Posts Tagged ‘Cats’

Wednesday is a Scaredy Cat

Thursday, July 3rd, 2008

Wednesday the Cat doesn’t have a brave bone in her body. If there was a war among all the pets in Manhattan Square, Wednesday would be the first to surrender. Even the goldfish would fight longer.

Since there’s nothing to be afraid of in my apartment, her fear is pathetic – but a little funny too. She’s like a miniature version of the Cowardly Lion, whining her fear to me or her sister Tuesday. When she does this (at least once a day) I always pick her up and talk to her softly. Tuesday just ignores her. I really think she’s a little embarrassed for Wednesday so she pretends not to pay attention.

Wednesday has many secret hiding places but she most often crawls under the black comforter – not moving – hardly breathing – until she falls asleep. I try to tell her it’s really a dumb hiding place because anyone walking by can see a big, cat-shaped lump in the middle of the bed – but she feels safe there.

Wednesday is frightened by knocks on the door, dropped silverware and a friend’s toddling baby who just wants to play with her. And even though our smoke detector has gone off exactly once in three years, Wednesday suspiciously looks at it every single day as part of her regular routine.

Although many things scare my Cat, she is absolutely TERRIFIED of thunder and fireworks. Last Fourth of July, we had BOTH on the same night and Wednesday fled to her ‘ultimate bomb shelter’ – a small crawl space beneath the dishwasher behind a trash can. Here she lay quivering for hours refusing to come out and be held. She kept her eyes tightly closed and I knew she was saying to herself, “It’s the end of the world! Oh my God, I know it! It’s the end of the world!”

####

Just A Litter Bit of Bonding

Tuesday, May 13th, 2008

sunday.jpg

My best friend, the late, great Sunday the Cat got into everybody’s business. If you came to my apartment, you’d have to deal with her – one way or another. And this began when you first walked through the door! Many people who met Sunday told stories about her filled with words like ‘relentless’, ‘funny’, ‘a pest’, ‘moody‘, ‘scary’, ‘unpredictable’, and ‘nutcat’.

If you were a woman Sunday liked, she’d bond with you in a special way. If you used my bathroom, you’d probably hear a few scratches or quiet taps on the door. “One moment, please” you’d politely say thinking someone wanted to use the facilities. But Sunday never heard of the word ‘no’. There would be louder scratches and taps. “ONE MOMENT PLEASE!” you might shout.

If I heard the fracas, I would probably yell,

“It’s OK! It’s just Sunday the Cat. You can let her in.”

And then (from what I’m told) Sunday would trot in, get into her litter box directly across the toilet, look right at you, and pee.

Of course different women had different reactions to this “honor”. Most would come out with puzzled looks on their faces and say, “Why did Sunday do that? I’ve been here over an hour – why did she have to go just then?”

But some women knew. They just laughed and shook their heads at my best friend. These women were invited back often.

####

The Best Sunday Story? Type: Cat vs. Stripper in Search Box

 

Monday Tells!

Saturday, January 26th, 2008

images15.jpeg

Remember “Lassie”? Sometimes Timmy and his family would be eating dinner in ‘50’s black and white when their pleasant conversation would be dramatically interrupted by the bursting entrance of the bounding collie. Timmy immediately knew something was wrong and jumped up to translate.

“What’s wrong, Lassie?”
“Roof, roof!”
Timmy: “What!? Someone fell in the well!?”
Lassie: “Roof, roof, roof!”
Timmy: “And he can’t swim!?”
Lassie : “Roof!”
Timmy: “Well let’s GO!”

And then Timmy and the gang would all rush out the door led by Lassie, the ultimate canine hero.

Even as a kid, I laughed at the inanity of the dialogue between people and animals.

That’s before I knew animals could talk. Of course they don’t speak English but they can communicate many things very clearly – without sarcasm – hidden meanings – or false agendas. If I had any doubts about this, they were dispelled by Monday the Cat on a quiet summer afternoon years ago. If you’ve read some of my previous entries, you know that Sunday and Monday were our cats who were very much a part of our lives in the ‘80’s and ‘90’s.

