Posts Tagged ‘Cats’

In Memory of “TG”

Tuesday, March 26th, 2013

“TG” the Cat passed away yesterday but left wonderful memories and a great story. Years ago, my friend Lee went to visit a man who’s friend Tony died and left a kitten named “Scorpio.”  In his grief, the friend sent Scorpio to Lollypop Farm, a local animal shelter.

Lee was horrified.  She didn’t even know Tony had a cat because his building didn’t allow pets.  She quickly called the shelter and rescued Scorpio.  Never being shy about her opinions, Lee thought “Scorpio” was a dumb name and renamed her “Tony’s Girl” (TG for short) in memory of the cat’s first owner.

TG lived a loved life for 15-years with Lee and her husband Paul.  Some people might say TG had some lousy breaks in having a person who died and then being dumped in an animal shelter.  However I can tell you for sure, TG knew she was one of the luckiest cats in the world.

Wednesday is a Scaredy Cat

Thursday, July 23rd, 2009

wd

Wednesday the Cat doesn’t have a brave bone in her body. If there was a war among all the pets in Manhattan Square, Wednesday would be the first to surrender. Even the goldfish would fight longer.

Since there’s nothing to be afraid of in my apartment, her fear is pathetic – but a little funny too. She’s like a miniature version of the Cowardly Lion, whining her fear to me or her sister Tuesday. When she does this (at least once a week) I always pick her up and talk to her softly. Tuesday just ignores her. I really think she’s a little embarrassed for Wednesday so she pretends not to pay attention.

Wednesday has many secret hiding places but she most often crawls under the black comforter – not moving – hardly breathing – until she falls asleep. I try to tell her it’s really a dumb hiding place because anyone walking by can see a big, cat-shaped lump in the middle of the bed – but she feels safe there.

Wednesday is frightened by knocks on the door, dropped silverware and a friend’s toddling baby who just wants to play with her. And even though our smoke detector has gone off exactly once in three years, Wednesday suspiciously looks at it every single day as part of her regular routine.

Although many things scare my Cat, she is absolutely TERRIFIED of thunder and fireworks. Last Fourth of July, we had BOTH on the same night and Wednesday fled to her ‘ultimate bomb shelter’ – a small crawl space beneath the dishwasher behind a trash can. Here she lay quivering for hours refusing to come out and be held. She kept her eyes tightly closed and I knew she was saying to herself, “It’s the end of the world! Oh my God, I know it! It’s the end of the world!”

Could They Be Lebanese?

Thursday, May 7th, 2009

tuesdaywednesday1

About a year ago, Joseph and I were discussing Tuesday and Wednesday, the cats who once owned me. Joseph is a hair stylist and also a very fine artist. While cutting my hair, our conversation went something like this:

“Franco, did you ever notice anything strange about Tuesday and Wednesday?”

“Like what, Joseph?

“Like they’re very affectionate towards each other. And they’re both female, right?”

“Yeh, so?”

“Well, I don’t know. It seems they’re gaining a bit of weight and they’re awfully close.”

“I guess so. They just lie around and watch the birds through the windows and nap whenever they want. That’s what cats are supposed to do. So what?”

“Do they favor flannel shirts, Franco – inside your closet – or OUT?”

“Joseph – I don’t have any flannel shirts.”

“Do they ever walk away from each other quickly when you come into the room?”

“Well yeh – I’ve noticed that. I just assumed they were dissing me and didn’t want me to hear. I love them anyway.”

“When you watch ‘Ellen’, Franco, do they ever watch it with you?”

“Joseph, they watch whatever is on. They can’t work the remote.”

“Hmmm.”

“What?”

“Just hmmm.”

That Joseph – he’s a great hair stylist and artist but he doesn’t know squat about cats!

####

Shall I Pour More Wine into your Water Bowl?

Friday, February 20th, 2009

Anyone who knows me knows I like cats better than people. Nothing personal but chances are a cat is more interesting than you – or me – or any glam-glitzy movie starlet without a script. Cats are honest. If they like you, you’ll have one of the most fascinating friends in the world. And if they don’t like you, they have been known to develop cases of selective amnesia and immediately forget where their litter boxes are.

Honesty is big with cats. That’s why I know they burst out laughing (you can’t hear them – but I can) when they see commercials for the elegant presentations of the convoluted concoctions like you see above.

Looks good, doesn’t it? Makes you want to dive right in, right?  This one is Wild Salmon Primavera in a Classic Sauce with “garden” Veggies (as opposed, I guess, to those which are grown between the cracks of sidewalks) and greens. Ummm. These new “Elegant Medleys” are created by Purina which makes “Fancy Feast” and less expensive brands of cat food. The Purina advertisements say these selections are “restaurant inspired” –which certainly is good news for those feline connoisseurs currently eating scraps out of restaurant dumpsters.

