Riders: Beware of Brats, Fats, & Yaks

Riding the bus is still a trip! One year after my car died,  the bus continues to be an adventure.  I’ve seen people up close and personal that I previously saw only on television. Of course then you can turn them off.  And you can’t smell them either.

Many of the younger riders look like wannabe gangstas and rappers.  Sometimes I think I should just call ‘America’s Most Wanted’ and say,”Yup, John – I’ve found ‘em ALL! Every last one of the damn suckers is now on Bus #7 rolling down Monroe Avenue in Rochester, New York.”

If you ever go-by-bus, here are some travel tips I’ve learned:

– the bus ONLY stops at designated stops. If you’re walking between stops and you see the bus, do NOT step into the street and wave your arms. Everyone laughs at you – ESPECIALLY the driver. Some jerks even wave.

– do not sit near high school students. The bus should just drop them all off at the county jail – it’ll save time – cut out the middlemen. It’s painful – PAINFUL – to hear them speak, YO! They crowd you, spit, honk, snort, belch, blow, and fart! And the guys are even worse – WORD UP, YO!

– feel fat? Ride the bus. Sometimes when a ‘2-seater’ comes huffing slowly down the aisle, I feel positively anorexic! Stare at them! If you politely pretend to look out the window, they’ll slam their huge jello butts into the seat and a half next to you. Tip: take a long piece of dental floss, stick it between your two front teeth, hang it out of your half-open mouth, then stare at the ceiling before they get on. Chances are good the brats and fats won’t sit with you.

– yakers – people who talk CONSTANTLY to you – are the worst! On planes I used to pretend I was deaf in the ear on their side. Polite business people would usually shut up. But this is the friggin’ bus – they don’t take the hint! You must pretend you are completely deaf and wave some made-up sign language at them. If they continue, broadly grin and continually shake your head “no!” They’ll stop.

– DO NOT accept the rule “the older you are, the more bags you must carry.” The general guideline seems to be “1 extra bag for every three years past 55″.

Finally, if you ask some goof about getting off at a certain spot and he says, “get off the stop before me,” don’t make a thing of it. Of course he’s just a stupid nitwit riding the bus – but, of course, so are you. And he’s BETTER than you. He knows where to get off.

3 Responses to “Riders: Beware of Brats, Fats, & Yaks”

  1. Joe Bele-Isle says:

    “This aint a tourbus! Your supposed to know where You’re going, not me.”

  2. Joe Bele-Isle says:

    That line I am convinced is part of the san Francisco Bay area Transit Companies final Exam. A driver has to be able to drive all over the companies limits, up and down hills, with 10 lbs of poop on their head without spilling it, not answerring any questions, ignoring all emergencies, and never killing anybody except those that pay to ride. If you think N.Y. is rude you have never travelled the freindly city by the sea.

  3. Brenda says:

    Very nice Franco! The only time I’ve ridden the bus was to go to the LPGA from MCC. My experience wasn’t quite the same, but interesting none the less. There was the elderly who think it is a good idea to bring the old style folding lawn chairs on the bus. We always get a good laugh out of the tools who wear their golf cleats like they’re going to play themselves. Then there’s the yuppie wannabees who wear the khaki shorts, collared shirts, puff out their chests, and smoke cigars like their someone important. They should consider ironing their clothes, taking a few inches off their waste, and try hard not to like the dork standing next to them.

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