Sunday, the top cat, lived for attention and figured out early in life that negative attention was better than no attention – so she thought up numerous ways to cause chaos and confusion. Sunday knew she could do just about anything and the only “bad” things that would happen to her were loud threats and chases down the hall as she left messes in her wake like tipped plants, stolen food, piles of toilet paper, chewed plastic, broken glass, scattered litter, dumped ash trays, ripped computer paper, and her people scrambling to find the “squirter” water bottle with which we were supposed to discipline her. Of course she always escaped before we found the damn thing and she was an expert at hiding.

Monday, the cat we got for Sunday, wasn’t good at being bad. She’d try to copy her outrageous sister but usually ended up confused and unsure what to do after Sunday pulled off another caper. Many times she’d be sniffing something like a crashed plant, seconds after Sunday vanished . When we’d rush to the scene of the crime, Monday would look up with big, innocent, frightened eyes that said, “Surely you don’t think I did this?! We ALL know who did this, right!?”

One summer day, T. and I were in my office when Monday the Cat burst in. She was in a panic! Her eyes were wild and the size of saucers, her ears were flat against her head, and her fur was standing straight up.

“What’s the matter, Monday?” we both shouted in unison.

Thinking back, there was no question of Cat/Human Communication. T. and I both knew exactly what Monday was “saying.” Something was very wrong and Monday could not
be any more clear had she spoken perfect English and had the voice of Winston Churchill.

“MEOW!” she shouted and then she turned and started running back down the hall. In an instant, T. and I jumped to our feet and ran after her. The three of us skidded to a halt in the living room and were struck with horror!

“SOMEONE” had left the terrace door open. This was the Number One rule in the apartment: ALWAYS CLOSE THE TERRACE DOOR! The previous year, Sunday dove after a bug and broke her pelvis after hurtling down four floors from my bathroom window. Our unscreened terrace was four floors above the pavement (not the grass) and there was a large tree filled with birds ALMOST within leaping distance for a cat. Sunday was crouched and quickly considering the possibilities.

Then, in one of the top five smartest ideas I ever had in my life, I quietly said, “OK, now don’t rush her. Don’t move!” I then slowly backed into the kitchen and in a loud voice announced, “Who wants TUNAAAAA!?!?”

“Tuna time” although rare, was the only event guaranteed to bring both cats running before one scarfed up the other’s portion. If Monday even hesitated for an instant to get in place, Sunday would vacuum her sister’s whole serving and then start on her own as Monday stared down at an empty plate.

Within seconds, Monday rushed into the kitchen (“I’m sorry Sunday might kill herself – but tuna’s tuna.”), Sunday sprinted across the living room floor right behind her, and T. dashed to the terrace door and slammed it shut. When Sunday saw there was no tuna, she probably realized it was a trick and started running down the hall with T. in hot pursuit loudly yelling at her.

Monday, as usual, didn’t quite know what was going on (she undoubtedly forgot about the whole terrace business as soon as she heard ‘tuna!’) and continued to look up at me and then down at the floor where the tuna should have been served.

Of course Monday got tuna and (no surprise) Sunday did too – but don’t EVER tell me cats can’t communicate!

####

A Tail of Two Kitties

Wednesday, December 12th, 2007

2-tails.jpg

The Cat Diner

Friday, December 7th, 2007

images1.jpegimages11.jpeg

Tuesday and Wednesday, my two much-loved fur faces, almost always eat each meal together from separate plates on their serving tray. The tray is washed and clean plates are set for each of their three main daily meals. This serving tray is neatly placed next to their ‘around-the-clock tray’ which is continually stocked with bowls of fresh water (iced in the summer) and high-grade dry food on which they can snack at any time day or night.

Of course this daily dietary regime does not include their special, small treats ( in effect, “Kitty Cookies”) – served ONLY when they are exceptionally cute, affectionate, or funny – which happens to be about two or three times a night. Now any honest, normal, indoor cat lover will tell you this is a pretty basic dining system; not exceptional in any way. In fact I’m sure this basic routine with only slight variations exists in millions of apartments and homes across America.

Further, cat lovers know that cats do not like changes in their routines. They are very sus- picious of alterations or variations in their daily lives. Like the contented child who never spoke until he was four years old because, “until now, everything was pretty good”, cats strongly adhere to the adage, “When there is no good reason to change, there is good reason NOT to change.”

