Jingle Bell Cyst

A much-requested ENCORE PRESENTATION

My friend Christine used to be a dancer.

She got injured, couldn’t work for a long
time, and had to accept public assistance
for her medical needs.

Unfortunately around Christmas a few
years ago, she developed an ovarian
cyst and had to go to the Emergency
room.

Maybe it was because she was a young
dancer or on Medicaid – but for whatever
reason, she said she was never before
treated as disrespectfully in any medical
facility. She believed men “examined”
her who might not even have been
doctors!

Since it was around Christmas, I put
some new lyrics to a traditional song
to commemorate this memorable
occasion.

(Sung loudly to the tune of ‘Jingle Bells’)

Got a cyst, got a cyst,
on my ovary.
Now my legs are wide apart,
in Emergency.

Everyone gets to look,
the Doctor let’s them see.
The nurse wants a little nook,
then the lab guy winks at me!

Here comes the lunchroom crew,
plus the guard guy from the door.
They want a better view,
and they start to clap for more.

Oh, got a cyst, got a cyst,
on my ovary.
Now my legs are wide apart,
in Emergency.

A guy feels up my breasts,
looking for lumps to treat.
He wants to run some tests,
but he walked in off the street!

They think that we’re all tarts
Doc’s wearing a big grin.
He’s pointing out my parts,
and R-News is looking in!

(Chorus) Oh, got a cyst,
got a cyst, on my ovary.
Now my legs are spread apart,
in Emergency.

If you get a goddam cyst,
and the county pays your bills,
don’t think that you’ll be missed,
run like hell for the hills!

It all seems kind of shady;
they don’t really care for you.
They just want a pretty lady –
and her ‘womb with a view’.

(Chorus) Hey! got a cyst,
got a cyst, on my ovary.
Now my legs are spread wide apart,
in Emergency.

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