Archive for May, 2021

Thank A Grill This Weekend

Monday, May 31st, 2021

Are you having a cookout this weekend? Many Americans do because it’s a tradition – and you “do” traditions whether you want to or not. 

The husband (usually) drags out the Weber grill, fills it with old charcoal (vintage: Memorial Day, 2012), dumps on too much lighter fluid (a definite lack of creativity naming this product), lights it, and then jumps back from the 2-foot flames.

“I’ll be ready for those burgers in about 10-minutes!” he shouts to his eye-rolling wife who is just thankful he didn’t set the house on fire. Then Dad grabs another beer – his fourth. The kids groan when they see a backyard inferno like they haven’t seen since the newscasts of the California wildfires. Ahh, charred rawhide for dinner again this year. The charcoal briquettes might be easier to eat.

“MOM! Can we go to McDonalds?”

”No!” she yells back. “We’re a family – and families cook and eat outdoors together on Memorial Day. It’s important to your Father.”

Louder groans. “Why?” one yells.

“God friggin’ knows…,” she thinks as she scoops salads onto serving plates from plastic containers bought at the supermarket.

“Go set the table! Use the paper plates and plastic silverware.” More groans. Even before the kids find the long lost picnic supplies, the wind picks up and a new species of aggressive fly is attracted to the smell of burning meat. Finally the family is seated. Paper plates are held down by mayonnaisey salads and one hand – as the other tries to shoo away the unrelenting pests.

And despite the fact that everything on the grill is now uniformly burnt to a crispy black, and everyone is miserable, Dad asks the punch line question, “How would you like your burger?”

Cookout tips:


Sunday, May 30th, 2021

Annette Funnicello, Mouseketeer (and my Cousin)


Sunday, May 30th, 2021

Bob Barker, TV Game Show Host


Sunday, May 30th, 2021

Ruth Ginsburg, Supreme Court Justice


Sunday, May 30th, 2021

Rodney Dangerfield, Comedian


Sunday, May 30th, 2021

Steve Jobs, CEO, Apple

Baron Daemon

Saturday, May 29th, 2021

In the early 1960s, Saturday afternoon monster movies on local TV had “horror hosts” who really were horrible. Many were take-offs of “real” Hollywood movie ghouls and monsters.

Usually these guys truly sucked and most of us kids knew it. We did crude impersonations of them especially mocking their “transylvania” accents and laughs.

Syracuse, New York’s host was Mike Price, a local TV weatherman. Mike took 2-maybe 3-minutes to slap on awful make-up and a Salvation Army “Dracula” costume. He then became “Baron Daemon” (think: Count Dracula) before introducing the horror movie.

In 1962, he recorded “The Transylvania Twist,” an instantly-forgettable ditty including the words “Grab ahold of your baby, don’t leave her alone. She might be a date for Baron Daemon!”

As a special treat for all of you ‘boils and ghouls’ out there, you can hear it here:

She Loved A Man With Small Stones

Wednesday, May 26th, 2021

Pounds of moon rocks were transported back to earth in 1969 and it was reported that some of the astronauts and scientists pilfered a few to give to loved ones as an unprecedented gift of moon memorabilia.


My friend Bonnie, a very attractive ‘hippy chick,’ got a few pieces. They were given to her by the nephew – grandson – 3rd cousin – “somebody” related to one of the scientists. He gave them to her in a purple velvet bag.

I turned my head so she wouldn’t see my eyes roll – though she must have heard my suppressed chuckle/cough.

“I know what you’re thinking Franco,” she said, “but it wasn’t ‘that’ – I balled him before he gave them to me.” Now that was probably true – Bonnie had slept with everyone except the ‘Man in the Moon.’

“Where are they now?” I asked.

“I ate them.”

“Say WHAT!?”

“That’s right,” she said, “they just looked like regular, crushed stones – and I knew no one would believe they were from the moon, so I ate them.  I wanted them to be part of me forever.” (Obviously human digestion was not her strong suite.)

Long pause.

“Once I got a tan – from the sun,” I said.

“You know, Franco, sometimes you can be a real asshole.”

She’s right.

Fake moon rocks:


Tuffy …

Wednesday, May 26th, 2021

“Well Maybe She Put …

Tuesday, May 25th, 2021

… Her Bra On Backwards!”