Archive for October, 2020

The First – And Last Place – He Saw Her

Saturday, October 31st, 2020

Boy meets Girl in a Florida Lenscrafters. She saw something in his eyes and they fell in love.  He asked her to say “eye do.”   She said ‘yes’ but died a few months later.  The boy then had his fiancee’s body cremated, sprinkled her ashes back at the store for “closure,” and left the scene.  Lenscrafters personnel, not knowing the white powder was a former employee, called the Sarasota police.

Hazmat crews responded, closed the mall, and asked shoppers to shelter in place so they could see if the substance was hazardous .  She wasn’t.

Sarasota has decided not to press charges against the grieving man but is considering charging him for all the costs involved.

Moral:  Don’t Put Down Her Ashes Where You Pick Up Your Glasses

Where can you scatter ashes?

Swallow Your Pride

Saturday, October 31st, 2020

I think I’m supposed to start by warning people that sword-swallowing is VERY DANGEROUS and should not be attempted at home.  But if you’re dumb enough to slide a 2-foot piece of metal down your throat without lessons, I’d be much more likely to nominate you for the ‘culling of the herd’ human evolution solution. And good luck to you.

Yes – sword-swallowers really do it. No – I don’t know how.  But I found a  link here from the series: “How Stuff Works” website. There are pages of explanations and instructions including:

“The act of swallowing a sword is an interaction between two fundamentally dissimilar objects – a human being’s upper gastrointestinal (GI) tract and a sword. The upper GI tract is a series of connected, living organs. It includes the throat, or pharynx, the esophagus and the stomach. The GI tract is relatively soft, and it has several pronounced curves in its relaxed state. A sword, on the other hand, is inanimate and rigid.”

More here.

If you proudly learn how to swallow a sword, you may join this group:

Freak The Kids – Carve A Pepper!

Friday, October 30th, 2020

Put a little scare back into Halloween! Carved orange pumpkins are so boring, the kids might fall asleep on your porch.  Use your imagination!  Hell, the night is supposed to be at least a little scary, so do some edgy stuff before the little beggars get their treats.

Hook up speakers and blast the little superheros onto your lawn with extremely loud screams and groans.  Make sure the sounds aren’t playing constantly – wait until a new group arrives before hitting ‘play’.  A hooked up microphone can really add to the fun.

Hand out wrapped candy with fake, blood-dripping hands.  Come to the door with guts hanging from your mouth. And smile – don’t make a thing of it.  Talk to people who aren’t there and act very afraid.  Crawl to the door and give out treats lying down.  Carry a shovel and put your spouse on your back – seriously ask the kids to help you bury the body.

Ask them to bow their heads a moment before getting the treats because it was exactly one-year ago that your nephew, Joe Bagadonuts, had his throat slit on this very porch. Make sure there are adequate blood stains all over the stoop.  Come to the door crying and sobbing uncontrollably.

Do you want to REALLY repulse them?  For a treat, give them an apple or carrot.

Halloween My Ass!

Friday, October 30th, 2020

This & That

Friday, October 30th, 2020
Another reason to go on living.

Disappointing Susan Collins

Thursday, October 29th, 2020

Postmodern Is Best!

Thursday, October 29th, 2020

No trumpets In Hospitals!

Monday, October 26th, 2020

trumpets: You believe Covid-19 is a hoax. President Asswipe told you so. You probably believe masks are unnecessary, social distancing violates your Constitutional right to be stupid, the numbers are exaggerated, and the whole thing is a conspiracy to get trump out of office.

Fine. I support your right to believe any fucking fairy tale you choose.


If by some chance you catch the disease, DON’T YOU DARE go to our overcrowded hospitals!!!! Believe in donnie and cure it yourselves with bleach! I sincerely hope you will be denied ANY traditional, medical treatment.

Some may call this murder. I call it a “culling of the herd.”



Sunday, October 25th, 2020

No Lack Of Characters

Saturday, October 24th, 2020

Years ago. my ex-wife and I were talking about ‘characters.’ Do you know any?

Characters are people who live in their own colorful definition of reality and have a hard time fitting into the black and white world most of us share.

I know a number of characters – a guy who was one of New York’s best safe crackers in the ‘60’s – a woman who believed she was John Kennedy’s illegitimate daughter – a man who became a pet groomer to find the reincarnation of his dead dog – well, the list could go on – I LOVE characters! But the discussion took an unpleasant turn when she said I was a character. Me?

“You’re kidding!” I said, “I’m not a character.”

“Characters never think they’re characters.” she said.

“Wait a little minute here, “ I said trying to get my thoughts together.

I thought of Johnny, a 65-year old guy who moved to Washington Square Park in Manhattan in December so he could be homeless and live in a cardboard box. When I asked him why, he said, “Franco – that’s New York! If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere!”

Then there was Christine, an ex-dancer with whom I was talking about “looks”. I said, “I know I’m no Brad Pitt.” She immediately sat up, seriously looked at me and said, “Why did you bring up Brad Pitt?”

Of course I said, “You know Brad Pitt?”

She laid down again and said, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Now THESE people are characters! I’m not a character.

“Don’t worry about it,” she said, “There are a lot of good people who are characters.

“Yeh, well – what about YOU? How many people walk around deciding who’s a character and who isn’t, hmmm?”

“I see we can’t talk about this any more,” she said. And then she stood up and walked out of the room. What a character!

Are you eccentric?