Archive for July, 2019

Randy’s Latest

Tuesday, July 23rd, 2019

You Can’t Snake It With You

Monday, July 22nd, 2019

Randall “Mack” Wolford, 44, was a “serpent-handling preacher” just like his father. And, just like his father, Preacher Mack was bitten to death last week by a timber rattler.  His father was killed in 1983 by a large  rattle snake.  Oh well.

There are a small number of slithering Christian groups – mainly in the South – who literally believe the Bible including Mark: 17-18: “In My name they will cast out demons; they will speak with new tongues; they will take up serpents; and if they drink anything deadly, it will by no means hurt them.”

Most other Christian groups just consider the Bible a religious smorgasbord where you pick and choose the entrees you like and leave the rest as leftovers.  That’s why “homosexuality is an abomination” is a favorite food and snake handling will probably go back to the kitchen.

Most Christians also contend that these small nut groups DO NOT represent true Christians.  But somehow, maniac Muslim terrorists come straight from the Koran.  Agnostics have a term for this belief: hypocrisy.

“One Small Step For Propaganda”

Sunday, July 21st, 2019

Neil Armstrong, was the first American astronaut to walk on the moon in 1969. I can never think of him without thinking of government quotation manipulation.

As he stepped to the lunar surface, Armstrong was supposed to say “This is one small step for A man (meaning him), one giant leap for mankind.”

What he actually said was “This is one small step for . . . man, one giant leap for mankind”.  This makes the quote almost meaningless because without the  modifier “A”, the words ‘man’ and ‘mankind’ mean pretty much the same thing.

OK – no big deal – except when the NASA public relations department started lying about it. “Of course he said “A man”, they shrieked, “listen to the tape!”  People listened – and there wasn’t an ‘A’ to be heard for 240,000 miles of space.

The mainstream media and respected historical sources, often propaganda arms of the government, printed the quote with the ‘A’ intact! Examples: Time Magazine, the Encyclopedia Britannica, and Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations.

Again, no big deal. The problem comes when the American people believe without question other government quotes like “We have to protect America by building a wall and banning Muslims.”

July 20, 2019

Saturday, July 20th, 2019

trumpets can’t quite grasp how dangerous President Asswipe is to our country.

They understand tangible elements of his horseshit like the wall and Muslim ban – but they don’t comprehend how he’s sabotaging American institutions. He threatens freedom of the press, our judicial process, the Constitutional right of dissent, and a basic belief in justice and equality for all.

If Americans don’t believe in these institutions, they won’t participate. (Why vote if you think Russians will outvote you?) And then everything collapses.

We must never forget trumpass’s main goals are for more power and to increase his personal fortune.

Don’t believe me? Just wait.


Saturday, July 20th, 2019

But I DO want my trumpet-fans to keep sending me those hate-filled emails! ( You are the wind beneath my sails!

Trumpeez Tomorrow

Friday, July 19th, 2019

She Loved A Man With Small Stones

Friday, July 19th, 2019

Pounds of moon rocks were transported back to earth in 1969 and it was reported that some of the astronauts and scientists pilfered a few to give to loved ones as an unprecedented gift of moon memorabilia.


My friend Bonnie, a very attractive ‘hippy chick,’ got a few pieces. They were given to her by the nephew – grandson – 3rd cousin – “somebody” related to one of the scientists. He gave them to her in a purple velvet bag.

I turned my head so she wouldn’t see my eyes roll – though she must have heard my suppressed chuckle/cough.

“I know what you’re thinking Franco,” she said, “but it wasn’t ‘that’ – I balled him before he gave them to me.” Now that was probably true – Bonnie had slept with everyone except the ‘Man in the Moon.’

“Where are they now?” I asked.

“I ate them.”

“Say WHAT!?”

“That’s right,” she said, “they just looked like regular, crushed stones – and I knew no one would believe they were from the moon, so I ate them.  I wanted them to be part of me forever.” (Obviously human digestion was not her strong suite.)

Long pause.

“Once I got a tan – from the sun,” I said.

“You know, Franco, sometimes you can be a real asshole,” she replied.

She’s right.

Fake moon rocks:

Pro-trump? You’re Racist!

Thursday, July 18th, 2019

Take Two Aspirin And Don’t Call Me Again

Thursday, July 18th, 2019

We just had oral sex but I think I’m pregnant.”

The next time you go to a doctor’s office, look around the waiting room. About one out of four of the patients has absolutely nothing wrong with him.  He comes from a massive group of hypochondriacs the medical profession calls “The Worried-Well.”  He doesn’t have a significant ache, pain, cough, twinge. rash, lump, fever, itch, sore, food intolerance, infection or disease.  He stresses over maladies he made up in his mind  – sometimes even producing physical symptoms which confirm his fears.

The Worried Well want doctors to give them scripts, shots, pills, tests, scans, and anything else the medical profession has to prove that something’s wrong with them.  They’ve already diagnosed themselves from rumors, old wives tales, the evening news, and internet self-diagnostic sites.  And if doctors miss a serious illness, their medical malpractice insurance will hit them like a heart attack.

How does this affect you?  Besides rocketing your health care premiums, programs like Medicare, Medicaid, and Obamacare could topple into insolvency from the burden of unnecessary claims.  Sadly millions of lonely people, many of them seniors, know their doctors will talk to them – usually without a charge. How can we change this situation in a humane way?

I have no idea.

trump’s Favorite Rally Duo

Wednesday, July 17th, 2019