Cheaters Never Win and Vegas Never Cheats


It happened again this week. Some friends came back from Las Vegas and the guy said about the dumbest thing any tourist can say, “We had a great time but we shouldn’t have gone into the casinos. I lost about $700 gambling. The casinos never lose – they cheat.”


I pretended to cough to keep from laughing. “The bastards!  How did they cheat you?” The response? “I don’t know, Franco. They rig the slot machines – they use marked decks for “21” (when a “gambler” calls Blackjack – “21”, you kinda know the guy isn’t playing for super high stakes). Whatever they do, you never leave the casino a winner! That’s how they keep these joints open.”

In conversations like this, I swear I spend about three quarters of the time trying NOT to burst out laughing. Sometimes I bite my lip; sometimes I cough. Sometimes I just try to think grim, horrible thoughts. What is it about me?  Am I a magnet for stupid people?

“Were you ever ahead?” I  innocently asked.

Sheepish grin, “Oh yeh, at one point I was ahead about $300.”

Me: “Well, why didn’t you just walk out of the casino then – with their money?”

“Oh, you know how it is. I thought I was on a streak…..blah, blah, blah”.

I smiled. He now had to hear the Franco “You Are Such an Ungrateful Slob!” lecture which goes something like this:

“Las Vegas doesn’t cheat because IT DOESN’T HAVE TO CHEAT, YOU IDIOT! They tell you exactly what they make in percentages. They make roughly 10-20% of a GAZILLON gaming dollars every hour – 24 hours a day. Why the hell would they cheat and risk losing the trust of their revenue base?”

“The world has about 6-billion people in it. 3-billion of whom went to bed hungry last night. Yesterday, over 40,000 children died from starvation and disease. You just came back from a wonderful 4-day/ 3-night warm vacation. You stayed at one of the world’s premier hotels and ate at fancy restaurants with your lovely lady. You saw a Hollywood star (I already forgot which one) and gambled like James Bond in a few nice casinos. A jet plane took you 2000 miles and back – in just a few hours.”

“And for all of this, you paid about one and a half percent of your combined yearly income – and you’re whining! If there were a god in heaven who believed in justice, your friggin’ jet would have been hit by a damn lightening bolt at your first complaint!”

“And, not for nothing, your crummy $700 might have kept the lights on in ONE casino for about an hour and a half. Somehow!….they might have limped through the night without the money they STOLE from you.”

Tags: , , , ,

5 Responses to “Cheaters Never Win and Vegas Never Cheats”

  1. Steve says:

    Amazing isn’t it?

    Yeah, the rest of the planet is eeking out a life on less than $2 a day.
    I drove by a Burger King the other day, and some worker was “washing” the sidewalk. JUst standing there, holding a hose, spraying the sidewalk…in a suburb (Like the sidewalks need washing). I thought of “What is the What” a great book by Dave Eggers about a Sudanese “Lost Boy” who made it to America from Sudan and the civil war there. Walking through jungles, rivers, seeing friends, relatives shot, eaten by crocs, lions, hyenas, etc., tunred away by other villages…where walking distance is 20 miles, and where women walk that every day to maybe, MAYBE find a well, that hasn’t been poisoned yet, to try and get some water…and this idiot, is watering the sidewalk.
    Whaddyagonnado? I’m not saying I’m perfect…but I’d love a week in Vegas and to lose $700.
    Can’t though, that’s rent for one month.: – )
    I have a friend who lives in Vegas, he’ll get a kick out of this story.

  2. Joe Belle-Isle says:

    Thimk about this- They HAVE TO wash their sidewalk to make absolutely sure there is something to say in their defense in a lawsuit in case someone doesn’t see A neon lit double- wait no they don’t have small medium and large, it’s large, extra large, and supersized, dogturd from a Gigantic Great Dane, and slips, and sues.
    Oh well that makes up for the rat sized capers from a restaurant that doesn’t by any or have any on the menu, but give you plenty of them anyhow. Dried and re-moisturized by employee excess masturbation. Have a nice lunch!

Leave a Reply