Archive for the ‘Paolo’s Best’ Category

Who’s Knocking At Your Door?

Friday, July 16th, 2021

Lately there’s been an increase in the number of salespeople and census takers walking through neighborhoods. Most are legitimate but there are crooks giving their pitches to unsuspecting homeowners.

How can you tell who’s who?

Bring your cell phone/camera to the door. Just say, “I’d like to take your picture before we begin.” Legitimate vendors won’t have a problem with that.

But if the guy jumps off your porch and goes tearing down the street, chances are he’s not someone with whom you’d like to do business. Immediately report the incident to the police.

You’re welcome.

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‘Aloutte’ Pluck You

Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

(al-lou-WET-ta)

Target had a trippy, colorful commercial with a guaranteed earworm*.  We used to sing the song in kindergarten – in French – having no idea of the meaning.  It’s pretty bizarre.  The commercial’s theme is how Target can change your drab world of dull clothes into bright, exciting colors.

A hot air balloon floats down into brown-town filled with colorful, high energy acrobats. They race through the town whipping off the dull clothes of amazed people and replacing them with flashy apparel.

The song is OK – until you learn what it really says.  Alloute is a small, pretty bird we call a “lark.”  The song goes,

 Little skylark, lovely little skylark
 Little lark, I’ll pluck your feathers off
 I’ll pluck the feathers off your head
 Off your beak
 Off your neck
 Off your wings
 Off your head – off your head
 Little lark, little lark
 O-o-o-o-oh, alloute….

“Alloute” could be the theme song for potential serial killers who start by torturing animals.  I know a lot of fairy tales are pretty grisly too – so hey, I may be making too much of kids being exposed to happy violence.  We saw it when we were kids…

… and look how well we turned out.

* ‘I Have Earworms … She Said’ 

https://presentationsunplugged.com/blog/

Earth As A Planet? C+

Tuesday, May 11th, 2021
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First off – let’s keep God out of the discussion.  I don’t know – can’t know – if He made the earth.   I don’t know if earth came from a big bang, little bang, or it’s just an unpopped kernel on the floor of someone else’s universe.  Nobody knows and nobody knows anybody who knows.  

So I get a little strange (some would say I passed that exit long ago) when I hear a moonbeam getting all misty-brained reverently talking about earth – MOTHER earth, no less!  No – it’s not my Mother. My Mother wasn’t even “earthy” – she was quite refined.

What we’re talking about here (on earth) is a planet that’s 3/4’s uninhabitable unless you have gills.  Throw in another 10- or 15-per cent that’s mostly miserable (deserts, swamps, mountains, and poles,) and what do we have left? 10% of a planet on which we can live – and 90-per cent wasted.

Inhabitants? The vast, vast majority are insects, fish, animals, or birds.  The human niches are filled with people who would never choose to have each other as family nor friends. Basically no one can tolerate anyone else here without effort and patience.  And every modern tribe “knows” it’s better than anyone else. 

The earth is “great” only by comparison to other planets that we know.  Universally it’s just a C+ planet. Make the most of it on your visit.

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“I Am Fine”

Friday, April 30th, 2021

Tuffy the Cat and I live alone. I rarely go out nor speak to many people on the phone. That’s why I was concerned when I thought, “Who would know if I dropped dead on the floor? Who would feed Tuffy?”

That’s when I discovered “I Am Fine,” an automated, computer call-in service. Every day at precisely 8:00 AM, the phone rings and a recorded voice says, “Hello, Frank. If you’re OK, please press #1. Thank you.” And that’s it.

Now if I DIDN’T pick up, the service would call back every 1/2 hour and check on me for about 2-hours. If I STILL didn’t pick up, a rep from the company would call the 1st person on my ‘Emergency Call’ list. She would say, “Frank hasn’t checked in with us today. Would you please see if he’s alright and call us back?”

In that case, my first emergency contact would take the elevator to my floor and knock on my door.

The service is relatively inexpensive at about 35-cents per day. That’s REALLY cheap for Tuffy’s safety!

I Think Anyone Who Lives Alone With A Pet Should Consider This Idea.

