Archive for November, 2012

Too Drunk To Get Out Of The Car?

Sunday, November 18th, 2012

Checking Out The Chicks

Saturday, November 17th, 2012
Kendra Wilkinson trying to appear shocked.

When I go to the library, I immediately look at the books on display. Sometimes I’ll get lucky and find two or three that interest me right away and I’ll be out in less than 10 minutes.  Yesterday I got lucky. I chose:

• “Mob Daughter” by Karen Gravano, daughter of Sammy “The Bull” Gravano who killed 19-men and then testified against John Gotti for the government.

• “I Remember Nothing” by Nora Ephron, a best-selling author and screenplay writer for hits like ‘When Harry Met Sally.’ and (with embarrassment)

• “Sliding Into Home” by Kendra Wilkinson, once one of Hugh Hefner’s  “triplets.”

The woman who scanned them at the check-out was in her ’50’s and better dressed than most librarians.

“Well this looks interesting,” she said, holding up Kendra’s book. I thought she was being sarcastic.

“I was kind of hoping you didn’t notice that one,” I smiled sheepishly.

“No, really. This girl got her life together when she got married and had a baby.  Have you seen her new show?”  I really hate pop quizzes on pop culture – I always fail.

“Uh, no – I don’t have cable,” I said.  She smiled and said, “Oh, you’re a guy.  You probably liked her old show when she lived with Hugh Hefner.”

“No,” I said, “I didn’t see that one either.”  She didn’t even look at me again as she handed me my books.

I thought of jokingly asking her to wrap Kendra’s book in plain, brown paper but I figured our time together in this universe was already over.

And How Was Your Day?

Friday, November 16th, 2012

Today Retired General David Petraeus looked as sad as a harmonica player with a beeper. He was grilled by Congress for hours about his role in the Benghazi debacle.  It was rough going.  He was then quickly driven home to his wife Holly.

Thanks A Million

Friday, November 16th, 2012

The counter which tracks my blog went over 1,000,000 hits early this morning. I know that’s nothing for Disney – but I’m happy with it.  For 5-years now I’ve tried to entertain readers with my view of the world. I like to make people think and laugh. When I sometimes do both at the same time (rarely) – it’s a perfect post.

I hope you’ll continue to enjoy “Everyone …” – hell, you’re entitled.

Thank you.

Frank Paolo.

Eventually It Adds Up To Some Real Money

Thursday, November 15th, 2012

$1,000,000 Million
$1,000,000,000 Billion
$1,000,000,000,000 Trillion

There’s a lot of talk these days about government spending, borrowing, and the national debt. Who’s going to pay it?  Would you lend our government money?  We do better than that – we give it to them. At least we give them your kids’ and grandkids’ money.

Just because they sound the same doesn’t mean the numbers are even close. Think of it this way: imagine a stack of new $100 bills. A MILLION dollars would be a stack just over 3 feet high. It could fit on your desk.

A BILLION dollars would be a stack about the height of the Empire State Building.

A TRILLION dollars in hundreds? That stack would be over 270-miles tall. Skylab was the first US space station which was launched into a 270 miles altitude orbit on May 14, 1973 as part of the Apollo program.

If a person spent $1-million a minute, it would take…….oh, who the hell cares?

Nobody Watches Ronald Pee

Wednesday, November 14th, 2012

I learned a lot about perception, reality, and life on a beautiful May afternoon in Hudson, New York. It was my first job as an Account Executive for an Upstate New York McDonalds’ advertising agency.  I was 23. One of my duties was to manage Ronald McDonald appearances.

Now here’s a big secret up front. There’s more than one Ronald McDonald; actually, there are many Ronalds.  Regional “Ronalds” looked alike, had various “talents” – like juggling Big  Mac boxes –  and their own unique personalities.

“My” Ronald was an old magician who was cranky and didn’t like kids very much. But for some odd reason, he liked me – and I liked him. And I loved the fact Ronald McDonald appearances were so bizarre, they were like LSD trips without drugs. Ronald was the world’s most famous clown – with a lousy attitude.

