Archive for September, 2013

Sorry – He’s A Liar

Tuesday, September 24th, 2013

One day, when Obama was a little kid, he came running into his house and shouted to his mother, “Mama! There’s a tiger in the back yard!”

The horrified woman ran to the window only to see a big, old, neighborhood dog asleep under one of their trees.

“Barry” she yelled, “I told you about lying all of the time! Now you march up those stairs, get on your knees, and tell God you’ve been lying again!” Young Barrack went up and returned a few minutes later.

“Well,” said his mom, “did you talk to God about your lying?”

“Yes,” said young Obama.

“And what did He say?”

“He said don’t worry about it – He thought it was a tiger too.”

Today at the UN, Obama said wars like the one in Syria directly affect America’s security.  That’s a lie.  Where I come from, we call people who tell lies, LIARS.  What do you call them?

Sorry, Ladies – He’s Already Taken

Tuesday, September 24th, 2013

There’s nothing sadder than an accordion player with a beeper.

http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/

God Doesn’t Make Mistakes

Monday, September 23rd, 2013

For Colleen and Jet and Joseph and PLD

Cassidy Lynn Campbell is a beautiful 16-year girl from Marina High School in Huntington Beach, California. Friday night she was crowned Homecoming Queen and did all the things beauty queens are supposed to do like cry, graciously accept her crown, and thank everyone especially her parents. Every fall this scene is repeated on thousands of football fields across the nation but hers was unique – Cassidy was born biologically male.

Like many gay and transgendered high school kids, Cassidy was mocked and bullied for years. That was only a tiny rehearsal for what came after she was named Homecoming Queen.  “Christians” spewed their venom and poison all over the internet denouncing the high schooler in every way possible.  Cassidy said she’d rise above all of that and I’m sure she will.

Ignorant Christians who absolutely know what Jesus said – usually don’t.  They miss the whole point about a Cassidy Cambell.  She wasn’t put on this earth to be judged by a collection of intolerant, narrow-minded, religious wannabees.  She was put here so they could examine their OWN hearts which should be filled with love and acceptance.  In this case, they flunked miserably.

(BTW: Last year I did another post about transgendered people and the comments included a person who actually is t-ed.  The post is titled ‘Canadian Crotch Con’ and  you can read it here. Update: the woman did compete in the show but did not win.)

Wait – We Want Food Too

Monday, September 23rd, 2013

Sex With Jesus

Sunday, September 22nd, 2013

THIS IS NOT SATIRE.

christianswingers.com

I Hope Kids Make Out Tonight

Saturday, September 21st, 2013

WARNING: This post contains graphic descriptions of human sexuality.  It may not be suitable for parents.

Parents don’t like to think about their teenage kids having sex. I understand that. We just get into trouble when they DENY their kids are having it.

“My little Susie doesn’t do THAT!” Right.  I used to know little Susie and she did do that – plus a lot of other stuff.  These kids aren’t getting pregnant and STD’s from the Tooth Fairy.  It’s time we accepted reality and help them make better choices.

People believe we have sex education in schools but what we mostly have are organ recitals.  A clear list of choices (including abstinence, “Sex IS NOT Love” and “How to Tell Your Boyfriend “No”) should be taught early. One of those choices should be outercourse.

Although definitions vary, outercourse is sex play without vaginal, anal, or oral penetration.  Outercourse can include bathing together, hot talk, erotic fantasy, spicy role-plays, sensual massage, mutual masturbation, and dry sex (aka: dry humping or frottage).

Outercourse is simple, convenient, and free and can satisfy both partners.  But the main advantages are there’s virtually no chance for unwanted pregnancies or diseases.

Skeptical?  Think kids will just slide into “home” without rounding first, second, and third base?  I don’t think so.  When the sexually-naive ones learn there are many other exciting, acceptable end options to intercourse, we’ll have fewer problems.

We should convince young girls that their boyfriends don’t have to hit “homers” right away and often just playing the other bases can be enough for a whole season or two or more.

Wanted: Man For Deformed Woman

Friday, September 20th, 2013

My friends at Kind Girls have asked for our help once again. One of their models, Melissa – on the right, has a serious deformity.   She’s missing the top of her big toe on her right foot.  They tell me she never gets dates (in the summer, anyway) and is very lonely.  Melissa’s a very nice girl who likes to sew, cook, and play her accordion.  Dancing?  Not so much.

kindgirls.com

Bustin’ Their Ball

Thursday, September 19th, 2013

Students at Grand Valley State University in Michigan have staged a protest because a giant pendulum art sculpture – similar to the one used by Miley Cyrus in her most recent video – has been removed because of “safety.” The sculpture became a parody by students – some with clothes; some without – who rode it while being videotaped. The videos were put online and went viral.

School officials say an examination of the “structural integrity of the installation showed cable decay.”  This is easily translated into “We really don’t care about squished students – just possible lawsuits.”

The twitter account GVSU Wrecking Ball, @GVSUball, has been a place for students to post their “wrecking ball” experiences and insist it be brought back by spreading the hashtag #reinstalltheball.

The “real” Nude-Miley ball is here. [UNCENSORED]

Mr. Pirate. Where Are Your Buccaneers?

Wednesday, September 18th, 2013

“ARRRGH! THEY'RE ON MY BUCKIN' HEAD!"

Thursday, September 19th is international ‘Talk Like a Pirate Day.”
For the best Pirate phrases, foreign translations, and pick-up lines, click here. (If the link has been taken over by Pirates, just do what they say.)

My Favorite e.e.cummings Poem

Wednesday, September 18th, 2013

maggie and milly and molly and may
went down to the beach(to play one day)

and maggie discovered a shell that sang
so sweetly she couldn’t remember her troubles,and

milly befriended a stranded star
whose rays five languid fingers were;

and molly was chased by a horrible thing
which raced sideways while blowing bubbles:and

may came home with a smooth round stone
as small as a world and as large as alone.

For whatever we lose(like a you or a me)
It’s always ourselves we find in the sea.