Archive for December 21st, 2013

In 2009, I Ended My Affair With Kelly Rippa

Saturday, December 21st, 2013

Kelly Rippa nude (from memory.)

I’m sorry, Pretty, but the guilt is crushing me. I must tell.

ENQUIRER was right. Yes – I’m having an affair with Kelly Rippa. We meet almost every day for an hour at my place, here in Rochester. And when I’m in New York, Kelly books a suite for us at the Waldorf-Astoria (or “Wallass” as we call it – private joke). She only books it for three hours because she’s smart with her money. Of course, in reality, she’d only have to book it for 3-minutes or so – but she tells me it’s the hottest 3-minutes she’s ever felt!

I KNOW it’s wrong – I KNOW! But can the mind say “No.” when the heart says, “Yes, yes YES!”?

I know you’re thinking, amazed readers, she’s not the type of woman with whom you picture me. There’s the age thing, of course (she’s older than most of the women I’ve ever dated) and superficially she seems very superficial but under that naturally, streaked blond hair, resides a shrewd businesswoman’s brain which, along with her obvious talent, looks and personality, has helped Ms. Kelly earn something like $30-million a year. (Beat THAT Brenda Lipshitz!)

Kelly happily chirps on in the morning like a robin in spring – on coke. (Oh, I just heard her tell Regis her Father taught her to drive – with difficulty. She told me the REAL reason: she found it hard to get used to the front seat!)

What’s she like in person? Kelly is just like you see her on TV – funny, smart, quick, supportive of “Rege” (he’s about 105 years old now – Willard Scott gave him a birthday greeting years ago)…..and, yes, astoundingly, goddess-like, BEAUTIFUL. All the magazines rate her one of America’s Top 10 Beautiful and Sexy Women.

Kelly and I always laugh at her incredible “beauty”. Sometimes she waves her feet in the air and yells, “Beautiful? What about THESE?” And it’s true she has the biggest feet in show business – but I love her more for that! It makes her almost human. (We laughingly call her feet – “flippers” – private joke.)

Anyway, it has to be over, Kelly. It’s the right thing NOT to do. And although I don’t want you to call me anymore, you’ll ALWAYS have a place in my heart. Good bye Kelly, my sweet “SCAF”.



Saturday, December 21st, 2013

If your kid isn’t happy with the latest digital/video/laser cabbage patch robot you got him for Christmas, show him this picture. Loudly say, “IF YOU CAN’T APPRECIATE WHAT YOU GOT, JUST BE THANKFUL YOU DIDN’T GET WHAT YOU DESERVE!”

If he still whines, snatch the gift from his hands and go get a refund.  Donate the money to any charity that saves children at about 30¢ per bowl of rice.  About 200,000 children between Christmas and New Year’s Day will drop dead of starvation anyway.

I Hate Floating Head Portraits

Saturday, December 21st, 2013

You Kids Better Not Be Smoking Pot!

Saturday, December 21st, 2013

So What’s Your Point?

Saturday, December 21st, 2013