That’s why I was surprised a few months back when Tuesday, my older cat, decided for whatever reason, to sleep late one morning. Like all families, we have our basic waking-up routine. When I get up at about 7:00 am, I’m accompanied to the bathroom by my two best friends who crash into each other, rubbing their faces on my ankles while insisting they’re nearly starving to death and could I please hurry before it’s too late? In a minute or two, after washing my hands, we three move as one into the kitchen where I prepare their breakfast tray.

But this morning was different. Young Wednesday was following the routine (although undoubtedly upset because she was flying solo) while Tuesday continued to sleep in her warm, cat bed. I checked her, of course, and she seemed fine. She slowly opened her eyes and then went back to sleep. Later, she put one paw over her eyes blocking the intruding sunlight while Wednesday finished her breakfast and climbed into her own bed for her morning nap. I was concerned but knew Tuesday had eaten her dinner the night before, had some dry food, plus her treats – so she probably wasn’t sick. Maybe, I thought, she was catching a cold, or was more tired than hungry, or, most likely, she was just being a cat who could do whatever she wanted – whenever she wanted – without explanation.

I sat at my computer, both cats securely in their beds under my desk, and began to work. After a few hours, Tuesday got up, brushed past my legs (hint, hint), walked to the center of the room and stretched slowly, luxuriously – as only a cat can do. She then ambled over to the breakfast tray, looked down at the one plate from which Wednesday had eaten, paused, and then looked over to
me – expectantly.

“Uh, uh, Tuesday,” I said, “Get with the program. This isn’t a cat diner! You wanted to sleep – so now eat your dry food.” Tuesday, of course, seemed to widen her eyes and
stare at me in what I assume was feline disbelief. I bit my lip and looked at the sweep hand on the clock over my desk. If I could just hold out for four or five minutes, I could nip this unreasonable behavior in the proverbial bud. Well, three minutes anyway – just three minutes – one can stand practically anything for three minutes! I turned back to my computer and dug in my heels.

I was completely unprepared for the second battle front that now opened at the Cat Diner. Wednesday had awakened, slipped by my feet, and trotted over to stand next to her furry sister. She too looked at the tray with the one plate of leftover scraps – and then looked at me.

“Meow!” she loudly yelled. While Tuesday’s appeals had been relatively sophisticated and subtle – the silent meow, the “hurt” eyes – Wednesday went right for my nerves! This injustice against Tuesday was something she just could not bear.

“MEOW!” she screamed louder still.

Need I tell you the rest? How I shuffled back to the kitchen, shoulders stooped…..a defeated man? How I again cleaned the serving tray, opened a new can of their ‘breakfast’ food, put it on two, new plates and served it next to their ‘around-the-clock’ tray?

Fortunately this was just one small skirmish; a slight blip on the radar screen of our daily lives. And, I’m pretty proud to say, it’s been months now and Tuesday and Wednesday have never tried that particular trick again. Every morning since that day, we’ve gone back to our regular routine. In this apartment, these cats know who’s the boss.

####

Sunday the Cat vs. Hannah the Stripper

Tuesday, December 4th, 2007

images-14.jpeg

images-31.jpeg

There are some cats born so lovable they melt the hearts of even the most faithful dog lovers. Others are so beautiful and graceful, everyday humans simply stare at them in admiration and respect. And some felines wear an aura of inscrutable mystery that inspires poets.

But Sunday the Cat was just born tough and grouchy. If she was born human, you could easily imagine her as an overripe teenage girl talking too loudly with a half-lit cigarette hanging out of her mouth.

Sunday was a survivor. Within weeks of her birth, most of her brothers, sisters, and Mother were wiped out by Feline Leukemia. As the vet took her from me in the waiting room of his office, he was very grave.

“If she was the largest kitten in the litter, she got most of her Mother’s milk.” he said. “If her Mom died of the disease, chances are almost 100% she has it too. It’s a horrible, hopeless disease. If she tests positive, shall I just put her to sleep?” I sadly nodded my head. Although I had known this marmalade kitten with the lioness head and the bad mood for only a day or two, she was already knocking on the door to my heart. I sat down and stared at the floor. After a short time, I heard the vet’s excited voice. When I turned around, he was walking towards me with Sunday in his hands!