Unfortunately, few cats will be terribly enthusiastic about the new colors in the Medley menu. You see, cats can’t see many colors; in fact, some experts claim they can’t see ANY colors. And the veggie thing? Well, some cats will eat SOME vegetables sometimes – but since they’re mainly meat-eaters, greens are more likely to be a bland afterthought or a means of aiding digestion.

Texture? Cats are far-sighted and extremely sensitive to movement so they can hunt prey. Their extraordinary sense of smell is also a hunting tool. So a clump of stationary mush with different shapes, sizes, and colors – out of a metal can – isn’t much of a feline thrill no matter what foreign, fancy adjectives you slap on the label.

So what’s the big deal here? Well, one thing is the price. You can buy a no-name brand of cat food for about 29-cents a can. The “Fancier Feasts” start up at 59-cents. And these feline culinary, memorable treasures you can barely pronounce? Over a dollar; sometimes, WAY over a dollar a can. Of course this point is moot because Fluffy isn’t picking up the tab-by anyway.

Well then, why would this product even be made? Let me answer that with another question: what’s born every minute?

####

Wednesday is a Scaredy Cat

Saturday, December 6th, 2008

Shhhh….Recycled

Wednesday the Cat doesn’t have a brave bone in her body. If there was a war among all the pets in Manhattan Square, Wednesday would be the first to surrender. Even the goldfish would fight longer.

Since there’s nothing to be afraid of in my apartment, her fear is pathetic – but a little funny too. She’s like a miniature version of the Cowardly Lion, whining her fear to me or her sister Tuesday. When she does this (at least once a day) I always pick her up and talk to her softly. Tuesday just ignores her. I really think she’s a little embarrassed for Wednesday so she pretends not to pay attention.

Wednesday has many secret hiding places but she most often crawls under the black comforter – not moving – hardly breathing – until she falls asleep. I try to tell her it’s really a dumb hiding place because anyone walking by can see a big, cat-shaped lump in the middle of the bed – but she feels safe there.

Wednesday is frightened by knocks on the door, dropped silverware and a friend’s toddling baby who just wants to play with her. And even though our smoke detector has gone off exactly once in three years, Wednesday suspiciously looks at it every single day as part of her regular routine.

Although many things scare my Cat, she is absolutely TERRIFIED of thunder and fireworks. Last Fourth of July, we had BOTH on the same night and Wednesday fled to her ‘ultimate bomb shelter’ – a small crawl space beneath the dishwasher behind a trash can. Here she lay quivering for hours refusing to come out and be held. She kept her eyes tightly closed and I knew she was saying to herself, “It’s the end of the world! Oh my God, I know it! It’s the end of the world!”

####

Cattaco Doesn’t Like Her Costume

Sunday, October 12th, 2008

19-Days Until Halloween!

If this doesn’t melt your heart….

Monday, July 28th, 2008

fall on the floor – because you’re dead.

Paste into your browser: http://youtube.com/watch?v=adYbFQFXG0U

####

Tomorrow: “Paolo’s SUNDAY SCHOOL of SPEAKING

Sunday Went to Heaven (The Conclusion)

Wednesday, July 16th, 2008

When Paolo finally caught up to Sunday, he could see she was in a tizzy. She was pounding all four paws on the ground and jumping up and down.

“Are you nuts? Are you friggin’ nuts?!” she cried. Paolo gently smiled.

“You don’t have to sacrifice your life in eternity to take care of me.” she said loudly. “I’ve lived without you for years! I don’t need YOU! You’re just stupid – stupid!”

Paolo smiled again and then he said very softly, “Uh, Pretty. Have you ever considered I just might need YOU forever?”

Sunday had a smart, mean remark to deliver in reply…but the lump in her throat broke it up into pieces and her hidden tears washed away the remnants. She turned her head and started to fiercely walk down the silver walkway. She could only mumble “Stupid! Just stupid!”

After walking many silver miles, the Cat and her person began to see an incomprehensibly huge Kingdom floating in the sky. It seemed to radiate an abundance of clear, brilliant, loving energy and had a simple cloud stairway which touched down to the silver roadway.

Sunday and Paolo could not speak. They started walking faster to the stairway and then saw an even stranger sight: there was an old guard sitting in front of the stairs and he was asleep in his chair! And he wasn’t just asleep – he was snoring – loud, resounding snores, with a wide-open mouth. When they were in front of him, Paolo picked up Sunday and cleared his throat to awaken the guard.

“Huh?!” The guard said. “Is that you, Paolo? Christ! You’re late,” then, “Hi, Sunday! So Paolo – you were never late on Earth – why are you late here? Been pickin’ up some bad habits since you died?”

