Archive for the ‘Paolo’s Best’ Category

No Such Thing as a Bad Road Job

Thursday, March 26th, 2020

I’m sick of PBS’s Antique Road Show – it’s always the same. I don’t remember if I’m watching a rerun or having a flashback

(BTW – whatever happened to those LSD flashbacks they promised us in the 60’s? Remember? “You might be in a business meeting, have a flashback, then run across the table and dive out the window doing your impersonation of Art Linkletter’s daughter.” Yah, right. I’M WAITING HERE!) Anyway….

It’s the same thing every week. Some dumb goober sits with the suited estimator and they’re staring at a piece of crap that looks like the frozen fecal clumps they used to dump out of jet planes.

Estimator: “Tell me – how did you come across this piece?”

Goober: “Me and Hilda the wife was at some barn sale and she took a liking to it. It was $2.00 but she jewed the guy down to a buck and a half so I bought it just to shut her up.”

Estimator: “Heh, heh. Well do you know what you have here?”

Goober: “Nope. I tell my friends it’s a doorstop for Hilda’s mouth.”

Estimator: “Heh, heh. Well, you have a blah-blah, sculpted by blah-blah-blah during his green fecal period.”

Goober: “Is that good?”

Estimator: “Heh, heh. Well you should thank your wife – at auction it would bring anywhere between $10- and $20,000.”

Goober: “You shittin’ me, boy!?” EDITED FOR TELEVISION: “Wow – I better not drop it.”

Estimator: “Heh, heh.” THINKING: “You lucky old fart! You should choke on it!”

George Bush Sr. Posed Nude!

Wednesday, March 25th, 2020
aaaa

And so did Hillary Clinton and Diane Sawyer.

This has to be one of the strangest footnotes in American history. From the 1940′s through the early ’60′s, thousands  of incoming freshmen at Ivy League schools like Harvard, Yale, and Vassar, had to strip naked and have their pictures taken for science. The “official” reason was so a research study group could “gauge the rate and severity of rickets, scoliosis, and lordosis in the population.”

1000x653xnudeivyleague11_jpg_pagespeed_ic__zvrx7XbQl61-300x195

The real reason?  Anthropologists William Sheldon and Earnest Hooton (undoubtedly funded by our government) were probably using the data to support their theory on the relationship between body types, social hierarchy, and intelligence.  The Nazi’s were doing the same thing in Germany.  Most of the American images were later destroyed.

The vast majority of students did not refuse and did what they were told.

I went to college from 1968 – 1972 and I’m amazed at this generation of sheep.  I can only imagine the protests by students in my time at such a request!  Anarchists may have lit buildings on fire if the feminists had left any standing.

The Ivy League Nude Posture Photo Scandal:  https://www.google.com/

hil-235x300

Erin Go Blah

Tuesday, March 17th, 2020
354x200_st_patrick-300x169

Saint Patrick looking for more snakes?

s
aa

I can’t imagine anyone taking pride in something they didn’t accomplish themselves. Your ancestry is just an accident of birth and has little to do with who you are today. Proud to be Irish, Italian, Puerto Rican, American, or anything else – just doesn’t make sense to me.

We’re celebrating Saint Patrick’s Day today. We celebrated it last weekend too but there was some liquor left over

But really what are we celebrating? Irish public intoxication? Corned beef and cabbage? Potatoes before Atkins? (no wonder these people drink so much – their food sucks) Of course the Irish were discriminated against when they first came to America.  So was everyone else except the Pilgrims. And Indians have stories that’ll tear your heart out. But really, who cares?

So we gave the Irish some green stripes down the road, parades, and a 1-day license to be raging drunks . The Italians got  Columbus Day and the Indians got casinos and no tax on cigarettes. The Blacks got Kwanzaa and the Jews got the whole garment district in New York. Everyone gets something – this is America – be happy. And if you can’t be happy with what you get, at least be thankful you don’t get what you deserve.

I feel the same way about Italians and Columbus day:  

http://presentationsunplugged.com/

The Last Virgin In New Jersey

Tuesday, March 10th, 2020

Let’s face it, West New York, New Jersey doesn’t have a lot going for it. Magnificently overwhelmed by New York City just across the Hudson River, West New York didn’t even bother to choose an original town name.

That’s why its townspeople were thrilled when an image of the Blessed Virgin Mary formed in a tree right in the middle of their commercial district!

Someone told Mayor George Morene about it and he declared the tree “a miracle.” Since then, hundreds of tourists have made a pilgrimage to the site praying, taking pictures, and falling to their knees on the sidewalk. West New York businesses flourished – especially the nearby McDonalds.

Hmmm.  I don’t quite see an image of the BVM in the photos but it does remind me of something.  I just can’t put my finger on it.

Are You A Coffee Junkie?

