Functionally Punctual (FP)


I’m ‘on time’ more than most clocks you’ll ever own. I’m ‘on time’ almost every time – and I expect you to be too. But these expectations are too high for most people. They were WAY too high for one of the first women with whom I lived, D_____.

D_____ was late for everything. EVERYTHING! So D____ and I knew we had to work something out to live as a couple. D____ couldn’t drive and I had a car, so our agreement was simple: she got to CHOOSE the time when we left – and I drove at THAT designated time. What could be more fair?

It was a steamy, mid-August afternoon – you almost had to push the air out of the way when you moved. D____ and I had to attend some miserable outdoor function that should have added ‘100% Boredom Assured’ to it’s program. I finally dragged her away from this local version of ‘Night of the Living Dead’.

Halfway home she decided she needed to go to Wegmans for a few things.

“Oooooh,” I groaned.

“C’mon! It will only take a few minutes! We’ll use the ‘Car Leaves’ rule”.

Once parked at Wegmans, the car clock read 2:45 pm.

“Just 15 minutes.” D____ said. “Departure time will be 3:00pm – promise!” I watched her as she shut the car door. Wow did she look great in a dress and heels! I leaned back and turned on the radio. Then, 2:50, 2:54. “Damn!” I thought, “I knew it!” 2:58 – 3:00pm. “OK, that’s it,” I said to myself. I backed out of the space and slowly started for the exit.

That’s when I saw her in the rear view mirror. She had a paper grocery bag in each arm and was running very well for a tall blond in heels. I had forgotten she was on the track team in high school. And she almost made it!

The phone was ringing when I got home. I had a pretty good idea who it was.

D____ and I no longer live together.



One Response to “Functionally Punctual (FP)”

  1. Bill says:


    Did you teach her a lesson, or did she teach one to you?

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