“You won’t believe this: she tested negative for leukemia! I even gave her a second test at my own expense to make sure. She’s negative!”

Sunday quickly thanked the cat doctor by hissing loudly and taking a swipe at his face with her little paw. I also noticed a fresh scratch on one of his hands. The glare he gave the kitten was a visual definition of ambivalence.

Four months later on a hot summer night, Sunday must have seen a moth or bug outside my bathroom window. She dove after it and hurtled down four stories breaking her pelvis upon landing. This did not improve her disposition one little bit. She stayed two days at the emergency vet’s. She was supposed to stay three but the staff couldn’t stand her.

“She bites and scratches everyone who comes near her!” whined the vet’s aid. “We think it would be OK if she went home now.” I rushed to the hospital. When I saw this awful “aid” carrying my cat into the lobby, I stared in disbelief. Sunday was in a straightjacket – a goddamn cat straightjacket! (Who even knew they had such things?) It was made of thick lamb’s wool surrounded by heavy leather and buckled with wide straps. The only visible part of Sunday was her head which was wildly darting around trying to bite anyone she could reach.

“Get her out of that thing!” I growled.

“Sir, we have to protect our staff from …… “

“GET HER OUT OF THAT THING NOW!” The tinny-voiced drone who made a lousy career choice probably realized I was now more of a threat than a 6-pound cat. She gently laid the bundle on the reception desk. I started unbuckling the straps.

“Sir, be careful! She’s in pain and heavily-medicated. She may not even recognize you.”

“I tenderly picked up Sunday and held her in my arms. She hid her face in my elbow.”

“Well,” Tin-Voice said, “I guess she knows her Daddy.”

Before she’d even finished her sentence, Sunday turned her head, bared her teeth, and hissed at her. And although I often wish I could act more maturely in situations like this, I must admit, I did the exact same thing.

Over the next few years, Sunday became an overly-loved, spoiled cat who instinctively knew when she hit my patience limit with her constant demands for attention, games, and treats. When I rushed to grab the small water-squirter bottle with which I constantly threatened to discipline her, she rarely ran. She just bowed her head, dropped her tail, and waited for the extremely rare, soft stream of water. Who could squirt a cat like that? And when it was time to spray our plants, Sunday froze in wide-eyed amazement. You just knew her cat brain was saying, “But what in the world did THEY do?”

Sunday was the moodiest cat anyone had ever seen. Sometimes she could be the most gentle, loving companion imaginable. She’d tilt her head, stare at you with baby-love eyes as you lied on the floor softly talking with her – and then she’d run across your forehead at mad speed, full claws extended for no discernible reason. She terrorized Betty, the poor cleaning woman who was afraid of cats and followed her every minute she was in the apartment.

Sunday tried to teach Monday, the cat we got for her,to crouch and “hunt” the birds who landed safely on the other side of the terrace window. But she always seemed to shake her head and slowly walk away in heart-wrenching disappointment, tail completely down, when Monday turned out to be a student with serious Attention Deficit Disorder. She’d turn her back on all of us and just face a wall with her own despondent thoughts until we all begged her to cheer up and come play.

Attention was something for which Sunday lived. Once, when I was talking to a friend who stopped paying attention to her, Sunday jumped into the trash basket next to his legs and hung her big, raccoon tail over the side! Needless to say, all attention was again focused on her.

Have you ever seen a cat who climbed on the television after you’ve seated guests to watch a video and who then patiently waited for the opening credits to roll before dropping her bushy tail directly in front of the screen?

Or a pushy fur-face who would eat cigarette butts out of ashtrays and dental floss or anything plastic from the floor and then watch in delight as “her people” scrambled around loudly arguing if the emergency vet should be called – again? With Sunday the cat, incidents like these happened at least once or twice a week!

When my wife and I separated, she took Monday and Sunday and I became even closer.

Perhaps Sunday’s strangest and possibly most annoying eccentricity was her demand for me to watch her eat. Fortunately, this only happened three or four times a month. After preparing her dinner and fresh water on her tray and setting it down, I usually walked over to the computer or the television. Occasionally, for no apparent reason, Sunday would look at her tray and then stare at me. It was a routine through which we went countless times.