Thursday, March 5th, 2020
COFFEE

Are you reading this with a cup of coffee within easy reach?  JUNKIE!

What’s the first thing a diner waitress says when she sees you?

“Coffee? Right away!”

And you’d better get it ‘right away’, Sugar Lips, because you’ve got a caffeine junkie who is now hurtling through drug withdrawal and trying hard not to snatch up the butter knife and stab the annoying people seated next to him.  Withdrawal symptoms started about 26-hours after your last cup of the legal drug.

As soon as you score your fix, you tear up little packets of white powder plus containers of liquid poison, and quickly mix up the nearly boiling-brew – before pouring it over one of the most sensitive parts of your body. Ouch! It hurts so good – like the needle prick announcement of anticipated joy when a junkie pushes a needle into her vein.  Coffee is America’s Drug of Choice – BY FAR! 50-million caffeine addicts drink an average of 4-cups per day.

200

I don’t drink coffee but I certainly don’t care what you do.

However, I would care very much if you’re one of those flaming, “respectable” hypocrites who thinks you’re better than the millions of Americans rotting in jail cells because they loved a drug which is different than yours. Your drug is legal and inexpensive. Their drugs are illegal – making them very expensive.

Still, probably we’re all just junkies in the grand scheme of the universe – and it doesn’t need you to judge what’s right or wrong.

Coffee Quotes:  www.google.com/

Today Is VD Day

Friday, February 14th, 2020

You forgot again, didn’t you doofus?

 Valentines Day is here and you’re brokenhearted sitting by the TV with an empty beer can hoping another 1/2 of the Superbowl is coming on.  It isn’t.

So here’s what you do: get your sorry ass off the couch and roll over to the computer.  Order a ‘Boyfriend Pillow’ with overnight shipping.  Pretend to watch for the mailman. When he comes, madly look through your junk mail, and then start crying loudly.

When the missus runs over, explain you bought her the BEST Valentines gift – but it didn’t come.  She’ll immediately call you a “lying bastard” at which point you run out of the house and spend the night on a buddy’s couch.

Time your return home for minutes after the mailman delivers the big box.  When she opens it, tell her you want to cuddle her all night – every night forever. She’ll either get all teary eyed or call you an asshole.

Hey, at least you didn’t forget Valentines Day.

tumblr_lq1aa8NpQC1qllic9o2_400

Boyfriend pillows:  https://www.google.com/

The Patron Saint Of Fireworks

Wednesday, February 12th, 2020
Icon_01005_Sv__vmch__Varvara
fireworks-animation-46

If you’re at a large fireworks display and something goes awry, Saint Barbara’s the one to call for protection.  In fact, it might be a good idea to pray to her before the show to avoid the rush.

In the 2nd century, Barbara was the daughter of a rich pagan named Dioscorus who kept her locked in a tower to keep her chaste for the marriage of his choice. But Barbara had other ideas.  She nixed Dad’s pick for Bachelor #1 and worse, she became a Christian.

fireworks-animation-46

Her Father was not too pleased with this nonsense and drew his sword to kill her.  Miraculously the tower wall opened and Barbara was transported to a mountain gorge filled with sheep and two sheperds.  One of the sheperds turned her back over to her Father and immediately came to a bad end. He turned to stone and his flock became a swarm of locusts! (Try selling those at the Sheep Fair!)

Barbara’s Father dragged her before the prefect of the province, Martinianus, who had her cruelly tortured and condemned to death by beheading. Since her Father was still pissed off, he got to lop off her head himself! 

However, as punishment for executing his own daughter, (here come the fireworks) he was struck by lightning on the way home and his body was consumed by flames. It’s said Barbara’s tomb became the site of explosive miracles. Really.

tumblr_nel5ejKk1z1rcl1c8o1_500

I Predicted Miss Cleo Would Die One Day

Friday, January 3rd, 2020

Youree Dell Harris knew she could never be a Valley Girl, so she set out to buy the whole Valley. Born in Los Angeles in 1962, Youree picked up a cheap wig, some Caribbean Island clothes, a JaFakin’ accent and transformed herself into “Miss Cleo” – spokesperson for the “Psychic Network.” Her future looked great!  Thousands of her “physics” kept nitwits on the phone – predicting their futures – at an astounding $4.95 per minute.

Although she promised the first 3-minutes were free – they weren’t. I forget exactly how she linked “psychic” and reading Tarot cards but she did and stole over a $1 BILLION dollars!

In 2002, the Federal Trade Commission (the FTC) pulled the plug on her shenanigans,  demanded she cancel over $500-million dollars worth of customers’ bills and pay a $5-million dollar fine.

Today, Miss Cleo lives in Lake Worth, Florida with her millions and will still read your fortune for between $75 – $250 depending on her mood.  She has a lot of takers whom she continually takes.

