: JUNKIE

Wednesday, January 28th, 2009

Another model-booster-junkie friend is going back to prison – again. For a year – or more. Violated her probation – peed ‘dirty’ – can’t keep off drugs. Too bad, right? Right. Today she’s hating herself more than ever. She’s too humiliated to tell her family but, of course, they’ll know pretty soon. What’s a word beyond ‘humiliation’? Devastation? She’s devastated that her two-year old son will learn someday that his Mommy is a JUNKIE – from the flapping tongue of a relative or “friend”. I’ll bet the first time he hears it, he’ll be too young to know what it means. That’s OK – he’ll learn fast enough.

It won’t even matter if she breaks her needle avocation. Unless you’re someone who has the money and talent of someone like a Britney or Lindsay – and she doesn’t – you’re going to wear the red-letter ‘A’ – Addict – FOREVER.  “Once a Junkie, always a Junkie.” And if you ever kick it and try your best to be a good Mom, there certainly will be enough hateful stares at the PTA meeting and church to make you feel ashamed. Kid overnights? Not at your house, honey. You’d probably drag out the starter needles sometime between cupcakes and Twister.

Well, she did it to herself, right? Right – no denying that. And of course she should be punished, right? Of course. But she’s taking down some good people too.

Like her son and her family? Oh sure – but someone more important.

Herself? Noooo. She did it. She’s just a junkie – they’re not worth much.

Then who?

YOU, dumbass! And me – and every single American who’s ever paid a dime in taxes.

Christian punishment doesn’t come cheap, you know. Thousands and thousands of dollars have been spent to investigate this one junkie – to pee test her,  put her through Drug Court, Willard Drug Rehab, local drug rehabs, drug and mental health treatment progams, Wayne County Jail, Monroe County Jail, Ontario County Jail, and vocational rehabilitation programs. Money to fill the streets with Zero Tolerance cops and overtime, to pay all the counselors, correction officers, court officers, public defenders, parole boards and border patrols. And, the most expensive items? All the crimes she’s committed against us for her drug money and future ‘entitlement’ programs.

I’ll bet I could document a case that this one junkie has cost taxpayers over $1,000,000 in the past 8-years. Now multiply that by millions of junkies with a failure rate of over 90%.

The answer? Legalize heroin and give it to anyone with a doctor’s prescription. A government dose would cost less than 50-cents. Crime and disease would plummet.  Fewer families would be devastated.

Wouldn’t she take too much and kill herself? Not my problem, man.  As it stands today, it IS my problem – and yours too.