“Sunday,” I’d say aloud, “I don’t care if you eat your dinner. It’s no big deal to watch you eat – I’ve watched you eat dozens of times. Who cares if you eat?” I’d then make a grand effort to turn around and go back to my computer or TV. And then my blood pressure began to rise because I knew – I just knew – she wasn’t eating! Then I’d slightly turn my head and find her out of the corner of my eye. Sure enough – there she was – not eating – staring at me – just waiting for me before beginning her dinner.

Then, with a clenched jaw and a stratospheric blood pressure, I’d say to myself, “Well really, what’s the fuss here? If so little makes her happy, why not?” I’d then walk over to her dinner tray, lie next to her, and watch her eat her smelly, expensive cat food.

“This is the last time though, Sunday!”, I’d say aloud, “It’s no big deal to watch you eat. Who cares if you eat?”

When I said those words, she never even looked up.

Hannah was a dancer; an exotic dancer. All right, Hannah was a stripper.

“Dancer?” as one old drunk at her club once said, “These girls aren’t exactly Ginger Rogers. Hell, most of ‘em can’t even dance as well as Roy Rogers!”

I’m sure Hannah had no idea who Ginger Roger was. I asked her once – she didn’t – she never heard of Roy Rogers either. “Does he come in here?” she asked.

Anyway, Hannah was a beautiful, tall, lithe woman in her early twenties. She grew up on a farm in a small town and quickly decided “dancing” was a better career choice than raising goats – at least it paid a lot more.

She told me at first it was hard to keep from laughing when she pretended the cold, brass pole against which she leaned her bare back was really turning her on. But the men bought the fantasy and tipped her accordingly. Actually, after just a few minutes of conversation, Hannah completely destroyed the “dumb stripper” stereotype. “I don’t talk like this to every guy,”she once told me, “you’re special.” I believed her the first few times. Hey! – I was young and she was a lot smarter than strippers are supposed to be, OK?

Anyway, Hannah and I went out on a few dates and enjoyed each other’s company. It wasn’t too long afterwards that I asked her to my apartment. I invited her to sit on the couch as I went to the kitchen to make some drinks. She smiled, crossed her incredibly long legs, and elegantly lit a cigarette. After a few minutes I heard,

“What is it with this cat? Why is it staring at me?”

“Damn!” I thought as I rushed back to the living room only to see Sunday sitting on the coffee table, immediately in front of the dancer, intensively eyeing this possible rival. Now you must remember, Hannah grew up on a farm. Cats lived in her family’s barn only to keep down the mice and rat population. Having one as an indoor pet was roughly equivalent to making a pet of a chicken.

“Oh.” I lied, “That means she likes you.” Hannah looked at me skeptically through her cigarette smoke. It seemed men may have lied to her before.

“Really.” I quickly said. “Sunday is my pal and she’s anxious to meet you. Watch this. Put your hand out like you’re going to shake her paw.” Hannah did as she was told. For once it was an advantage to have an ex-wife who was a psychology major. T. taught Sunday to ‘shake’ on command when she was a kitten; it was the only trick she ever learned.

“Sunday, shake!”, I said. Fortunately, my beautiful cat extended her paw and shook “hands” with Hannah.

“I can’t believe it!” shrieked Hannah a little too loudly, ”A cat who can shake like a dog! She quickly extended her hand again, “Sunday, SHAKE!”

Before I could say anything, Sunday loudly hissed and made an impressive leap to the top of the couch millimeters from Hannah’s head. Hannah, of course, screamed and threw herself to the side of the couch. Of course if Sunday had really wanted to harm the lady, she easily could have. This was just a dramatic warning.

“Sunday!” I yelled, “Bad cat! Go to your chair! BAD!” Sunday slowly walked off the couch and skulked into her chair across the room. The glare she gave me reminded me of how she looked when I was dumb enough to buy cheap cat food on sale .

After a time, things settled down and Hannah and I became even more friendly. When it got warmer, she began to remove her clothes. When I complimented her on how sensuously she did that, she said, “It’s my job – remember?”

When it was time, we walked into my bedroom; Hannah, me……… and Sunday. Hannah and I laid down on the bed……and so did Sunday.

“Get rid of the cat, OK?”

“It’s only a cat Hannah, forget about it,” I said as I tried to start kissing her again.