Paolo didn’t know quite what to say. “Umm, where are we?”

The guard’s head rolled back in laughter. “Where are you? You’re about to walk up the stairway to Heaven! Where the hell did you think you were?”

Paolo and Sunday looked at each other in stunned silence. The guard saw their bewilderment and shook his head.

“Yeh, we were a little shocked you made it, too. But there’s lots of room in Heaven – enough for everyone – even you guys!” Here the guard started to laugh even harder.

“But,” Paolo said, “that guy back there – he said THAT was Heaven.”

“The guard dropped his voice. “Just between us – that place isn’t Heaven – it’s hell. Ya see we kind of use it as one last test. All that ‘No Pets’ crap – oh brother! Why the hell would Heaven want people who would abandon their best friends?”

“So ‘Welcome’ Sunday and friend!  Oh.  And Paolo – I was just kidding you about being late.  Nobody is ever late when the only time is ‘forever’ ”

##

Sunday Went to Heaven (Part 2)

Wednesday, July 16th, 2008

After walking a long time, the Cat and the man stopped before a magnificent, golden gate encrusted in diamonds. Above it, in a brilliant display of white light, there was a sign that simply said “Heaven”. The pair were in awe!

“Welcome, Mr. Paolo,” boomed the loud voice of a man, formally dressed, sitting behind a stupendous, platinum desk. “Come right in.” The lordly gate slowly began to open.

“I can hardly believe I made it to Heaven,” Paolo chuckled, “Somebody must have made a mistake.” He picked up Sunday and started to walk through the gate.

“Pardon me, Mr. Paolo,” the man loudly said, “pets aren’t allowed in Heaven.” The man had a very serious look on his face. Sunday looked down in embarrassment and fear. Paolo couldn’t believe it!

“Yah, well Sunday isn’t a pet – she’s family,” Paolo said trying to ease the tension.

“Would you please put down the cat and walk through the gate. People are waiting for you.”

Paolo stopped trying to be friendly. “Listen up you pompous nitwit. I am never again going ANYWHERE without Sunday! Now get your fat ass out of that seat and fetch me your manager. NOW!” The man’s mouth dropped open. Sunday struggled to jump down and run away- she was afraid something like this would happen. She didn’t want her person to be doomed for all eternity because of his love for her. Paolo held her tighter.

The man jumped to his feet. His face was flushed red and his eyes seemed to bulge.

“I AM the Manager,” he screamed. “I AM THE MANAGER OF THE UNIVERSE!”

Paolo calmly nodded his head. “I figured as much,” he said. “It would take a real tool like you to screw everything up as much as it is…..”

“GET OUT!” bellowed the man. In a valiant push and leap, Sunday jumped from Paolo’s arms and started running away from the gate.

“Oh, big man!” said Paolo. “You can bully a 9-pound cat – wanna bully me? Why are you so friggin’ weird? Did your Mother breast-feed you through a straw?”

“Get out! YOU’RE DOOMED! GET OUT!” Paolo walked a few steps and then turned back and yelled, “Good job on Spina Bifida, Mr. Manager – and your Pope sucks too!”

“GET OUT! GET OUT!!” screamed the master of the universe.

##

(TO BE CONTINUED)

Sunday Went to Heaven (Part 1)

Tuesday, July 15th, 2008

Sunday the Cat at a Ribbon Party – circa: 1990’s.

One day a middle-aged, formerly-fit writer died of acute cerebral boredom. When he opened his eyes, he was in a lush, manicured park with fountains – and grass so perfect it made a golf course look like the crummiest lawn on your street. Suddenly, he saw a ball of orange and white fur running towards him as fast as she could.

“SUNDAY!”, he cried. He picked up his most-loved pet and hugged her dearly.

“Jeez! It sure took you long enough to get here!”

The man whirled around to see who had spoken. The marmalade Cat rolled her eyes and shook her head.

“Of course I can talk! Can you leap 5-times your height? I knew you weren’t getting any smarter down there – but Jeez!”

The writer laughed. “Same old Sunday; ” he thought, “a cake full of love with a crabby frosting.”

“We’d better get going,” Sunday said. But the man detected a little nervousness in her voice – a lack of confidence – a trait she never showed on Earth.

“Where?”

The Cat nodded towards a granite marker with a golden arrow. “HEAVEN” was all it said.

The pair started walking down a silver road with a magnificent structure in the far distance.

The Cat’s Person spoke first: “Wow! This looks like real silver and feels like we’re on the yellow brick road to Oz.”

Sunday sighed. “It’s probably not a good idea to compare this walkway to a cheap, back lot set in Burbank,” she said.

##

(TO BE CONTINUED TOMORROW)