Bless Me Father For I Have Sneezed

confession

Bless me Father for I have sinned. Uh, maybe we’d better start on the small ones first. I’ve had some bad thoughts since my last confession. I’d kinda like to go in reverse, chronological order here – is that OK, Father? Thanks.

I got on the elevator this morning with a big basket of laundry and the bottle of detergent teetering on top. I hate doing laundry so I’m not in a real great mood anyway. The laundry and I are taking an elevator ride down to the ‘machines ‘o wash’ when we stop at one of the nether floors and this doofy guy gets in.

He looks at me, then down at my laundry and soap, then back at me and says, “Gonna do laundry?”

Now Father, I know ‘God works in mysterious ways’ – why he would put GOAT BRAINS in anyone’s head is beyond me. And right away some wise-ass answers popped into my head. I was tempted (and may I have the confession transcript underline the word ‘tempted’ here? Thanks, Father.) I was tempted to say,

“Nah, the dirty shirts and shorts were getting bored in the closet so I thought I’d take them for a walk in the park.” Or,

“Noooo. It’s my birthday and my dirty clothes are bringing me down to the lounge for cake and soda.”

But I fought it, Father! I think that should be noted here. What I did was, I tried to copy the nitwit’s dumb smile, nodded my head, and then said, “Heh, heh. Yup – laundry.” He nodded back in profound understanding.

So Father, I know mean, sarcastic thoughts are a sin – a venal sin, I might add. But since I fought them back and rolled around on this guy’s level, I think we could drop it down to a ‘Venal – 3rd-Degree ‘ – is that OK, Father? Maybe even ‘Venal -4th’ with an extra ‘Hail Mary’ on top…. OK, Father?…… Father?”

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7 Responses to “Bless Me Father For I Have Sneezed”

  1. Steve says:

    LOL. Nice one.
    One of those Larry David moments.
    “Am I doing laundry, whatareyou, kidding me? I mean, you see I got some dirty clothes, I got my detergent, some fabric softener….I mean, Holy Shit, what did you think I was doing, hey, I bet he’s doing laundry”
    “Look, I just asked, I was tryin to make con-”
    “Converstaion, yes…I know, but you can see I’m going to do laundry, I mean, what else would I be doing? I’m not taking this to a ball game”
    “OK, I’m sorry, I…”
    “No, you don’t have to apologize, I just, you know, thought it was sorta obvious…”

  2. paolo. says:

    GM, Steve.
    My cultural ignorance again – who is Larry David?

    BTW: you might be interested in the forum under ‘News’ about the young man drowning in his car in the canal. While many of us have expressed condolences, there’s one kook who’s beginning to lecture on DWI. Not the time for it. He’s an Asshole. I called him one so you’d better hurry before the board down.

  3. Steve says:

    Larry David, co-wrote “Seinfeld” and is on “Curb Your Enthusiam” (very funny show on HBO, which I don’t have, but have seen the dvd’s.)

  4. Steve says:

    Yea, saw that.
    There are some real assholes out there.

  5. Brenda says:

    I see they removed your comment as well as the other ones.

  6. Joe Belle-Isle says:

    What’s GM? My cultural ignorance again. Actually all automobiles should have a razor sharp blade handy in an inconspicuous and impossible to hurt you place in case you find yourself the victim of being pushed over the side of a bridge like one old couple here doing the speed limit on the longest and slowest bridge in this area, and drowned because while hanging upside down they couldn’t unbuckle their seatbelts from their body weight holding it together, That’s what killed them, their seatbelts.A truck further in front dropped something blocking the two lane road (Half of it anyway) and a semi that couldn’t stop as fast as the old folks car did was pushed into them, they balanced for a second and flipped upside down 15′ into the water (Shallow). Then I found out people hanging upside down by their seatbelts in shallow water are drowned all over the country every year. Parachtists have a quick release, it couldn’t be that hard to design one. And I’ll bet most of those people are stone cold sober.

  7. paolo. says:

    Joe – TODAY Show did a segment on this. Scary! Healthy young news woman went into a simulation tank in a car and said she panicked! (AND she was expecting it!) Upside down she couldn’t find the seatbelt latch, couldn’t kick out the windows, and they were ELECTRIC so there were no window cranks!

    Eventually a guy went in for her and pulled her out. Her bugged-eyes and manic speech attested to the fact this shit is SERIOUS and people should be prepared for the worst.

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