Archive for November, 2012

No, It’s Not ‘O-Taay!’

Sunday, November 25th, 2012


Remember Buckwheat? Whatever happened to the young actor who played the character in “The Little Rascals” and then took a dive into oblivion?

ABC’s respected investigative reporting show, 20/20,  decided to find out. In October, 1990, the show claimed it had tracked down Buckwheat to Tempe, Arizona where, sadly, he worked as a grocery bagger. In the televised interview. ‘Buckwheat’ told his sad tale and many viewers felt sorry for him. Some sent money.

It was a great ‘riches-to-rags’ story except for one thing: the real Buckwheat, William Thomas, died over 10-years before the 20/20 show. His IMPOSTOR, Bill English, pretended to be Buckwheat for over 30-years! Uh, oh.

Within a week, a red-faced ABC admitted its mistake, fired the producer of the piece – and was sued by the child star’s son.

William Thomas wouldn’t have liked any of this. He was a quiet, modest man, who worked for many years in Hollywood as a film lab technician. And he never could understand the nostalgia that was making the ‘Rascals” series famous again.

Nonetheless, in 1980, Mr. Thomas reluctantly accepted an invitation to a ‘Nostalgia TV’ convention. He doubted many people would even remember the show – much less what he considered his minor contribution. He was wrong. Even before his introduction was finished, the audience burst into a spontaneous, loud and long, standing ovation which moved him to tears.

It was Buckwheat’s last shining moment. Just three months later, Mr. William Thomas dropped dead of a heart attack. He was 49.

Beginning Of Chrisharia Law in America?

Saturday, November 24th, 2012

A judge in Oklahoma sentenced a 17-year-old boy to 10-years of church attendance in addition to completing high school and welding school. Tyler Alred was driving drunk on Dec. 4, 2011 when he hit a tree. The crash killed his 16-year old friend and Alred was charged with manslaughter.

Although the sentence might seem reasonable for a kid making a dumb mistake, this ‘Church-as-punishment’ condition has significant, negative implications.  It’s clearly a violation of the Free Exercise Clause in our First Amendment. And Churches can’t be happy to think of themselves as prisons-with-pews or punishment for criminals.  But worst of all, it continues to blur the line between Church and State.

I personally would also consider it “cruel and unusual punishment” – but that’s just me.

What happens if the kid is a Muslim, atheist, or, God forbid (!) a worshipper of Satan?  Does the kid get credit for going to the local cemetery and spraying 666 on the gravestones?  Can he only serve his time in what the judge considers an “acceptable” Church?

Both the Dum and Alred families agreed to the sentence.  Well, of course they did.  No one favors a young kid going to a hard-ass prison to be some lifer’s bitch.  But somewhere between these two options there must be a sentence which delivers justice without sacrificing American Freedom of – and Freedom from – Religion.


Saturday, November 24th, 2012

What’s the first thing a diner waitress says when she sees you?

“Coffee? Right away!”

And you’d better get it ‘right away’, Sugar Lips, because you’ve got a caffeine junkie who is now hurtling through drug withdrawal and trying hard not to snatch up the butter knife and stab the annoying people seated next to him.  Withdrawal symptoms started about 26-hours after your last cup of the legal drug.

As soon as you score your fix, you tear up little packets of white powder plus containers of liquid poison, and quickly mix up the nearly boiling-brew – before pouring it over one of the most sensitive parts of your body. Ouch! It hurts so good – like the needle prick announcement of anticipated joy when a junkie pushes a needle into her vein.  Coffee is America’s Drug of Choice – BY FAR! 50-million caffeine addicts drink an average of 4-cups per day.

I don’t drink coffee but I certainly don’t care what you do.

However, I would care very much if you’re one of those flaming, “respectable” hypocrites who thinks you’re better than the millions of Americans rotting in jail cells because they loved a drug which is different than yours. Your drug is legal and inexpensive. Their drugs are illegal – making them very expensive.

Still, probably we’re all just junkies in the grand scheme of the universe – and it  doesn’t need you to judge what’s right or wrong.

He Doesn’t Look A Day Older Than 2012

Friday, November 23rd, 2012

Pope Benedict has a new book, “Jesus of Nazareth: The Infancy Narratives.” In it he gives us new evidence about Jesus’ age which was computed by ‘Dennis the Small,’ a sixth century monk.  Dennis forgot to carry the one or something and it turns out Christ was actually 6-years older than the Christian Calendar indicates.

So if you’re ever in a game of ‘Christrivia,’ say Jesus was crucified at 39 rather than 33.  In fact, tell that fact to every stranger you see – it’s a real conversation-starter.

“Honey, Which Is The Cover Again?”

Friday, November 23rd, 2012

Trixie didn’t have to cook too often.

Just Say No

Thursday, November 22nd, 2012

Over $1-Trillion dollars and counting.

Colorado and Washington voted to legalize the recreational use of marijuana in the last election. I’m sure those smokers are hoping to buy some less expensive ‘home-grown’ instead of the imported stuff.  Are Latin American leaders happy because the move would probably decrease smuggling and violence – at least to a small degree – at their borders?