“Well if you won’t get rid her, “ she said pulling away, “I will!” Then she gracefully hopped off the bed, picked up a squawking Sunday, tossed her out, and closed the door.

After a few pleasant hours, Hannah had to leave. As we walked into the living room, we both expressed our desire to see each other again. I quickly noticed Sunday was not around but I didn’t say anything.

I watched as the beautiful dancer began to pick up her clothes and was surprised when she looked puzzled.

“How did my clothes get wet?” she said as she brought them up to her unforgettable face. “And they smell. THEY SMELL! Your goddamn cat peed all over my clothes! Goddamnit! That bitch pissed on my clothes!”

I can’t remember exactly what I said next. I’m sure I babbled a collection of apologies, offers of dry cleaning, and pleas of forgiveness. But it really didn’t matter – Hannah was in a rage. I gave her a pullover but she still had to wear her wet, nose-insulting jeans. I offered a plastic bag for her other wet clothes. She snatched it from my hands. Somehow I knew we’d never date again; somehow, I was right. It was a long, silent elevator ride and walk to her car.

When I returned to our apartment, my furry roommate was eating her top-shelf dry food from a bowl on her Chinese red tray.

“You little bitch……..”, I snarled.

Sunday continued to eat and never even looked up.

 

sunday1.jpg The late, great, Sunday the Cat.

####

Cats and Canadians

Tuesday, December 4th, 2007

canadian_flag_t0307.jpgpolice-horse-vancouver.jpg

Sunday the Cat was a terror. Hardly a week went by when she didn’t dream up some new way to act badly. But Monday the Cat just wasn’t good at being bad. She’d follow her older fur sister and try to be bad – but she was just a copycat – and not a very good one at that.

One of Sunday’s tricks was the ‘Toilet Paper Waterfall’ which she would perform a few times each month. Sometimes when my wife and I were quietly talking, we’d hear the sound of a rapidly spinning toilet paper roll. We’d rush to the bathroom and find Sunday sitting on her hind legs on the toilet cover, furiously swatting the paper roll with both paws as cascades of toilet paper rushed to the floor.

“SUNDAY!”, we’d scream as she dove off the seat cover and shot through our legs. Her sister Monday would always be sitting on the bathroom floor, staring up with dumb, naive, feline pride.

One day, after the usual ‘Sunday!’ scream and sprint, Monday decided she was going to be a bad cat too. So instead of following her sister out the door, she hopped on the seat, sat on her haunches, seriously stared at the paper roll, tentatively lifted one paw………and then stopped. Her paw wavered in the air and you knew she was thinking, “Now, how’d Sunday do that? Why isn’t this paper falling down? And why are the people laughing at me?”

I thought of Monday the Cat when I saw a television report of a Canadian “riot”. Now even imagining Canadians rioting is a difficult concept for the mind to grasp. It’s like trying to picture a drunken, barefoot, Mother Theresa leading a Conga line at a wedding reception that has gone on too long. “Canada” and “riot” are words that just don’t blend well.

On this side of the world, rioting is a passionate activity fueled by global heat forces. An important issue which ignites a blistering riot in Venezuela killing dozens of people, rolls north through South America causing smaller, still-hot outbreaks injuring hundreds, pauses around Central America where thousands of angry fist fights erupt, and then lands in America where it’s often talked to death by wimpy newspaper editorials and snitty, radio talk show hosts. The hot issue usually fizzles out even before it reaches the cold, Canadian border. Which is just as well because most Canadians would be indifferent to it anyway, eh? If passion is only an infrequent traveler to America, it’s a damn space-alien to our Northern neighbors.

You see in the 17th and 18th centuries, England sent its worst criminals and religious zealots to America and its quietest, most orderly citizens to Canada. As wild, American adventurers slashed and slaughtered their way West, Canadians spoke softly, and at length, to their own natives. The Indians gave them all sorts of land; perhaps because there was so much of it – but more likely, they were just trying to escape the incessant, energy-free drone of the new Canadians and didn’t want to hurt their feelings.

Canada evolved quietly – orderly. And if a mutant wild-man burst through the calmness of their gene pool, say an Alex Trabeck or a Lorne Green, the Canadians politely asked them to move south with the rest of the crazies. The only loons allowed in Canada were to be on lakes and coins.

