Jingle Bells Cyst

"Lemme see!"

Around Christmas a few years ago, my friend Christine, a former dancer,  began feeling extreme pain and had to accept public assistance for her medical needs.

Christine developed an ovarian cyst and had to go to the Emergency room.  She said she was never before treated as disrespectfully in any medical facility. She believed men “examined”  her who might not even have been doctors!

So I put some new lyrics to a traditional song to commemorate this memorable occasion.

(Sung loudly to the tune of ‘Jingle Bells’)

Got a cyst, got a cyst,
on my ovary.
Now my legs are wide apart,
in Emergency.

Everyone gets to look,
the Doctor let’s them see.
The nurse wants a little nook,
then the lab guy winks at me!

Here comes the lunchroom crew,
plus the guard guy from the door.
They want a better view,
and they start to clap for more.

Oh, got a cyst, got a cyst,
on my ovary.
Now my legs are wide apart,
in Emergency.

A guy feels up my breasts,
looking for lumps to treat.
He wants to run some tests,
but he walked in off the street!

They think that we’re all tarts
Doc’s wearing a big grin.
He’s pointing out my parts,
and R-News is looking in!

(Chorus) Oh, got a cyst,
got a cyst, on my ovary.
Now my legs are spread apart,
in Emergency.

If you get a goddam cyst,
and the county pays your bills,
don’t think that you’ll be missed,
run like hell for the hills!

It all seems kind of shady;
they don’t really care for you.
They just want a pretty lady –
and her ‘womb with a view’.

(Chorus) Hey! got a cyst, got a cyst, on my ovary.

Now my legs are wide apart in Emergency.

6 Responses to “Jingle Bells Cyst”

  1. Bill says:

    People on medicaid are often put on display for educational purposes in hospitals, particularly teaching hospital. My brother needed extensive surgery for hemorrhoids. At first he was going to settle for a local, but they had such a large audience staring at his bare ass he finally got disgusted and asked to be put under.

    I had a large group to watch a transanal excision of intestinal scar tissue; I wasn’t on medicaid, but I did give them permission, and I was also put under.

    Your lady friend got hit by the double whammy–no rights while on the dole and the normal male harrassment of females.

    Catchy tune.

  2. Joseph Belle-Isle says:

    I Have a cyst on the end of my Schwartskopf but it only shows up when I’m in a real good mood.

  3. Bill says:

    Hey Joe, welcome back.

  4. paolo. says:

    HEY, JOE! Sorry – we’re only talking about big problems here.

  5. Bill says:

    Are you saying Christine is large?

    I picked a chick up at Nunzie’s in Oswego one summer evening, and it felt like I was banging Lake Ontario. Too tight, not that there is such a thing, I can deal with. I didn’t know they grew them too large. Thankfully, I never rammed into that problem again.

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