Absolutely not!

The leaders of Mexico, Belize, Honduras and Costa Rica whined to the UN in a joint declaration that even a two-state legalization might lessen their governments’ efforts to stop drug-smuggling. In other words, why should they put forth any effort to stop drugs if we’re starting to make them legal?  Hmmm…sounds like extortion to me.

A few things:

1. The efforts of Latin American countries in the Drug War have been almost totally funded by US government dollars.  We’re dumping a lot of money into another no-win war which lines the pockets of a few corrupt politicians and provides jobs to pretend “border guards” and police forces.

2. If pot were totally legal in the US, foreign drug cartels would crumble like the mob’s illegal alcohol trade did after Prohibition.  ‘No more cartels’ would mean no more giant kickbacks to Latin American political leaders and police.

Already the Mexican government is increasing pressure on the Obama administration to strictly enforce U.S. federal law which still forbids recreational pot use.

Better keep sending the money, gringoes.

Thanksgiving Is A Turkey

Wednesday, November 21st, 2012

“And we’ll trade you a drumstick for $1000 in chips at Seneca Casino.”

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving – the Great American Pig-Out. A holiday devoted to unabashed gluttony. Which is kind of funny in America.

Why a nation founded by religious zealots would choose one of the SEVEN DEADLY SINS as a way to celebrate is a little strange. Also, turkeys are a meat entree no one would choose if the menu included steaks, chops, and shrimp. Tradition always demands unthinking, repetitive rituals which prohibit creativity and originality.

So I came up with an idea to make us appear less mindlessly traditional and hypocritical.

For a national holiday, maybe we could change it up a bit featuring a different deadly sin every year. I went through the list of the others – greed, sloth, wrath, lust, envy, and pride – and I have a personal favorite for next year’s star sin: lust.

Lust has kind of a bad reputation in America but that’s why it needs a national holiday.  How would we celebrate it?  The possibilities are endless but I haven’t worked out all the details yet.

Next year on Thanksgiving would you rather be hungry – or horny?  Wait! This is America – let’s celebrate both!

Better A Hard Liar Than A Soft Porn Star

Tuesday, November 20th, 2012

Cortland County District Attorney Mark Suben was outraged! His election opponents accused him of being in pornographic movies in the 1970’s and he adamantly denied it.

Two weeks ago he was re-elected.  On Friday, Suben admitted he lied and denied the story just long enough to win re-election.  He said he used “bad judgement” – not in lying – but in acting in porn films when he was young. The Syracuse, New York media identified him as the actor “Gus Thomas” who performed in at least a dozen pornographic movies.

One of his forgettable on-screen performances was in “The Devil’s Due,” in which he played a satanic cult leader who tricked women into bondage sex. Among his lines: “I am the all-powerful! The spirit of Satan flows through my shaft!” and “You must kiss the cock of Satan!” Pretty strong stuff for a DA.

At one point in the film, the heroine screams at him,””You’re as powerful as your prick. Which is very little.” Ouch.

“The Devil’s Due” was not nominated for an Academy Award.  During his public confession Suben admitted he lied to win re-election and now doesn’t know what to do.

Hey buddy – don’t worry about it. The American voter is used to getting fucked.

"The devil made do it - really."


Our 11th Year In Afghanistan Drones On

Tuesday, November 20th, 2012

This Thanksgiving, Americans don’t have much for which to be thankful in Afghanistan. We know there’s a war going on there with over 70,000 US troops and 2000 killed – but nobody talks about it.  We just went through a year long election campaign and since all the candidates pretty much agreed about “our mission”, it was hardly mentioned at all.

Do Americans know that many of the Afghan people hate us and want us to leave?

Maybe we could start a slick public relations campaign to convince Afghans what good guys we are and how we want to help them.  Of course we’d have to do this by messenger and word-of-mouth since so many don’t know how to read and don’t have electricity anyway.

Oh well, Happy Thanksgiving our turban friends!  We give thanks for all the heroin you send us.

Enough Already!

Monday, November 19th, 2012

In the late 1960’s I marched in ‘Civil Rights’ demonstrations. For one week I even lived with a Black family in the inner city on an exchange program.  I was proud when a national holiday was dedicated to Martin Luther King and contributed to his Washington memorial. I tolerate Kwanzaa about as much as I do the other ethnic heritage holidays like Saint Patrick’s Day and Cinque de Mayo.

But enough’s enough.

Everywhere I turn, I see Black Friday. Black Friday! BLACK FRIDAY!

Many people get the day off from work.  Stores are having huge sales to celebrate.  It’s in the news and on the talk shows.  And now, somehow, this day is even creeping into another holiday, Thanksgiving.  C’mon!

Hey,  Black people: You want another holiday?  Take Columbus Day – Italians don’t care.  Or Arbor Day.  That one’s a little shaky since Earth Day greened all over it.  You can’t have Christmas or Easter because the churches would go out of business.  How about May 27th – Jefferson Davis’ Birthday? That should piss off some people in Mississippi.

But try to grab one that doesn’t crowd another holiday.  Mix it up a bit.  We like to suffer these events one little misery at a time.