Archive for the ‘Paolo’s Best’ Category

Drowning In The Gene Pool

Saturday, April 10th, 2021
"Get back you little bastards!"

                               “Get back you little bastards!”

I will spare you the unhappy details but a while back I was kind of forced into a conversation with a few of the guys from my building. This all-male talk fest was rolling and the subject of children came up.

Right away I could tell this just wasn’t going to be my lucky day. I mean I really don’t mind kids – if they’re somebody else’s’ – and live somewhere else – and I’m not there.

But I’m proud of the fact that I was one of the first men in my county to have a vasectomy before having children – almost 40-years ago. Of course this conversation was not about NOT having children – it was all about the DUTY of having them. Uh-oh.

The least evolved of the group spoke loudest; it seems he has a “need to breed”.

“I gotta have a son to carry on my Family Line.”

Now the only “line” with which I would associate this guy and his family is the line at the Department of Social Services where he would need help filling out the application. If all of this guy’s offspring mutated into plants and vegetables, our gene pool would be a nicer place in which to swim.

Of course I didn’t say that – but I sure thought it.

Vasectomy Scissors Are Smaller.

Does it hurt to have a vasectomy?   https://www.google.com

Taste That Beats The Others Warm

Thursday, April 8th, 2021

India is the world’s largest democracy. Indians don’t eat what Westerners eat (beef) – and we don’t drink what some Indians drink: a soft drink made from cow urine. Cows are sacred and honored in India even, apparently, their liquid waste fluids.

This bovine brew is being developed by the Cow Protection Department of the RSS, India’s largest and oldest Hindu nationalist group. (See what happens when unions get out of control?) Hindus have been pushing the health benefits of drinking Bossie’s “other wet drink” for thousands of years.

Om Prakash, the head of CPD, said the drink – called “gau jal,” or “cow water” – in Sanskrit – “won’t smell like urine and will be tasty too. It will not be carbonated and it will be devoid of any toxins.” Right.

Now, I’m no expert on cow piss but I would guess the whole thing is pretty toxic and if you take out the toxins, really – what’s the point? Well, of course, there’s another point – Hindus believe their country is going to hell because of Western cultural influences best symbolized by Coca Cola. And gau jal just might be what the yogi ordered to stem the flow (so to speak).

I think the whole thing is udderly ridiculous – but what a pisser! And if you want to try it?  Urine good company.

Indians who drink cow urine:  https://www.google.com/

For 78¢ A Day You Can Clothe These Girls …

Thursday, March 25th, 2021

. . . or just click your mouse.

Until she was 12-years old, Cindy didn’t know clothes came from places other than city dumps, Salvation Army hangers, or her 13-year old twin brother,  Wilbur. Times were so tough that when Wilbur was supposed to be born, her Mom had to hold him in for an extra 6-months.

When Cindy entered Junior High School at 12, she was classified as ‘gifted’ by her 42-year old homeroom teacher, half the boys in her class, and her gym teacher, who ironed towels for her.

Cindy quickly bonded with her clothes-less school friends like Stephanie, Naomi, and the rest – but somehow, they never quite felt like the other girls: “dressed”.

And that’s a pity because for only 78¢ a day – less than the extra cost of Bleu Cheese dressing on a side salad – you could be covering up Cindy and all her naked friends.  Think of it:  a lousy pocketful of change a day could change the lives of these ragamuffins.

Won’t you please help?

Erin Go Blah

Wednesday, March 17th, 2021
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Saint Patrick looking for more snakes?

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I can’t imagine anyone taking pride in something they didn’t accomplish themselves. Your ancestry is just an accident of birth and has little to do with who you are today. Proud to be Irish, Italian, Puerto Rican, American, or anything else – just doesn’t make sense to me.

We’re celebrating Saint Patrick’s Day today. We celebrated it last weekend too but there was some liquor left over. 

But really what are we celebrating? Irish public intoxication? Corned beef and cabbage? Potatoes before Atkins? (no wonder these people drink so much – their food sucks) Of course the Irish were discriminated against when they first came to America.  So was everyone else except the Pilgrims. And Indians have stories that’ll tear your heart out. But really, who cares?

So we gave the Irish some green stripes down the road, parades, and a 1-day license to be raging drunks . The Italians got  Columbus Day and the Indians got casinos and no tax on cigarettes. The Blacks got Kwanzaa and the Jews got the whole garment district in New York. Everyone gets something – this is America – be happy. And if you can’t be happy with what you get, at least be thankful you don’t get what you deserve.

