Archive for August 10th, 2013

How To Make A Zombie

Saturday, August 10th, 2013

A zombie who's ripped.

It isn’t easy making someone into a zombie.

Fortunately Haiti, the only Central American country which hasn’t yet figured out how to grow drugs, gives us the answer: Voodoo. Unfortunately, you can’t make a zombie if he’s already dead despite what you see in the movies.  However, you must make people BELIEVE the person is dead or the whole thing kind of loses its charm.

Zombies are created using a complex concoction of chemicals and oxygen deprivation which cause brain damage and some other unpleasant side effects.  Witch doctors have somehow discovered you can mix tetrodoxin, and bufo marinus fluid, with datura stramonium into a real strange brew which causes nerve paralysis.

After the intended zombie-to-be drinks a few glasses, you stuff him into a coffin and pronounce him ‘dead’. Later, the funeral party buries him while you throw around a few fish bones and beads and sing the high parts of ‘MacArthur Park’ (“left the cake out in the rain”).

When the mourners finally leave, you dig up the near-dead dolt and see if he can walk without falling.  Remember: he isn’t auditioning for a part in ‘River Dance’ here – just about any stumbling attempt will do. A few can make it, but most can’t because the drugs killed them or they were asphyxiated in their coffins.

Actually, you’re OK either way.  If the guy dies, you rebury him and he’s just where the funeral left him.  However, if you’re able to get him to lurch back into town, people will say you can raise the dead and give you a lifetime position as head witch doctor and 72-virgins.