Archive for the ‘Paolo’s Best’ Category

“Gore-B-Gone”

Monday, September 9th, 2019

Who Will Clean Up Your Last Mess?

There are twice the number of suicides than murders in the US.  And often people just don’t go quietly into that good night.  Guns – by far  – issue the largest number of one-way, nonstop tickets to never-ever land. And they make a mess.

The problem is:  who’s going to sparkle and shine up a person’s last grand gesture of painting the walls, spraying the furniture, and splattering the rug?  After the body is taken away and the authorities lock up the place, who’s going to start cleaning this interior design of gore-decor topped with yellow, crime-scene tape?  Obviously, the person responsible is not going to be of much help.

Fortunately there are people who make their living doing this sort of thing and can eat their lunch while on the job.  Many employees in the field are undocumented workers who won’t talk about their jobs because they don’t speak English. They’re called “Gore-Whores.”

The link below will take you to the most famous company in the field and which may have a franchise open near you.

Did a Man Marry the Holland Tunnel?

Thursday, September 5th, 2019

Erika Eiffel always loved the tall silent type – but then she took her preference to the extreme and married the Eiffel Tower.  After a small, ceremony with friends in Paris, Erika legally changed her name to Erika LaTour Eiffel.  There are no reports of how the marriage was consummated.

Erika is an “objectum sexual” – people who fall in love with inanimate objects. In a documentary entitled “The Woman Who Married the Eiffel Tower,” she is shown hugging her “husband” and telling him how much she loves him. The objects these women choose are often sexually symbolic.

The term “objectum sexual” was coined by a Swedish woman named Eija-Riitta Berliner-Mauer, who married the Berlin Wall in the 1970s, according to the documentary. I’m no matchmaker but I would suggest this woman drop at least one hyphen and one name to find the man of her dreams.

There are no reports of men suffering from this psychological malady but I was always puzzled by the strange allure of an open manhole.

Would you like to view an ABC News story on this woman?

youtube.com

NO WINDMILL CANCER!

Wednesday, September 4th, 2019

You Don’t Have To Take Off Your Clothes

Thursday, August 29th, 2019

WARNING: This post contains graphic descriptions of human sexuality.  It may not be suitable for parents.

Condoms are distributed on request in my city’s high schools.  They seem to be reducing the rate of unwanted pregnancies and venereal diseases despite how loudly some parents are screaming.

“My little Susie doesn’t do THAT!” Right.  I used to know little Susie and she did do that – plus a lot of other stuff.  These kids aren’t getting pregnant and STD’s from the Tooth Fairy.  It’s time we accepted reality and help them make better choices.

People believe we have sex education in schools but what we really have are organ recitals.  A clear list of choices (including abstinence and “How to Tell Your Boyfriend “No”) should be taught early. One of those choices should be outercourse.

goldin_kiss-300x228

Although definitions vary, outercourse is sex play without vaginal, anal, or oral penetration.  Outercourse can include hot talk, erotic fantasy, spicy role-plays, sensual massage, bathing together, mutual masturbation, and dry sex (aka: dry humping or frottage).

Outercourse is simple, convenient, and free and can satisfy both partners.  But the main advantages are there’s virtually no chance for unwanted pregnancies or diseases. 

Skeptical?  Think kids will just slide into “home” without rounding first, second, and third “base?”  Maybe.  But until they learn there are many other exciting options, we’re going to continue to get what we’ve got which is tragic.

Outercourse:  https://www.google.com/

Falling In Sex

Monday, August 26th, 2019

A recent report said kids are having sex more today; many for the wrong reason: they’re looking for love. Wow – looking for love through sex is like panning for gold in aquarium gravel. 

And it’s no wonder people are confused – our culture has mixed up sex and love so much the poor kids don’t know if they’re coming or going.

We teach our kids sex is dirty and disgusting – “make sure you save it for someone you love.”  OF COURSE sex is better with someone you love – so is eating Chinese food – but this double message confuses the hell out of kids – and most adults. 

To make matters worse, we call having sex, “making love.”  Spin that one around a few zillion times in people’s minds and you get what we’ve got.

How many love relationships have we seen broken up because people confuse precious love with raging whore moans?  They feel so guilty about sex, they “fall in love” with someone who only pushed their hot buttons. We often fall in sex and then look for reasons to justify it. Reason #1 in society approval: love.

Most churches, schools, and parents STILL refuse to talk honestly about the difference between sex and love. They’d rather permanently lock them together, give kids organ recitals,  ignore reality, and preach about 1950s morals at which kids rightfully laugh.

We must teach young adults about the responsibilities and pleasures of sex.  One of the main responsibilities is to not confuse it with love.

