“Can’t We All Just Live Together?”

RODNEY KING or RODNEY DANGERFIELD (I forget which)

I agree with a lot of conservatives and other criminals when I say I am against repressive gun control. Of course I AM in favor of some restrictions. My favorite is the 3-day “cooling off” rule. In many states, you have to wait three days between the time you purchase a handgun and when you actually pick it up. This is the time to listen to your lover’s lover side of the story – or hatch an escape plan – or both.

I thought of this when I was throwing out stuff and came across a yellowed, newspaper article which I had saved from the ’80’s. It still made me laugh.

An old couple was coming home from Bingo. When they opened the back door and turned on the lights, they were confronted by a burglar with a gun who demanded they put their hands over their heads. The old man begged the robber not to harm his wife – he would take him into the living room where they kept all of their money.

The burglar thought this a good plan and marched the old man down the hall- probably not even hearing the door as the old woman bolted from the house to rouse the neighbors. The old man pointed to an end table with a drawer. The burglar indicated with his pistol that he should open it. The old man opened the drawer, dramatically pulled out a huge pistol, and threatened to blow off the head of the robber.

The burglar freaked, dropped his gun (which happened to be a toy) and ran out the back door in time to see the old guy’s wife pointing at him from a neighbor’s porch. The neighbor picked up a baseball bat and gave chase but fortunately for the burglar, he could not catch him.

Punchline to the story? The gun the old man pointed at the burglar was his grandson’s toy pistol.

The police issued a statement saying citizens should not take the law into their own hands. Right. They said the use of toy guns to bluff criminals is very dangerous. I agree. That’s why I think the old man’s gun should have been large – and real.

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