Archive for December 20th, 2013

Shut The Duck Up!

Friday, December 20th, 2013

Jingle Bells Cyst

Friday, December 20th, 2013

"You''ll just feel a little prick, honey."

My friend Christine, a beautiful dancer, developed an ovarian cyst one Christmas and had to go to the Emergency room.  She said she was  never treated as disrespectfully at any medical facility in her life. Chris believes men “examined”  her who might not even have been doctors! I put new lyrics to a traditional song to commemorate this memorable occasion.

(Sung loudly to the tune of ‘Jingle Bells’)

Got a cyst, got a cyst,
on my ovary.
Now my legs are wide apart,
in Emergency.

Everyone gets to look,
the Doctor let’s them see.
The nurse wants a little nook,
then the lab guy winks at me!

Here comes the lunchroom crew,
plus the guard guy from the door.
They want a better view,
and they start to clap for more.

Oh, got a cyst, got a cyst,
on my ovary.
Now my legs are wide apart,
in Emergency.

A guy feels up my breasts,
looking for lumps to treat.
He wants to run some tests,
but he walked in off the street!

They think that we’re all tarts
Doc’s wearing a big grin.
He’s pointing out my parts,
and Y-News is looking in!

(Chorus) Oh, got a cyst,
got a cyst, on my ovary.
Now my legs are spread apart,
in Emergency.

If you get a goddam cyst,
and the county pays your bills,
don’t think that you’ll be missed,
run like hell for the hills!

It all seems kind of shady;
they don’t really care for you.
They just want a pretty lady –
and her ‘womb with a view’.

(Chorus) Hey! got a cyst, got a cyst, on my ovary.

Now my legs are wide apart in Emergency.

First Recorded Camel-Toe

Friday, December 20th, 2013

We’ve Come A Long Way, Baby

Authentic Goggle Camel Toes here.

Bless Me Father For I Have Sneezed

Friday, December 20th, 2013

“Bless me Father for I have sinned. Uh, maybe we’d better start on the small ones first. I’d kinda like to go in reverse, chronological order here because it’s been awhile since my last confession. Is that OK, Father? Thanks.

I got on the elevator this morning with a big basket of laundry and the bottle of detergent teetering on top. I hate doing laundry so I’m not in a real great mood anyway. The laundry and I are taking an elevator ride down to the ‘machines ‘o wash’ when we stop at one of the nether floors and this doofy guy gets in.

He looks at me, then down at my laundry and soap, then back at me and says, “Gonna do laundry?”

Now Father, I know ‘God works in mysterious ways’ but why he would put GOAT BRAINS in anyone’s head is beyond me. And right away some wise-ass answers popped into my mind. I was tempted (and may I have the confession transcript underline the word ‘tempted’ here? Thanks, Father.) I was tempted to say,

“Nah, the dirty shirts and shorts were getting bored in the closet so I thought I’d take them for a walk in the park.”

But I fought it, Father! I think that should be noted here. What I did was, I tried to copy the nitwit’s dumb smile, nodded my head, and then said, “Heh, heh. Yup – laundry.” He nodded back in profound understanding.

So Father, I know mean, sarcastic thoughts are a sin – a venal sin, I might add. But since I fought them back and rolled around on this guy’s level, I think we could drop it down to a ‘Venal – 3rd-Degree ‘ – is that OK, Father? Maybe even ‘Venal -4th’ with an extra ‘Hail Mary’ on top…. OK, Father?…… Father?”

Chill Before Serving

Friday, December 20th, 2013

Oz Field Sobriety Test

Friday, December 20th, 2013

The Natives Are Just Ducky

Friday, December 20th, 2013

Uganda passed a law yesterday  that punishes “aggravated homosexuality” with life imprisonment. The new law does not have the death penalty which it had when it was first introduced in parliament in 2010.  The natives said homosexuals from the West threatened to destroy Ugandan families and were “recruiting Ugandan children.”

Uganda, one of the poorest countries in the world, is plagued by famine, drought, poverty, disease, and Christian missionaries. Breeding hatred into ignorant people is a specialty of Christians who’ve passed the expertise down to the trainers of uneducated Muslim terrorists.

Experts in Biblical Duck Beastiality.

A rumor floated today that the Ugandan Parliament was sending out feelers to Phil Robertson, star of A&E’s hunting-themed reality show Duck Dynasty.  It reportedly wants him to be President or Chief Witch Doctor.  Robertson, a devout Christian, made statements equating  homosexuality to bestiality in a recent magazine interview. His office would not comment.

Black Africans have always admired white boobs like Robertson.  You can watch a white lady getting naked in front of appreciative natives here.

Roy – God Wants To Talk To You

Friday, December 20th, 2013

Roy Sullivan and his lucky hat with a lightning bolt hole in the middle.

One of the occupational hazards of being a US Forest Ranger is lightning. Sometimes a bolt will strike a tall tree and sometimes (rarely) it will strike a person in the woods.

Roy C. Sullivan was an exception.  Roy was a US Forest Ranger in Shenandoah National Park in Virginia and got struck by lightning – SEVEN TIMES!

The first time was in 1942 when Roy was in a fire lookout tower. LOOK OUT! (Damn!) The 2nd didn’t hit him until 1969 when he was in his truck. The third? The very next year in his front yard. Number four got him in the ranger tower again, 1972.

Bolt #5 with Roy’s name on it found him in his car in 1973 with #6 only a year later when he was at a campground. In 1977, Roy decided to chuck it all and went fishing. You guessed it. The 7th and final Roy C. Sullivan Lightning Bolt hit him with his line in the water. He survived.

Sometime between bolts three and five, Roy Sullivan got religion. I guess the man decided God was trying to tell him something. But first, God had to get his attention.