Archive for the ‘Paolo’s Best’ Category

Roy – God Wants To Talk To You

Wednesday, December 11th, 2019

A few years ago, a local power company repairman touched the wrong wire and got zapped by a zillion volts of electricity. According to the news report, Emergency Medical Techs found him lying on the ground, “talking and alert.”

Alert? ALERT!? If it were me I’d be “alert” for the rest of my freakin’ life! No more of that, “Frank’s an intelligent boy but doesn’t pay attention” report card crap! I’d REALLY start paying attention after that – and maybe consider a different line of work.

An alternative  vocation didn’t seem like a good choice to Roy C. Sullivan, a US forest ranger in Shenandoah National Park in Virginia. Mr. Sullivan got struck by lightning – SEVEN TIMES. Say what? That’s right, Binky, the man got hit by lightning – seven times!

The first time was in 1942 when Roy was in a fire lookout tower. LOOK OUT! (Damn!) The 2nd didn’t hit him until 1969 when he was in his truck. The third? The very next year in his front yard. Number four struck him in the ranger tower again, 1972.

Bolt #5 with Roy’s name on it got him in his car in 1973 with #6 only a year later when he was at a campground. In 1977, Roy decided to chuck it all and went fishing. You guessed it. The 7th and final Roy C. Sullivan Lightning Bolt hit him with his pole in the water. He survived.

Sometime between bolts three and five, Roy Sullivan got religion. I guess the man decided God was trying to tell him something. But first, He  had to get his attention.

Roy “Lightning” Sullivan:  https://www.google.com/

Thanksgiving Is A Turkey

Thursday, November 28th, 2019

“We’ll trade you that drumstick for 1000-chips at your new casino.”

Ah, Thanksgiving – the Great American Pig-Out. A holiday devoted to unabashed gluttony. Which is kind of funny in America.

Why a nation founded by  Puritans, Pilgrims, and Prigs would choose one of the SEVEN DEADLY SINS as a way to celebrate is a little strange. Also, turkeys are a meat entree no one would choose if the menu included steaks, chops, and shrimp. Tradition always demands unthinking, repetitive rituals which prohibit creativity and originality.

So I came up with an idea to make us appear less mindlessly traditional and hypocritical.

For a national holiday, maybe we could change it up a bit featuring a different deadly sin every year. I went through the list of the others – greed, sloth, wrath, lust, envy, and pride – and I have a personal favorite for next year’s star sin: lust.

Lust has kind of a bad reputation in America but that’s why it needs a national holiday.  How would we celebrate it?  The possibilities are endless but I haven’t worked out all the details yet.

Next year on Thanksgiving would you rather be hungry – or horny?  Wait! This is America – let’s celebrate both!

10-non-traditional ways to celebrate Thanksgiving:  http://blog.mannequinmadness.com/

Playing Footsie With Reality

Monday, November 25th, 2019

February 23, 2010 (This my FAVORITE post – out of thousands!)

There just was not a lot of good news on this day 9-years ago.  Maybe that’s why we got such a kick about a human foot found on a conveyor belt at a recycling plant in Seneca, a small town in upstate New York.

Naturally the workers at Casella Waste Management were quite concerned when they saw the foot coming down the line. Are human body parts recyclable?  Was the rest of the body on its way? Was somebody just putting his best foot forward and keeping the rest?

As rumors ran rampant, law enforcement and county officials called the media for a press conference. They looked grim. Yes, initial medical reports said the foot was human and only partially decomposed. Yes, we’re sending it to the Monroe County Medical Examiner’s Office for DNA confirmation. No, it has not been determined if it’s a male or female foot. No, we don’t know if it’s from a child or an adult.

Please people, they said, stop calling the police with reports of missing persons until we kick this thing around a bit and see what’s up.  Casella Waste gets refuse from 15 New York counties and parts of Canada – we’ve got to check all of them.  Yes, we’re on our toes down here – we know what we’re doing.

By Tuesday the crisis was peaking.  The plant was closed and inspectors were all over the place like smell on garbage. Then, a shocking development!  The foot was tracked to Canada – specifically to a load from a recycling centre on New Toronto Street, near Lake Shore Boulevard.  The Toronto Homicide Department stepped in.

“It could only be one of two things: medical waste or foul play,” said Toronto police Staff Sgt. David Vickers.  Uh oh.

The kicker came on Thursday.

“After days of DNA testing, we’ve determined that what we have is not a human foot – but probably the foot of a black bear,” said Seneca Sheriff Philip Povero. Oops – a bear foot – not a bare foot!  How embearassing! At least now Toronto Police could refocus their investigation to search for a large, black bear hopping around their city.

And what can we learn from this drama?  Something computer geeks taught us long ago  – “Garbage In – Garbage Out”.

