Archive for June, 2013

You Will Yawn In The Next 60-Seconds

Sunday, June 23rd, 2013

You yawn to get more oxygen into your body or push out carbon dioxide, right? Wrong.  It may be a small part of the reason but actually scientists don’t know what causes yawns.  People do yawn more at bedtime and when they’re listening to boring people but that doesn’t necessarily explain why your brain would need more oxygen.

Studies have shown many paratroopers yawn before their first jump, as do actors before going on stage, and athletes before competing. These aren’t boring situations in peoples’ lives.  Yawns may also induce body stretching for physical exertion.

One of the newest yawning theories is the “hot brain” idea.  Our brain works best in a narrow temperature range and yawning may increases blood flow to move heat away from it in some cases.

Yawns are contagious and they’re “spread” by the people closest to you. Members of your family can get you to yawn most, followed by friends, acquaintances and lastly strangers. When my cat starts yawning, I’m quick to follow but I can’t make her yawn.

What can you do to stop a yawning attack?  A cold compress or ice on your forehead usually does the trick but this is inconvenient in business meetings and kind of breaks the mood when you’re in bed with your lover.

Wallenda’s Opening Act?

Saturday, June 22nd, 2013

At an airshow in Cincinnati, Ohio this afternoon, a stunt plane carrying a wing walker and pilot crashed and exploded into flames killing both instantly. No spectators were hurt.  The Vectren Air Show at Dayton International Airport was postponed and will resume again tomorrow.

Thousands of US troops are now risking their lives in what I believe are unwinnable wars in the Mideast. At least they believe their mission is honorable and patriotic.

As an American I believe thrill seekers have every right to pursue their trade of choice.  And I have every right not to feel all that bad if they aren’t successful at it.

Fresh Out Of The Can

Friday, June 21st, 2013

I know you know why so many sardines are squished into a flat can: the fish are cheaper than the oil used to pack them. You knew that, right? Of course – but what kind of fish are sardines? Are there schools of sardines swimming around the oceans – especially in the Mediterranean next to Sardinia where they got their name?

Well, yes and no. You see, lots of fish can be sardines. There’s really no official species that qualifies – until it gets close to the can. Sardines can be herrings, round herrings, pilchards, sprats and many other kinds of fish. The only defining characteristic of sardines is size -they must be under 4-inches. That’s it.

I hate it when things are defined only by size.

I Don’t Care If He Falls

Thursday, June 20th, 2013

Wallenda walking over Niagara "No Falls."

It’s his choice. On Sunday Nik Wallenda will take a skywalk over a river near the Grand Canyon.  The wire will be higher than the Empire State Building.  It will take him 20- to 30- minutes to go from one side to the other – not counting commercials on ABC.

Let’s be honest here, if there was NO chance the nitwit will take the short way down and paint the rocks, who would watch?  Events like this excite peoples’ primitive blood lust – a drive best left undisturbed.

I don’t want the guy to take a swan dive into eternity but it would bother me less than a fart in a firestorm.

No Shit, Sherlock

Wednesday, June 19th, 2013

The FBI and local Detroit police have now given up the search for Jimmy Hoffa’s body after two days with 30 law enforcement professionals and cadaver dogs.  No cost for the taxpayers is being mentioned but one estimate puts it at over $500,000.

Eating Your Dirty Soup In Public

Wednesday, June 19th, 2013

Dig in!

There’s a new food delicacy in Japan bringing customers closer to the earth: dirt.  “Ne Quittez Pas” – which means ‘Never Leave’ – is an upscale French restaurant in Tokyo that features ground round – in this case, the ground beneath your feet.

World-renown Chef Yoshihiro Narisawa features his signature dish, soup of the soil, along with salad with dirt dressing, dirt risotto with sauteed sea bass, and even dirt ice cream with dirt gratin.  A “taster” plate costs $110.

Narisawa makes his specialty by chopping up burdock root, pan-frying it with dirt, then simmering and straining the resulting mixture.  It’s heated without any additional salt or seasoning.  Supposedly it tastes like potato broth – not chicken.  And it’s really not a new idea.

Geophagy—the technical term for eating dirt—occurred throughout history and around the world without the need for top-end, fancy soil. Most dirt-eaters prefer a certain kind of clay which is often baked and nibbled with a pinch of salt. Although it was common in India and Africa, there were even regions in the southern United States in the 1800’s that used dirt as a food. In America, the idea was probably taken from Africa by slaves.