Have A Seat

Thursday, August 22nd, 2019
The Sybian

Guys, if your lover asks for a ‘Sybian’ for her next birthday, try to get it right. Maybe she just wants a fancy-ass phone by Nokia – or maybe she wants “the world’s greatest adult toy.”  If she wants the sit down machine, your days are probably numbered.

The Sybian was invented in the 1980’s and “designed for a woman’s ultimate pleasure.”  At first the inventors were going to name it “The Master Better” – but thought better of it.  It comes with four attachments – two with different textures.  You can also buy a much longer attachment in black rubber. (Naw – I just made that up.)

It’s quite a machine.  The attachment ROTATES using over .34 horsepower and VIBRATES using .59.  Horsepower is a good word to use because the woman sits or kneels astride the device.  It’s power is determined by a remote control device held by the user or anyone to whom she hands it.

When the Sybian first appeared, it cost over $2-thousand dollars.  Today they’re all over the internet for $400-600 bucks each.  A used Sybian (attachments are washable) is sometimes advertised on Craig’s List and I’ll bet there are a few good stories (maybe pictures) behind each and every one.

Used Sybians: https://www.google.com/

Asswipe Doesn’t Care Anymore

Thursday, August 22nd, 2019

Disgraced President Asswipe has been rocketing towards crazyville faster and I think I know why:

There’s only a 50-50 chance the bastard will run for re-election and now he’s just bleating bullshit for attention. I said the same thing last fall.

Crazy Rudy Giuliani, ‘Worst AG-Barr-None,’ and more competent lawyers will work out a justice deal like Nixon and Agnew got. Asswipe would agree to resign or not to run in exchange for the Southern District of New York Prosecutors dropping all charges against him and his family.

Even Asswipe can figure out it’s better NOT to run for President and be free – than to run, lose, and then face criminal charges with possible time in the Trump Wing of the Crossbar Hotel.

The odiferous buffoon doesn’t like his job anyway.

He Doesn’t Look A Day Older Than 2019

Tuesday, August 20th, 2019
Jesus Christ

Pope Benedict wrote a book, “Jesus of Nazareth: The Infancy Narratives.” In it he gives us new evidence about Jesus’ age which was computed by ‘Dennis the Small,’ a sixth century monk.  Dennis forgot to carry the one or something and it turns out Christ was actually 6-years older than the Christian Calendar indicates.

Also, anthropologists now think the image above is a better representation of what Jesus really looked like. Perhaps one of his miracles turned him into the white-skinned, blue-eyed, long-haired hunk Christians worship today.

Remember, if you’re ever in a game of ‘Christrivia,’ say Jesus was crucified at 39 rather than 33.  In fact, tell that fact to every stranger you see – it’s a real conversation-starter.

How old was Jesus when he died?  https://www.google.com/

The Last Virgin In New Jersey

Monday, August 19th, 2019

Let’s face it, West New York, New Jersey doesn’t have a lot going for it. Magnificently overwhelmed by New York City just across the Hudson River, West New York didn’t even bother to choose an original town name.

That’s why its townspeople were thrilled when an image of the Blessed Virgin Mary formed in a tree right in the middle of their commercial district!

Someone told Mayor George Morene about it and he declared the tree “a miracle.” Since then, hundreds of tourists have made a pilgrimage to the site praying, taking pictures, and falling to their knees on the sidewalk. West New York businesses flourished – especially the nearby McDonalds.

Hmmm.  I don’t quite see an image of the BVM in the photos but it does remind me of something.  I just can’t put my finger on it.

Miracle Mockers

Sunday, August 18th, 2019

Jesus – they don’t make miracles like they used to! In Biblical times, miracles stunned people. The parting of the Red Sea, the fish & loaves multiplication tables, leper-curing on the spot and raising the dead were all crowd pleasers. Boffo, Jesus! Encore!

But what do we get today? Jesus’s face on ANYTHING!

The Jesus Grilled Cheese Sandwich

The Jesus Shower Curtain

The Jesus Tortilla

The Jesus Tree

(Rochester, New York contribution)

The Jesus Croissant

Jesus! It’s a miracle anyone goes to church anymore. Each of these Jesus items is a real item – you decide if it’s Jesus. Most have been on e-bay.

How can you tell if something’s a real miracle? Think of the reaction people would have if an ocean, with a gazillion trillion gallons of water, actually parted. Then think of the reaction of most people after viewing the “miracles” above.

There’s a pretty good chance it’s NOT a real miracle if most of the crowd walks away, rolling their eyes and muttering, “Give me a friggin’ break………”