Archive for December 12th, 2013

Rodman’s Buddy Executes His Uncle

Thursday, December 12th, 2013


Ex basketball star Dennis Rodman became friends with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un and visited him in his country a number of times.

Yesterday  Kim had his own uncle executed. The uncle was supposedly plotting against him but how rude!  With the holidays coming up and all,  Kim could have waited – but noooo.  “Haircut Boy” isn’t nearly as much fun as his father who used to have North Korean, military dance parties.

Turn up your speakers and watch some here.

Making Tiger Wood

Thursday, December 12th, 2013

Lindsey Vonn is widely regarded as the greatest female skier in American history.

Elevator Dolts Push My Buttons

Thursday, December 12th, 2013

Why do elevators turn people into absolute nitwits? These people can drive cars and program cell phones but when it comes to using an elevator, a lot of people turn into buffoons.

Here are a few simple rules for dweebs who seem to think riding an elevator is as complicated as landing a jet.

1.  The buttons are conveniently arranged for YOUR destination not the elevator’s – it knows where it’s going.  Don’t push the down button and then stupidly say, “I want the elevator to come down” as everyone who wants to go up glares at you.

2.  Passengers already on the elevator, get off first  – BEFORE you get on.  Think of it this way: say you want to pour a cup of water into a full glass.  To do that, you must first EMPTY the glass – and THEN pour your water.

3.  SHUT UP!  We don’t want to hear your personal business as you screech into your cell phone with your other index finger stuck halfway up your ear canal.  We also don’t want to hear your GPS coordinates as in, “I’m riding up the elevator now.”

4.  Elevators are programmed – the ‘close door’ or ‘open door’ buttons are usually fakes.  As you pound them and whine, people are laughing at you.

5.  Don’t tell everyone how afraid you are to ride elevators. Because of the weights and pulley system, your chances of smashing through the roof are better than crashing into the basement.

6.  Pushing the up or down button numerous times does NOT make the elevator come faster.  It caught the signal the first time and is now ignoring you.

7.  Those strange noised you hear?  Either the elevator is making the noises it’s supposed to make – or you’re quickly on your way to a crushing death.  Next time, take the stairs.

how-to-hack-and-elevator

Thursday, December 12th, 2013

Position Open: Deaf Interpreter

Thursday, December 12th, 2013

Apply:  South African Government

(NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY)

OK it wasn’t funny (well, maybe just a little) but when the deaf interpreter turned out to be signing bullshit because of a mental illness, it wasn’t the end of the world.  And it’s over.

All of those wonderful tributes and inspirational memories of Nelson Mandela were not ruined by one unfortunate sidelight.  I think of it like a bridesmaid fainting at a wedding.  Momentarily distracting – but the couple still gets married.