So when I heard the television announcer say “riot in Canada”, I immediately started to pay attention. Really – what could possibly shoot up a Canadian’s blood pressure enough for him to disturb the tranquility of the place? The answer was embarrassingly obvious: hockey. And not only hockey, but a Canadian hockey team losing to an American hockey team! How revolting! After the game ended, thousands of Canadian fans flowed out of the arena and into the street. It seems they didn’t want to go home; almost couldn’t go home -drenched in depressing , degrading defeat. So they milled around together – bonded by a tragic loss, weepy tears, and fueled by too much of the fermented national beverage. Soon a department store window was broken – and the crowd decided to “riot” – Canadian-style.

It was hard to watch. Like Monday the Cat, they didn’t quite know what to do. Some danced to music only they heard. Others walked on the hoods and roofs of cars balancing with one hand as the other clenched a can or bottle. Many drunkenly smiled and waved at cameras and camcorders guaranteeing their place in oblivious -nitwit history. (“No dear, that’s not Mommy. I was at University that day and we all watched this debacle with disgust.”)

One inspired rioter-trainee managed to mount heavy electrical lines a good 20- or 30- feet over the crowd and began an impromptu tightrope walking show with real sparks popping. The confused Canadians, either to keep the dolt from electrocuting himself or to show off their superior target shooting skill, began to hurl bottles and cans at the guy. They could have used a lot more practice.

Most of the containers missed, but, of course, crashed on the heads of the mob on the other side of the wire. This prompted massive, retaliatory can and bottle throwing from that team. Finally, someone scored. The dope took an impressive dive onto the pavement and it was about that time when all the police arrived. Lots of police; seemingly hundreds of them.

While the police began lining up in an impressive formation, a loudspeaker blared a woman’s voice, “Would you please disperse? You must leave this area! Would you please disperse?”

My mouth dropped in amazement. “Please disperse” – from the police? As an old antiwar protester who’s been gassed and smashed in a number of American cities in the ‘60’s and ‘70’s, I can tell you, I never once heard anything like that. Maybe we’d hear some harsh static shouted into a bullhorn – but more likely, we heard “thumps” and screams as angry police parted the hair and heads of hapless demonstrators with big-time billy clubs. But this was Canada – and the protesters seemed to get annoyed that anyone in authority would even speak to them like that. So no one moved and their taunts grew louder. That’s when the first tear-gas canisters were shot at the street near the front line of demonstrators.

Now, everyone in the world learned in ‘Rioting-101’ that a tear gas canister should be picked up with a gloved hand and thrown back at the police. I mean, that’s basic; you’ve seen it dozens of times on TV, right? But not these innocent newbies. They just left the bombs where they landed. Then, while most of the crowd moved back, a handful of chowder-heads actually hung around the gas-spitting canister and looked at it like it was just a large version of the smoke bombs they set off in the sixth grade. Surprise! Soon they started coughing and wretching and falling down and making a terrible fuss. It was just too embarrassing to watch.

Then the loudspeakers told the police to ‘put on their helmets’ and advance. I mean really! Police had to be told to put on their riot helmets? What the hell did they think they were going to do with them – throw them at unruly rioters? Obviously everyone was new at this and as awkward as a seventh grader at his first dance.

As the crowd began to disperse, a few stragglers were still defiant – or drunkenly confused. That’s when the batons went into action. Some cops lightly struck the legs of some protesters to help them along. The scene provoked some long-ago memories of 1968 when Chicago police swung their clubs at the heads of demonstrators like they were trying to hit home runs out of Wrigley Field. But this was Canada. There were no baseball bat sized clubs. The Canadian police batons seemed thinner than those of high school marching band majorettes. And they were used with restraint, almost reluctantly.

I turned off the television. Actually, I didn’t know quite how to feel about this rare, Canadian riot. I’m glad Canada is America’s closest neighbor. I can’t think of any country in the world I would prefer to take it’s place And then I smiled when I remembered the late, Monday the Cat. Monday appeared silly only when she tried to be like Sunday, the cat of bold, eccentric mischief and badness. Monday herself was gentle and peaceful and loving. Each had her own wonderful gifts – and each was fiercely loved for herself.

I miss them both – a lot.

####