Bless Me Father For I Have Sneezed

Sunday, April 25th, 2021
I could skip the confession but I'd love that shirt back.

I could skip the confession but I’d love that shirt back.

“Bless me Father for I have sinned. Uh, maybe we’d better start on the small ones first. I’ve had some bad thoughts since my last confession. I’d kinda like to go in reverse, chronological order here – is that OK, Father? Thanks.

I got on the elevator this morning with a big basket of laundry and the bottle of detergent teetering on top. I hate doing laundry so I’m not in a real great mood anyway. The laundry and I are taking an elevator ride down to the ‘machines ‘o wash’ when we stop at one of the nether floors and this doofy guy gets in. He looks at me, then down at my laundry and soap, then back at me and says, “Gonna do laundry?” Now Father, I know ‘God works in mysterious ways’ – why he would put GOAT BRAINS in anyone’s head is beyond me.

And right away some wise-ass answers popped into my head. I was tempted (and may I have the confession transcript underline the word ‘tempted’ here? Thanks, Father.) I was tempted to say, “Nah, the dirty shirts and shorts were getting bored in the closet so I thought I’d take them for a walk in the park.” Or, “Noooo. It’s my birthday and my dirty clothes are bringing me down to the lounge for cake and soda.”

But I fought it, Father! I think that should be noted here. What I did was, I tried to copy the nitwit’s dumb smile, nodded my head, and then said, “Heh, heh. Yup – laundry.” He nodded back in profound understanding.

So Father, I know mean, sarcastic thoughts are a sin – a venal sin, I might add. But since I fought them back and rolled around on this guy’s level, I think we could drop it down to a ‘Venal – 3rd-Degree ‘ – is that OK, Father? Maybe even ‘Venal -4th’ with an extra ‘Hail Mary’ on top…. OK, Father?…… Father?”

Catholics and confession:  https://www.google.com

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Earth Day My Ass

Thursday, April 22nd, 2021

Rainforest? Pave it – make it a parking lot!

My liberal friends hate it when I say I really don’t give a damn about Earth Day.  The roots of my apathy go back over 45-years.

In 1970, the Anti-Vietnam War movement began to lose momentum. People were discouraged because that “win-less” war continued despite our best protests.

And then came Earth Day – and everyone had a NEW CAUSE – Environmentalism. The trendies quickly embraced goals which were ridiculously futuristic and too easy. After all, who was “for” pollution and against the earth? We anti-war demonstrators were booed, gassed, clubbed, arrested, and beaten. We were called commies and traitors.

No one spit on or hated tree-hugging, dolphin-kissing, dirt-worshipping earth lovers. As a cause, environmentalism was as good and clean as it got. 

Worse? It reverently centered on the Future! Our Future.  Our Kids’ Future.  Our Planet’s Future. Ah, the Future – 100 years, 500 years, 10- centuries from now – alla God’s chillens gonna have clean air, pretty trees, and snail darting fish – in the Future.

The only problem is what about NOW?! Right now we have piles of bodies from the ravages of wars, hunger, disease, and poverty. 40,000 people – mostly children – unnecessarily dropping dead EVERY SINGLE DAY!  How green will they be in 500 years? Shall we put them in blue recycling boxes or just dump them in the landfills of history?

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You probably won’t read more about starving children here. But make sure you wear a green shirt today.

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Waterfalls are so much prettier than starving children.

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NASA Monkey Business

Wednesday, April 21st, 2021

Before sending a man into orbit in the early 1960′s, NASA (National Aeronautics and Space Administration) tested the conditions using chimpanzees. The most famous Chimp-Astronaut was Ham who actually did simple, timed tasks in his pre-flight training.

On January 31, 1961, Ham was secured in a Project Mercury space capsule and launched from Cape Canaveral, Florida, on a suborbital flight.  After about 17-minutes in space (during which time he hit buttons and pulled levers on cue,) Ham splashed down and became an instant national hero. 

He was pictured on the cover of Life magazine and thousands of Americans wrote requesting his “autograph.”  NASA gladly complied and helped him put his inked hand print on numerous photographs.

