Archive for December 24th, 2014

Punishment Or Pleasure?

Wednesday, December 24th, 2014


Not just for the English anymore.

Sexual spanking:

Merry Christmyths

Wednesday, December 24th, 2014


Nah. Although I’m sure His reps on earth are happy to take gifts that day, no one actually knows when Christ was born – neither the date nor the year. Late December wasn’t even a contender until the 4th Century when holy men hooked it up with the Winter Solstice. The year? Many theologians put it between 4 and 6 – “BC”!


No. Nor you, your kids, nor your spouse. Poison centers are so overwhelmed with frantic calls around Christmas, many have ‘They’re Safe!’ ads on their web sites.


You may have felt you WANTED to kill yourself to escape holiday stress – but few people do. A 35-year study from a research group in Minnesota conclusively determined that there is no correlation between suicides and holidays.

Christmyth #4: THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS.

TRUE. Don’t let anyone tell you anything different.

Christmas myths:

Married – Now Having Cartoon Sex

Wednesday, December 24th, 2014

It’s now been 3-years since the Marriage Equality Act and life goes on here in New York. Despite dire predictions, not one person married his brother, his dog, nor himself.

A rather simple-minded person I know said, “How would people even know who’s gay if they didn’t tell us?”  He was getting a little paranoid because he thought a guy at his work might be looking at him “in the wrong way.”

I showed him the picture above and asked if the guy looked like one of these accountants.  He shook his head. “You’re safe then.” I said, “Most gay guys look like this and they walk around all day humming Judy Garland songs.”

Are you gay, bi, or straight?

Perfect Gift For Him – A Cashmere Sweater

Wednesday, December 24th, 2014

Planes, Trains, And Automobiles (1987) Trailer

Wednesday, December 24th, 2014

Great Holiday Film!


“Kid – Jehovani Can Read Your Mind!”

Wednesday, December 24th, 2014

So Christmas day you’re stuck at a relative’s house with a few 5-9 year olds who have already opened their gifts and are now looking at you to entertain them. They’re taking deep bored breaths and rolling their eyes.

What are you going to do?

First, whisper in a conspiratorial tone, “When I was in the Boar Wars in India in the ’70′s (whatever bullshit you make up) – I learned how to read peoples’ minds from a spirit named Jehovani!”

The kids should now express immediate skepticism or they’re too dumb for the trick.

“Want me to prove it?  OK, get a pad and a magic marker.”

“Now – you (pick the brattiest kid) choose a number – any number – that has three numbers in it – not the same.  Like 1-2-3 or 6-5-9 – anything.”

“Got it?”

Then you  close your eyes, grab your forehead, and gutterally chant the words to “Build Me Up Buttercup” so low they can’t make them out.  After a few seconds say, “OK – I’ve got the number!”

Take the pad, and write (so they can’t see) 1089. Make a big deal of writing the number and folding the sheet of paper as many times as you can.

“OK – now who’ll hide this number so I can’t change it?!” (1 kid hides it in her pocket.)

“OK (brat) what’s your number?  731?  I’m going to take that number and let my Indian spirit play with it (whatever.)” Then write 731 on the pad.

“Now the spirit is telling me to turn it around.  Now it’s 137! (Always write the larger number on top 137 under 731).  (Look up and pretend you’re listening to a spirit) “OK, Jehovani.” Now I’ll take away the reversal-curse (whatever) and subtrack 137 from 731. That leaves 594, right? Now Jehovani says turn it around again because it’s Christmas! (whatever) 495!  What’s that, Jehovani? (you’re writing all this on the pad) – add them together?”

“OK – 594 + 495 = 1089!!! Is that your number. NO?”  (Look crestfallen) “Jehovani must have gotten tangled in your brainwaves.  Darn!   (Look confused.) To the hider: “What number did the spirit tell me?” She unwraps the number. “1089!!!!” Huge gasps from the kids. (Obviously 1089 will ALWAYS be the number.)

Obviously, you can only do this trick once in a row.