On that first appearance, I drove Ronald in full costume to McDonalds with a cigarette dangling from his mouth. When we arrived, he told me to pull up to the side entrance and guard the bathroom.

Seeing my puzzled look, he said, “Look, you go in first, clear everyone out, then go outside and guard the door.  Shit, kids can’t see Ronald taking a leak!”

Soon I saw two junior high punks walking towards me and the bathroom door. The larger delinquent spoke first.

“We gotta use the bathroom.”

“You can’t use the bathroom right now. Ronald McDonald is using it,” I said with a straight face.

The punks looked at each other and burst out laughing. They obviously weren’t there for the appearance.

“Ronald McDonald is really in there pissing?” one sarcastically asked.

“Hey guys,” I said, “I don’t know what he’s doing in there. But you can’t go in until he comes out.” Of course this produced more loud laughter.

Suddenly the men’s room door burst open and there stood “Ronald” immediately taking in the situation.  He put his hands on his hips.

“Oooh Ronald,”one laughed, “why can’t we see you pee?”

And then in a voice cracked by more than 60-years of cigarettes and alcohol, my Ronald growled, “Because, you little bastards, I’ve got a schlong that’s this long (here he put his hands about a foot apart) and it would just scare the shit out of ya!” With that he turned and started clumping towards the McDonald’s entrance in his size 22 clown shoes.

The punks and I stared at each other in silence. After a second or two, I rushed to catch up to the world’s most famous clown.

Names That Work

Tuesday, November 13th, 2012

Paula Broadwell with her new book.

Roy – God Wants To Talk To You

Tuesday, November 13th, 2012

Roy Sullivan and his lucky hat with a lightning bolt hole in the middle.

One of the occupational hazards of being a US Forest Ranger is lightning. Sometimes a bolt will strike a tall tree and sometimes (rarely) it will strike a person in the woods.

Roy C. Sullivan was an exception.  Roy was a US Forest Ranger in Shenandoah National Park in Virginia and got struck by lightning – SEVEN TIMES!

The first time was in 1942 when Roy was in a fire lookout tower. LOOK OUT! (Damn!) The 2nd didn’t hit him until 1969 when he was in his truck. The third? The very next year in his front yard. Number four got him in the ranger tower again, 1972.

Bolt #5 with Roy’s name on it found him in his car in 1973 with #6 only a year later when he was at a campground. In 1977, Roy decided to chuck it all and went fishing. You guessed it. The 7th and final Roy C. Sullivan Lightning Bolt hit him with his line in the water. He survived.

Sometime between bolts three and five, Roy Sullivan got religion. I guess the man decided God was trying to tell him something. But first, God had to get his attention.

The Constitutional Right To Eat Doritos

Monday, November 12th, 2012

The overweight, young mother in front of me at the check-out line had two kids crawling over her cart, running behind her, and getting in my way. Then I saw the conveyor belt filled with her groceries and I wanted to ram the kids less.

I hadn’t seen such a condensed collection of coagulated crap since the last time I went to a  SuperBowl party. There were potato chips, non-diet soft drinks, Dipsy-Doodles, M&M’s, Chocula cereal, potatoes, pizza, cheese-somethings, Jello, macaroni and cheese mix, chicken parts, M&M’s and Doritos.  If there were any fruits and vegetables, they were hiding under the family-size bag of pretzels.

When everything was rung up, I immediately became nosier and, yes – the woman was paying with a food stamps card.  It made me very sad.

Out of all the Federal government programs I would cut, the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program – food stamps – would be among the last. But it’s gotten way out of hand.  I hate for the government to make lifestyle choices for us – but when children are involved, I think it’s necessary to protect them.

The answer is a lot simpler than most solutions to our problems. The registers will now not accept cigarettes nor beer for food stamp payment.  Why not expand the list to include most of the junk I’ve listed above?  Who’s going to be harmed – and who will be helped?

I Told You I DON’T Have PMS!!

Monday, November 12th, 2012

Sushi Bandit