The “real” astronauts were infuriated!  These were top Air Force test pilots who risked their lives and trained for years in America’s space program.  They hated the fact most Americans now thought their missions were so easy, they could be completed by monkeys.

On February 20, 1962,  John Glenn became the first American to orbit the Earth aboard Friendship 7.  To honor this huge achievement, President Kennedy invited him to the White House for a special award. As soon as she saw him, Carolyn Kennedy, the President’s young daughter asked, “Where’s the monkey?

NASA Monkey retirement home:  https://www.google.com/

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No Vital Organs Hit

Thursday, April 15th, 2021

A few years ago, Dante Autillo shot a nail into his head and barely noticed. The 32-year old woodworker from Oakland Park Illinois, was in his shop when he accidentally scratched his head with his nail gun and fired the 5 and 1/2” projectile into his skull.

Thinking he cut his scalp,  Dante went into the house where his fiancé Gail Glaenzer cleaned the wound with hydrogen peroxide.  He then went about his business even shoveling snow!  The next day, however, the woodworker felt nauseated so Gail insisted he have the wound checked at an emergency room.

After a quick x-ray, doctors were horrified to see the clear picture of a nail over 5-inches long embedded in the man’s brain.  They immediately made arrangements with a larger hospital to perform emergency surgery. Still, Dante never lost consciousness nor felt any unusual pain.  In fact, on the ambulance ride to the second hospital, he posted the picture above to his Facebook account so his friends could see his “brainchild.”

After a two-hour operation, Dante remained in satisfactory condition.  He made a necklace out of his removed nail.

There are some people who say Dante may not be the smartest guy in the world – but when it comes to brains, I say he nailed it.

Nail gun safety:  https://www.google.com/

Drowning In The Gene Pool

Saturday, April 10th, 2021
"Get back you little bastards!"

                               “Get back you little bastards!”

I will spare you the unhappy details but a while back I was kind of forced into a conversation with a few of the guys from my building. This all-male talk fest was rolling and the subject of children came up.

Right away I could tell this just wasn’t going to be my lucky day. I mean I really don’t mind kids – if they’re somebody else’s’ – and live somewhere else – and I’m not there.

But I’m proud of the fact that I was one of the first men in my county to have a vasectomy before having children – almost 40-years ago. Of course this conversation was not about NOT having children – it was all about the DUTY of having them. Uh-oh.

The least evolved of the group spoke loudest; it seems he has a “need to breed”.

“I gotta have a son to carry on my Family Line.”

Now the only “line” with which I would associate this guy and his family is the line at the Department of Social Services where he would need help filling out the application. If all of this guy’s offspring mutated into plants and vegetables, our gene pool would be a nicer place in which to swim.

Of course I didn’t say that – but I sure thought it.

Most Vasectomy Scissors Are Smaller.

Does it hurt to have a vasectomy?   https://www.google.com

Taste That Beats The Others Warm

Thursday, April 8th, 2021

India is the world’s largest democracy. Indians don’t eat what Westerners eat (beef) – and we don’t drink what some Indians drink: a soft drink made from cow urine. Cows are sacred and honored in India even, apparently, their liquid waste fluids.

This bovine brew is being developed by the Cow Protection Department of the RSS, India’s largest and oldest Hindu nationalist group. (See what happens when unions get out of control?) Hindus have been pushing the health benefits of drinking Bossie’s “other wet drink” for thousands of years.

Om Prakash, the head of CPD, said the drink – called “gau jal,” or “cow water” – in Sanskrit – “won’t smell like urine and will be tasty too. It will not be carbonated and it will be devoid of any toxins.” Right.

Now, I’m no expert on cow piss but I would guess the whole thing is pretty toxic and if you take out the toxins, really – what’s the point? Well, of course, there’s another point – Hindus believe their country is going to hell because of Western cultural influences best symbolized by Coca Cola. And gau jal just might be what the yogi ordered to stem the flow (so to speak).

I think the whole thing is udderly ridiculous – but what a pisser! And if you want to try it?  Urine good company.

Indians who drink cow urine:  https://www.google.com/