Archive for December 23rd, 2013

Celebrating Disappointment

Monday, December 23rd, 2013

Here are some tips to have a sad, disappointing Christmas this year:

• Keep reminding yourself that Christmas isn’t as good as it used to be.

• Compare your reality to those dancing sugarplum fairies on Currier & Ives prints.

• Remember that everyone but you has forgotten “the true meaning of Christmas.”  Continually announce this to every person you meet.

• Worry about if you should say ‘Merry Christmas’ or ‘Happy Holidays’ to people.

• Snivel “I’m just not in the Christmas spirit!” to everyone.

• Instead of writing or creating something really loving and caring for someone, buy things for too much money and get really nostalgic next summer when you’re still paying for the damn crap.

• Try to do everything in the same traditional way and rap your kid on the head if he doesn’t go ga-ga over your grandmother’s recipe for molasses’s cookies.

• DEMAND there be snow on the ground for Christmas Day – it’s your Constitutional right.

• Pressure yourself to make sure that every single one of the 10,000 holiday details is absolutely perfect.

• Measure your worth as an individual  by how well you “do” Christmas.


Missed All Those Asses

Monday, December 23rd, 2013

Worse, They’re Coming Back

Monday, December 23rd, 2013

Did A Star Give You The Clap?

Monday, December 23rd, 2013

What’s this silliness when performers are introduced, get a round of applause, and then start clapping back to the audience? Shouldn’t they just humbly acknowledge the audience tribute and get on with it?

Who started this lunacy and for what reason? If that person is ever discovered, I think he should be given a dose of the clap and be forced to watch modern situation comedies WITHOUT their canned laugh-traks. Clap over these, buddy!

What are entertainers “saying” when they give back the clap?

A. “Well, YES – I am a helluva performer – but your paltry applause hardly does justice to my magnificent talent. Here – I’ll help you by clapping for myself! God, I’m GREAT!” -or-

B. “Oh, stop! YOU are the REAL heroes – the ones who pay out your hard- earned cash for my less-than-worthy talents.” -or-

C. “Applaud me? Nay, I shall applaud you! We’re all equal here. Even though I make 10-kazillion bucks a year – and you have to wait hours in line for free tickets to be a TV prop called ‘audience’, there’s no difference in the eyes of the Lord. I LOVE the little people! God bless you each and every one!”

Every entertainer who gives an audience a clap-back should be given ‘The Clapper’ for Christmas AND NOTHING ELSE. Then they can clap and not look so stupid.

Elizabeth Taylor, Cleopatra

Monday, December 23rd, 2013