The 6-foot plus proud lesbian has no apologies for her past but today practices voodoo with the same hearty laugh and outstretched palm. She gives frequently to local, Florida charities.  Her donations?  Free psychic readings!  I predict these will never be tax deductible.

If you’ve never seen a Miss Cleo commercial, baby (a pet name for callers), don’t miss this:

MISS CLEO DIES:  https://www.google.com/

072616-celebs-miss-cleo-dead

My Mom, Bettie Page

Monday, December 30th, 2019
"God what a bod!" High School saying

“God…What a Bod.” (High School saying)

In 2008, legendary pinup queen Bettie Page had a heart attack and shortly thereafter died of pneumonia. She was 85. Although her name may not be familiar to you, it would be hard to find anyone over the age of 30 who could not recognize Ms. Page from the 20,000 racy photographs taken of her in the late ‘40’s and ‘50’s.  Betty Page (born: Bettina Delpaggio) was my Mother. The “nudism gene” must be genetically inherited. 

Along with Hugh Hefner and Marilyn Monroe, Ms. Page is regarded as one of the pioneers in the sexual revolution of the ‘60’s. Without shame – she was most often photographed naked, nearly naked, or in a daring (for the 1950’s) bikini on a California beach.

989f9dbcb13f5984bcf8129dfae7dedc

“Do your homework! NOW!”

Ms. Page was even featured in ‘Bondage & Discipline’ images although she didn’t quite “get” the motif. “Why would anyone want to be tied-up?” she was quoted as asking. Her photos were found in sleazy men’s mags of the times, under the beds of teen boys, and proudly published by ‘Nudism & Nature’ periodicals.

bettie_page_smile

“Of course he should release his tax returns.”

“She captured the imagination of a generation of men and women with her free spirit and unabashed sensuality,” said agent Mark Roesler in a written statement. “She is the embodiment of beauty.”

A private funeral service was held for Ms. Page in Los Angeles. She was buried at Westwood Cemetery just a few feet away from Marilyn Monroe.  RIP, Mama.  Pages of Page: www.google.com

Bettie Page: https://www.google.com/

Bettie coined the phrase, “Keep Calm and Buy Shoes.”

171418_m

Tie Died

Thursday, December 26th, 2019
images4SAJK96J

Manhattan, 1972. Retail shopping CRUSH-week between Christmas and New Years and every New Yorker thought it was his Constitutional Right to exchange every doofus clothing item he got for Christmas – or thought he got for Christmas – or got for Christmas around 1965.

200347683-001

I worked in Barneys, the World’s Largest Men’s store and the cacophony of customer craziness was mind numbing. “Sir!”, “Sir!”, “Sir!”, “Pardon me, Sir!” “Sir!”, “Excuse me. May I get some service here?” “Sir!”,“Sir!”, “Sir!”,”Hey, Sir!” “Sir!”,“Sir!”,“Sir!”.

I think I can speak for the majority of the 1st Floor Sales Team when I say we hated them – hated every goddamn one of them who waved a crumbled Barney’s sales receipt at us. There were thousands of them – pushing, pleading, whining, yelling, DEMANDING!

(The 1st Floor Team had a little pool going to see which one of us would S-n-a-p! first. I was the odds-on favorite.  I was already demoted from sweaters to ties for being rude to customers.)

Working in the tie department was a nightmare! Barneys advertised that they had 100,000 different ties. I never counted them but I must have folded that many at least once a day. There were racks of ties – tables of ties – walls of ties – cases of ties – ties everywhere.

It was about 9:40 pm – 20-minutes until closing – and the crowd had gone. I was exhausted and not exactly in a chipper Barneys mood. I was just mindlessly folding ties on the counter – minding my own business – when this businessman walks over.

“Uh, Sir,” he says, “I don’t see the tie I want here.” SNN…..

I slowly and painfully looked up. “Mister, we carry over 100,000 ties. I’m sure it’s here somewhere.”

“Nope. I looked.” SNNNA….

“Well, Sir, if you looked and didn’t find it, we must not have it. I’m sorry.” And then I started refolding my pile of ties. “Would you GO AWAY,” I thought, “JUST GO AWAY!”

“Well do you have any more ties in the back?” SNNNAAAAAPPPPPPP!

The ties in the back? No – those are our really good ties. We save those for ourselves. We don’t even have to pay for them – and they’re great ties – but you can’t buy one. Sorry.”

“Are you being smart with me? I pay your salary, you know!”

“Really? Great. Can I have a raise?”

“I’d like to see your manager. NOW!”

“Oh sure, I’ll get him. He’s in the back with the good ties.”

I walked to the back of the store and kept on walking through the exit. The A-train stop was only half a block away. I never even bothered to go back for my paycheck.

Barneys, NY:  http://www.barneys.com/