Not only is dirt edible, it may be good for health reasons.  You can even buy it online:

Jimmy Hoffa: Please Call Your Office

Tuesday, June 18th, 2013

Where the hell did they bury him?
Detroit FBI agents are digging in the dirt today because they’re trying to find the body of Jimmy Hoffa – again. Hoffa was the former Teamster Union president who was murdered on July 30, 1975.

I have no idea why they keep searching despite an old mob guy’s new “hot” cold tip. Since Detroit is one of the country’s top cities for violent crime, taxpayers would probably prefer to have their money spent on fighting crime rather than digging up a 38-year old case.

Most people believe the account of Frank ”the Irishman” Sheeran, one of Hoffa’s friends and top aides.  As Sheeran explains in his book, I Heard You Paint Houses*, the Irishman had to accept the “hit” contract because Hoffa was  threatening to expose Teamster-Mafia ties to take back the union. Also, he only trusted a very few people and would never get into a car with a stranger. The Irishman said it was a “hit or be hit” business suggestion.

Hoffa was shot twice behind the right ear by his “good friend” immediately after he entered a vacant house where he expected to have a “sit down” with a top Mafia leader. His body was rolled up in the carpet on which he was shot, driven a short distance to a mob-connected mortuary, and cremated within minutes of his murder.

The rumors that Hoffa is buried in Giants Stadium or in a freeway are pretty funny. Well orchestrated, professional hits don’t include instructions on how to drive long distances with a body in your trunk – especially if the body is Jimmy Hoffa.

* “Painting houses” is mob slang for shooting someone in the head.  When that occurs,  blood splatters the walls of the room in which the victim is shot.

“Would You Guys Please Speak Up?”

Monday, June 17th, 2013

Did you hear? The G-8 conference started today and it looks like it’s off to a rocky start.

Earlier in the day a report was released saying the US and Britain spied on Russians and other countries at the London G20 Summit in 2009.  Our bugging of intercepted calls and emails were targeted at Russian leaders.  The British spy agency focused on Turkish diplomats.  The report was included in the leaks by National Security Agency contractor Edward Snowden and printed by the Guardian, a London newspaper.

If these world leaders didn’t know they were being bugged and didn’t do it to other countries, they’re too dumb to sit at the table anyway.  For years the US policy has been, “We bug everybody – all of the time.”

Remember When America Had Free Speech?

Sunday, June 16th, 2013

Ah, those were the days. 14-year-old Jared Marcum of Logan County, West Virginia thought we were still living in those times.  But the kid did know his middle-school’s dress code which prohibits “clothing that display profanity, violence, discriminatory messages, or sexually suggestive phrases.”  OK – clear enough.

So Jared went to school in his National Rifle Association t-shirt, which bears the NRA logo, an image of a hunting rifle, and the phrase, “Protect your right.”  A teacher told him to take it off.  He refused and was sent to the principal’s office.  The principal again told him to take it off. Jared cited his Freedom of Speech rights and the exact words of the school’s dress code.

The principal called the police!  (Yikes – over this!?)  The police came and told Jared to take off the shirt.  Again he refused and was trying to explain the dress code when he was arrested.

Next Jason appeared before a judge and was officially charged with obstructing an officer. If he’s found guilty, he faces a $500 fine, up to a year in jail, and a felony on his record.  It should be noted that nowhere in the police report does it mention that Jared made any threats or acted in a violent manner.

When Jason was taken from the school in handcuffs, many students in the cafeteria jumped up and applauded to support him.  A teacher told them to sit down which they immediately did. They’re learning how to be “good Germans.”

Thoughts Medications Can’t Stop

Saturday, June 15th, 2013

The stars don’t  come out at night.  Night is the only time we can see them.

Tattoo artists have to be good spellers.

No number of misdemeanors makes a felony.

I won’t apologize for things I did when I didn’t know any better.

One of the historical reasons for buttons on jacket sleeves was to encourage the use of handkerchiefs and napkins. Euuuu.

There are more bad smells than good ones.

I never like to hear, “Is it supposed to be this color?”

If you’ve ever started a sentence with “Kids today … ” – you’re old.