I feel the same way about Italians and Columbus day:  

http://presentationsunplugged.com/

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Uncommon Scents

Monday, February 22nd, 2021

THE STRIPPER CANDLE — “It’s a candle and an alibi all in one! You don’t smell like a stripper, you just smell like a candle.”

stripper_lidon_1_grande

This is our favorite candle. After hundreds of hours of research and a lot of dollar bills we succeeded in capturing the legendary stripper scent. If you don’t know what a stripper smells like just imagine the perfume counter at your local department store times a thousand… plus some baby powder and broken dreams.

This is a perfect gift for your favorite bachelor or retired stripper who misses her pole.”

Additional candles: Bacon Candle, Beer Candle, Campfire Candle, Popcorn Candle plus many more.

$12.95 @ HOTWICKS: hotwicks.com/collections

stripper

F

Time Waits For No Woman

Thursday, February 18th, 2021


I’m ‘on time’ more than most clocks you’ll ever own. One of the women with whom I lived, “D”, was late for everything – so she and I had to work something out.

Our agreement was simple: she got to CHOOSE the time we left – and those who were in the car at that precise time, got to leave with the car. What could be more fair?

It was a steamy, mid-August afternoon – you almost had to push the air out of the way when you moved. D. and I had to attend some miserable, dress-up, outdoor function.  Halfway home she decided she needed to go to the grocery store for a few things.

“Oooooh,” I groaned.

The car clock read 2:45 pm.

“Just 15 minutes!” she said. “Departure time will be 3:00pm – promise!”  I leaned back and turned on the radio. Then, 2:50, 2:54. “Damn!” I thought, “I knew it!” 2:58 – 3:00pm. “OK, that’s it,” I said to myself. I backed out and started for the exit.

That’s when I saw her in the rear view mirror. She had a grocery bag in each hand and was running very well for a tall blond in heels. I had forgotten she was on the track team in high school. And she almost made it to the car!

The phone was ringing when I got home. I had a pretty good idea who it was.

D and I no longer live together.

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Don’t Be An Ash-Hole Today

Wednesday, February 17th, 2021

It would NOT be a good idea today to wipe that  unattractive smudge from your friend’s forehead. Today is Ash Wednesday – an important Holy Day for Catholics.

Of course, few Catholics remember why they get the smudge. I think it has something to do with the day America converted from coal to electricity,  or a remembrance of the day Tammi Faye Baker converted to Catholicism, or what you would look like after confessing to a mortal sin on Saturday afternoon, doing your penance – getting to third base with your girl Saturday night – then dying in a horrible car accident before you got to Communion Sunday morning. I forget – something like that.

Foreheads get a lot of play in different cultures.  Indians get color-coded dots – which is why we sensitively call them “dotheads.”  Muslims wrap them in turbans (“towelheads.”)  And there are a few who believe the forehead holds a “third eye.”  Holy optometrist!  OK – so I forgot the name of triple eyeballers.  Give me a break – I’m Italian! (slapping his forehead.)

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How Do You Make A Great Portrait?

Thursday, February 11th, 2021
  1. Choose a beautiful subject.
  2. The rest is easy.

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Never Reject A Sculptor Who Loves You

Monday, February 1st, 2021

The Ellis County Courthouse in Waxahachie, Texas is said to be the most beautiful in the state. The red Italian granite and sandstone structure was built in 1894 at a cost of $175,000. It’s Romanesque style featured many turrets and gargoyles sculpted by Harry Hurley from Italy (he may have changed his name.)

In the early stages of his work, Mr. Hurley fell in love with a beautiful local girl named Mabel Frame who would have nothing to do with him. To show his love, he immortalized her face in red granite.  As he sculpted more gargoyles, she rejected him even more and his bitterness began to show in his work. His carvings gradually became ugly faces of his desired lover – the last one featuring wild hair, jagged teeth, and eyes of the tortured insane. 

Many months later, a monument was erected to honor the county’s Confederate’s war dead.  The statue, however, focused attention on an unsculpted part of the courthouse. Hurley volunteered to sculpt one last image to fill the vacant spot high on one of the turrets.

The carved image? The likeness of a vagina – Hurley’s final tribute to Mabel Frame.

Ellis County Courthouse pictures: https://www.google.com/

Whack Job Riot

Wednesday, January 27th, 2021

Check out the pictures of the right-wing, pro-trump, whack jobs rioting at the Capitol a few weeks ago.

Not a black face in the mob.

If it was a crowd of African-Americans, we’d still be picking up the bodies.