Food Coma Survivors Demand Change


In my building’s lobby, there are a few human left-overs wandering around in various stages of fully-stuffed shock. Their eyes are half closed, their mouths still open, and they hold various parts of their abdomens trying to relieve the pressure. Their moans are mixed with words like, “I can’t eat another thing – and I’ve got two more dinners tonight . Ooooh.”

Ah, Thanksgiving – the Great American Pig-Out.  Today  you’ll eat between 4 and 5-thousand calories (a normal, 2-day input for an American adult) IN ONE MEAL.  A great holiday devoted to unabashed gluttony. (And I’m too polite to remind you that 1/2 of the world’s population will go to bed hungry tonight.)

Unbridled face stuffing is kind of funny in this country.

You see, America is the land of Pilgrims, Puritans, and Prigs. Gluttony is a sin – one of the biggies in the litany of “The SEVEN DEADLY Sins.” Why a nation founded by religious zealots would choose one of the seven deadly sins as a way to celebrate is a little strange. It’s also tough on turkeys. So I came up with an idea to make us appear less mindlessly traditional.

For a national holiday, maybe we could change it up a bit featuring a different deadly sin every year. I went through the list of the others – greed, sloth, wrath, lust, envy, and pride – and I’d like to nominate for next year’s star sin: lust. Lust has kind of a bad reputation in America but that’s why it needs a national holiday. Gluttony is frowned upon every other day of the year but celebrated on Thanksgiving. So our country can still look down its prudish nose on sensual pleasure and recreational sex – except on   Lustmus Day.

Imagine the possibilities! A day of leers, kisses, and lechery. Drooling old men and excited young boys! Women dressing in provocative clothing being tramps for a day. Conversations filled with suggestive remarks, X-rated movies on every TV channel, raunchy songs on the radio, and double entendres all day long.

Obviously I don’t have all the details worked out yet – but I’ll get back to you on it.  I’m bored with non-thinking tradition – how about you?

7 Responses to “Food Coma Survivors Demand Change”

  1. Joe Bele-Isle says:

    How about a fertility festival when the Ancient Greeks went out onto the fields and let it all hang out to bring in a good crop. You know- so later they could pig out. Oh yeah, we’d get run over by the farm machinery in some compromising positions I suppose. But Fertility festivals- they just have a good ring to the name.

  2. Frank Paolo says:

    Would those of us who’ve had vasectomies still be allowed to shoot (blanks)?

  3. Joe Bele-Isle says:


  4. Frank Paolo says:


  5. Bill says:

    We’d get the day off?

    Otherwise, how would Lustmus be different from any other day?

  6. Joe Bele-Isle says:

    Ithink the idea is to get off all, day not get all the day off.

  7. Frank Paolo says:

    You’ve got a helluva memory, Joe.

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