Archive for December, 2012

Most Admired?

Monday, December 31st, 2012

In the latest Gallup poll, Hillary Clinton was again ranked #1 as “The Most Admired Woman in America.” It was her 11th straight year.  My candidate, Ginger Lynn Allen, didn’t even make the top ten.  Ginger was the top female actress in the adult entertainment industry in the 1980’s.

Ginger couldn’t compete. Hillary has promoted the policies which have killed tens of thousands of innocent civilians (plus over 6,000 of our own troops) in the ratholes of Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya, and Syria.  That would be against Ginger Lynn’s morals.

Ginger & me on a stamp:

Thank You, PhotoShop

Sunday, December 30th, 2012

Good Going, Idiots

Sunday, December 30th, 2012

America is set to take a flying leap off the financial cliff and people are whining already. More taxes, fewer benefits, and large cuts to our military (there is a silver lining in every cloud.)  In addition to Obama (who’s hopeless), the country blames Congressional nitwits who couldn’t agree on a picnic menu much less the direction of a great country.

Who voted for these dolts anyway?

You did, American voter.  The dumb-a-thon in which we now find ourselves is the fruit of your bowels.  For the last 20-years, you’ve re-elected clueless, crooked incumbents an astounding 95% of the time!

“My country tis of thee,
please shit all over me.
I’ll vote for you again.”

Americans are too dumb to see that Republican and Democratic incumbents are pretty much the same and shovel equal amounts of horseshit. We have some of the worst political hacks money can buy.  And, of course, we’re too brainwashed and ball-less to vote for third party candidates who might actually change things.

Congress actually REPRESENTS American voters very well.

The Oldest Joke In The World

Sunday, December 30th, 2012

Have you ever heard, “Oh – that’s the oldest joke in the world”? Recently when I heard it, I wondered what was the oldest joke in the world?  It wasn’t too hard to find and your Uncle Freddy didn’t say it for the first time at that drunken family reunion in the ‘60’s.

Researchers pretty much agree that the first recorded joke came from Suma in what is now southern Iraq around 1900 BC.  And, as Howard Stern could have told you, it was a one-liner about farts.  Ready for the translation?

“Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman who did not fart in her husband’s lap,”

Now you may hold your nose and not think that a knee-slapper, but do you know any jokes that have lasted 4000-years?

Give Me A Break, Wednesday

Friday, December 28th, 2012

She's so cute!

Wednesday the Cat asked if she could invite a few pussies over to play. I thought nothing of it until I heard giggling from the next room – so I opened the door.

Tie Died

Thursday, December 27th, 2012

Manhattan, 1972. Retail shopping CRUSH-week between Christmas and New Years and every New Yorker thought it his Constitutional Right to exchange every doofus clothing item he got for Christmas – or thought he got for Christmas – or got for Christmas around 1965.

I worked in Barneys, the World’s Largest Mens’ store and the cacophony of customer craziness was mind numbing. “Sir!”, “Sir!”, “Sir!”, “Pardon me, Sir!” “Sir!”, “Excuse me. May I get some service here?” “Sir!”,“Sir!”, “Sir!”,”Hey, Sir!” “Sir!”,“Sir!”,“Sir!”.

I think I can speak for the majority of the 1st Floor Sales Team when I say we hated them – hated every goddamn one of them who waved a crumbled Barney’s sales receipt at us. There were thousands of them – pushing, pleading, whining, yelling, DEMANDING!

(The 1st Floor Team had a little pool going to see which one of us would S-n-a-p! first. I was the odds-on favorite.  I was already demoted from sweaters to ties for being rude to customers.)

Working in the tie department was a nightmare! Barneys advertised that they had 100,000 different ties. I never counted them but I must have folded that many at least once a day. There were racks of ties – tables of ties – walls of ties – cases of ties – ties everywhere.

It was about 9:40 pm – 20-minutes until closing – and the crowd had gone. I was exhausted and not exactly in a chipper Barneys mood. I was just mindlessly folding ties on the counter – minding my own business – when this businessman walks over.

“Uh, Sir,” he says, “I don’t see the tie I want here.” SNN…..

I slowly and painfully looked up. “Mister, we carry over 100,000 ties. I’m sure it’s here somewhere.”

“Nope. I looked.” SNNNA….

“Well, Sir, if you looked and didn’t find it, we must not have it. I’m sorry.” And then I started refolding my pile of ties. “Would you GO AWAY,” I thought, “JUST GO AWAY!”

“Well do you have any more ties in the back?” SNNNAAAAAPPPPPPP!

“The ties in the back? No – those are our really good ties. We save those for ourselves. We don’t even have to pay for them – and they’re great ties – but you can’t buy one. Sorry.”

“Are you being smart with me? I pay your salary, you know!”

“Really? Great. Can I have a raise?”

“I’d like to see your manager. NOW!”

“Oh sure, I’ll get him. He’s in the back with the good ties.”

I walked to the back of the store and kept on walking. The A-train stop was only half a block away. I never even bothered to go back for my paycheck.

What If He Was Your Daughter?

Thursday, December 27th, 2012

A friend’s daughter in her early ‘20’s is becoming a man. She changed her name, lived as a man for a year, had extensive counseling, and started hormone treatments.

I’m pretty sure just now your first reaction was negative.  And that’s OK – that’s the way we were brought up in this culture.  But I’m asking you to set aside that initial response for a moment.

What type of person would you like to be in this lifetime?  A person who just believes the bullshit that generations before us believed without questioning and thinking?  Someone who can actually hate other people simply for being who they are?

This is bigger than gays in the military, gay marriages, or bullying in schools.  This is about how you want to live YOUR life and treat all people – not just the ones with whom you feel comfortable.  How proud you could be if you overcame prejudice and were strong enough not to go with the mindless flow.

The next time you see a gay or transgendered person think ‘if she was my child, how would I want the world to treat him?’

“Are You Guys Incompetent!?”

Wednesday, December 26th, 2012

It was a rhetorical question. It’s not a good idea to rile Italian women.  Maria Bartiromo, respected CNBC journalist and managing editor of The Wall Street Journal Report broadcasts live from the floor of the New York Stock Exchange.  A few days ago she was interviewing Senator Ben Cardin (D-Maryland) about the “fiscal cliff” America is facing when she “lost it.” Afterwards a floor-full of stock traders, watching the broadcast from monitors, burst into applause.  Get him, Maria!


“You Got A Problem With My Shoes, Buddy?”

Tuesday, December 25th, 2012

Merry Christmyths

Monday, December 24th, 2012


Nah. Although I’m sure His reps on earth are happy to take gifts that day, no one actually knows when Christ was born – neither the date nor the year. Late December wasn’t even a contender until the 4th Century when holy men hooked it up with the Winter Solstice. The year? Many theologians put it between 4 and 6 – “BC”!


No. Nor you, your kids, nor your spouse. Poison centers are so overwhelmed with frantic calls around Christmas, many have ‘They’re Safe!’ ads on their web sites.


You may have felt you WANTED to kill yourself to escape holiday stress – but few people do. A 35-year study from a research group in Minnesota conclusively determined that there is no correlation between suicides and holidays.

Christmyth #4: THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS.

TRUE. Don’t let anyone tell you anything different.