Big Foot caught on tape:

hk1V3GO

Strange things found in recycling plants: https://www.google.com/

trumpies

Saturday, November 9th, 2019

Thursday, November 7th, 2019

“Gore-B-Gone”

Monday, September 9th, 2019

Who Will Clean Up Your Last Mess?

There are twice the number of suicides than murders in the US.  And often people just don’t go quietly into that good night.  Guns – by far  – issue the largest number of one-way, nonstop tickets to never-ever land. And they make a mess.

The problem is:  who’s going to sparkle and shine up a person’s last grand gesture of painting the walls, spraying the furniture, and splattering the rug?  After the body is taken away and the authorities lock up the place, who’s going to start cleaning this interior design of gore-decor topped with yellow, crime-scene tape?  Obviously, the person responsible is not going to be of much help.

Fortunately there are people who make their living doing this sort of thing and can eat their lunch while on the job.  Many employees in the field are undocumented workers who won’t talk about their jobs because they don’t speak English. They’re called “Gore-Whores.”

The link below will take you to the most famous company in the field and which may have a franchise open near you.

Did a Man Marry the Holland Tunnel?

Thursday, September 5th, 2019

Erika Eiffel always loved the tall silent type – but then she took her preference to the extreme and married the Eiffel Tower.  After a small, ceremony with friends in Paris, Erika legally changed her name to Erika LaTour Eiffel.  There are no reports of how the marriage was consummated.

Erika is an “objectum sexual” – people who fall in love with inanimate objects. In a documentary entitled “The Woman Who Married the Eiffel Tower,” she is shown hugging her “husband” and telling him how much she loves him. The objects these women choose are often sexually symbolic.

The term “objectum sexual” was coined by a Swedish woman named Eija-Riitta Berliner-Mauer, who married the Berlin Wall in the 1970s, according to the documentary. I’m no matchmaker but I would suggest this woman drop at least one hyphen and one name to find the man of her dreams.

There are no reports of men suffering from this psychological malady but I was always puzzled by the strange allure of an open manhole.

Would you like to view an ABC News story on this woman?

youtube.com

NO WINDMILL CANCER!

Wednesday, September 4th, 2019

You Don’t Have To Take Off Your Clothes

Thursday, August 29th, 2019

WARNING: This post contains graphic descriptions of human sexuality.  It may not be suitable for parents.

Condoms are distributed on request in my city’s high schools.  They seem to be reducing the rate of unwanted pregnancies and venereal diseases despite how loudly some parents are screaming.

“My little Susie doesn’t do THAT!” Right.  I used to know little Susie and she did do that – plus a lot of other stuff.  These kids aren’t getting pregnant and STD’s from the Tooth Fairy.  It’s time we accepted reality and help them make better choices.

People believe we have sex education in schools but what we really have are organ recitals.  A clear list of choices (including abstinence and “How to Tell Your Boyfriend “No”) should be taught early. One of those choices should be outercourse.

goldin_kiss-300x228

Although definitions vary, outercourse is sex play without vaginal, anal, or oral penetration.  Outercourse can include hot talk, erotic fantasy, spicy role-plays, sensual massage, bathing together, mutual masturbation, and dry sex (aka: dry humping or frottage).

Outercourse is simple, convenient, and free and can satisfy both partners.  But the main advantages are there’s virtually no chance for unwanted pregnancies or diseases. 

Skeptical?  Think kids will just slide into “home” without rounding first, second, and third “base?”  Maybe.  But until they learn there are many other exciting options, we’re going to continue to get what we’ve got which is tragic.

Outercourse:  https://www.google.com/

Falling In Sex

Monday, August 26th, 2019

A recent report said kids are having sex more today; many for the wrong reason: they’re looking for love. Wow – looking for love through sex is like panning for gold in aquarium gravel. 

And it’s no wonder people are confused – our culture has mixed up sex and love so much the poor kids don’t know if they’re coming or going.

We teach our kids sex is dirty and disgusting – “make sure you save it for someone you love.”  OF COURSE sex is better with someone you love – so is eating Chinese food – but this double message confuses the hell out of kids – and most adults. 

To make matters worse, we call having sex, “making love.”  Spin that one around a few zillion times in people’s minds and you get what we’ve got.

How many love relationships have we seen broken up because people confuse precious love with raging whore moans?  They feel so guilty about sex, they “fall in love” with someone who only pushed their hot buttons. We often fall in sex and then look for reasons to justify it. Reason #1 in society approval: love.

Most churches, schools, and parents STILL refuse to talk honestly about the difference between sex and love. They’d rather permanently lock them together, give kids organ recitals,  ignore reality, and preach about 1950s morals at which kids rightfully laugh.

We must teach young adults about the responsibilities and pleasures of sex.  One of the main responsibilities is to not confuse it with love.