Archive for December 27th, 2013

Take Out Your Laser Pointers

Friday, December 27th, 2013

Tie-Died

Friday, December 27th, 2013

Manhattan, 1972. Retail shopping CRUSH-week between Christmas and New Years and every New Yorker thought it his Constitutional Right to exchange every doofus clothing item he got for Christmas – or thought he got for Christmas – or got for Christmas around 1965.


I worked in Barneys, the World’s Largest Mens’ store and the cacophony of customer craziness was mind numbing. “Sir!”, “Sir!”, “Sir!”, “Pardon me, Sir!” “Sir!”, “Excuse me. May I get some service here?” “Sir!”,“Sir!”, “Sir!”,”Hey, Sir!” “Sir!”,“Sir!”,“Sir!”.

I think I can speak for the majority of the 1st Floor Sales Team when I say we hated them – hated every goddamn one of them who waved a crumbled Barney’s sales receipt at us. There were thousands of them – pushing, pleading, whining, yelling, DEMANDING!

The 1st Floor Team had a little pool going to see which one of us would S-n-a-p! first. I was the odds-on favorite.  I was already demoted from sweaters to ties for being rude to customers.

Working in the tie department was a nightmare! Barneys advertised that they had 100,000 different ties. I never counted them but I must have folded that many at least once a day. There were racks of ties – tables of ties – walls of ties – cases of ties – ties everywhere.

It was about 9:40 pm – 20-minutes until closing – and the crowd had gone. I was exhausted and not exactly in a chipper Barneys mood. I was just mindlessly folding ties on the counter – minding my own business – when this businessman walks over.

“Uh, Sir,” he says, “I don’t see the tie I want here.” SNN…..

I slowly and painfully looked up. “Mister, we carry over 100,000 ties. I’m sure it’s here somewhere.”

“Nope. I looked.” SNNNA….

“Well, Sir, if you looked and didn’t find it, we must not have it. I’m sorry.” And then I started refolding my pile of ties. “Would you GO AWAY,” I thought, “JUST GO AWAY!”

“Well do you have any more ties in the back?” SNNNAAAAAPPPPPPP!

“The ties in the back? No – those are our really good ties. We save those for ourselves. We don’t even have to pay for them – and they’re great ties – but you can’t buy one. Sorry.”

“Are you being smart with me? I pay your salary, you know!”

“Really? Great. Can I have a raise?”

“I’d like to see your manager. NOW!”

“Oh sure, I’ll get him. He’s in the back with the good ties.”

I walked to the back of the store and kept on walking. The A-train stop was only half a block away. I never even bothered to go back for my paycheck.

Don’t Knock It If You Haven’t Tried It

Friday, December 27th, 2013

READY … AIM …

Friday, December 27th, 2013

Position Desired: JUNKIE

Friday, December 27th, 2013

Another model-junkie friend is going back to prison – again. Violated her probation – peed ‘dirty’ – can’t keep off drugs. Too bad, right? Right. Today she’s hating herself more than ever. She’s devastated that her two-year old son will learn someday that his Mommy is a JUNKIE – from the flapping tongue of a relative or “friend”.

Well, she did it to herself, right? Right – no denying that. And of course she should be punished, right? Of course. But she’s taking down some good people too – anyone’s who’s ever paid a dime in taxes.

Hundreds of thousands of dollars have been spent on this one junkie alone. Courts. jails, prisons, drug rehabs, drug and mental health treatment progams, vocational rehabilitation programs, cops and overtime, counselors, correction officers, court officers, public defenders, parole boards and border patrols all cost taxpayer dollars. And, the most expensive item? The crimes she’s committed against us for her drug money and future ‘entitlement’ programs.

The answer? Legalize heroin and give it to anyone with a doctor’s prescription. A government dose would cost less than 50-cents. Crime and disease would plummet.  Fewer families would be devastated.

Wouldn’t she take too much and kill herself? Not my problem, man.  As it stands today, it IS my problem – and yours too.

But An Hour Later, They’re Back To ‘A’ Again

Friday, December 27th, 2013

The Most Popular Post On This Blog, 2013

(What does that mean?)