Archive for October, 2012

“We Already Have”

Saturday, October 20th, 2012

I used to think the Amish were very strange people. And then two things changed my mind – one is an Amish tradition; the other an Amish tragedy.

Rumspringa is an Amish tradition. When they’re around 16 years old, Amish kids are given a free pass to the outside world. They may smoke, drink, have sex, do drugs – pretty much anything non-Amish kids do. This is encouraged by elders so young people can make a critical decision in life: to be or not to be Amish.

What? Give teens with raging hormones a chance to run free and THEN decide if they want to be just plain Amish? But most Amish families have this kind of faith in their lives and, surprisingly, 4 out of 5 kids return to the fold. Hmmm…..

The second Amish fact kicked me harder still.

On October 16, 2006, Charles Roberts, a mentally-ill milkman from Lancaster County, Pennsylvania, burst into an Amish schoolhouse. He terrorized and tied up 11 young girls and shot each of them before killing himself. Many horrified parents arrived at the school within minutes. In anguish and confusion, they talked among themselves as the dead and dying were carried out of the small schoolhouse. And then a calm seemed to settle on the group.

A pushy TV reporter stuck a microphone into the face of a grieving father who had just been told  his own daughter was one of those murdered.

“Will you ever be able to forgive the killer?” the insensitive hack asked.

The father, who had tears streaming down his face, looked at the reporter, and smiled a gentle smile. His answer?

“We already have.”

Eve Blew It

Friday, October 19th, 2012

Satiric logo of the Catholic Youth Council

Garden of Eden Eve had a serious apple addiction – or she demonstrated a common human trait: tell me I can’t do something and that’s the thing I want to do. Give a kid three, plain boxes and say he can open two – but not the third. Guess which box he immediately wants to open?

Some say this is the basic desire for knowledge. Maybe – but we know innate human drives are always difficult to control and almost impossible to eliminate.  We’ve tried it with sexuality and it’s failed miserably. My belief on America sexuality is well known: “we teach our kids sex is dirty and disgusting and they should save it for someone they love.”

Sexual repression (which has been called “a malady disguised as a remedy,”) has heavy consequences.  Have you ever wondered why our culture leads the Western world in the number of unwanted pregnancies?  Or why sex education and birth control have been kept out of schools for the better part of a century?  I blame ancient religious beliefs which continue to hang over our heads like a foul odor.

To me, this unnatural oppression of all things sexual has resulted in any number of perversions. Examples include alter boy scandals in the Catholic church and troop leader sex crimes in the Boy Scouts.

Sweden and other Scandinavian countries have a more natural acceptance of human sexuality. Their rates of sex crimes, STD’s, and unwanted pregnancies are much lower than ours. They also have fewer religious zealots who believe anything sex-positive is negative.

America’s Schizophrenic Foreign Policy

Thursday, October 18th, 2012

America stumbles around the world blindly looking for a crisis to which we can inconsistently react. Our goals?  Continually changing.  Our strategy? That depends.  Allies? Sometimes our friends and sometimes friends of our enemies.  How will we react next week? That’s based on  who has the biggest mouth in the media this week.

There’s no better example than Libya.

Moammar Gadhafi used to be our good buddy even though he was behind the Lockerbie jet bombing and other anti-US terrorist attacks. But hey – we needed the oil. Finally factions of Libyans started to revolt against his dictatorship.  The groups included anti-US Muslim fanatics plus al-Qaeda militants but they couldn’t do it on their own.

“We’ll help!” cried America under the flimsy guise of NATO bombings. The bombs boomed, Moammar kissed Allah, and rebels set up a shaky government even supporting our US embassy.

Then September 11th rolled around and al-Qaeda celebrated by destroying the embassy and murdering four Americans including our Ambassador.  No wonder government officials can’t decide whether to call it “an act of terrorism” or a “terrorist act.”  The whole thing is so convoluted, they should just call it “crazy” like the rest of our foreign policy.

Libertarians  advocate a simple foreign policy:  defend America only; trade with everyone; war with no one.  Even I can understand this – and see the intelligence in it.  Vote for either Obama or Romney (it doesn’t matter which) and America will continue to get what we’ve got – insanity abroad.

Binder? I Don’t Even Know Her

Thursday, October 18th, 2012

In the last presidential debate, Mitt Romney used the phrase “binders full of women”  in response to a question about equal pay. The votes of women may well decide the outcome of this election and both candidates are trying to get lucky.

I Had An Affair With Kelly Ripa

Wednesday, October 17th, 2012

Kelly Nude (from memory)

Four years ago I had to end my affair with Kelly Ripa.  I miss her still.

I’m sorry, Pretty, but the guilt is crushing me. I must tell.

ENQUIRER was right. Yes – I’m having an affair with Kelly Ripa. We meet almost every day for an hour at my place, here in Rochester. And when I’m in New York, Kelly books a suite for us at the Waldorf-Astoria (or “Wallass” as we call it – private joke). She only books it for three hours because she’s smart with her money. Of course, in reality, she’d only have to book it for 3-minutes or so – but she tells me it’s the hottest 3-minutes she’s ever felt!

I KNOW it’s wrong – I KNOW! But can the mind say “No.” when the heart says, “Yes, yes YES!”?

I know you’re thinking, amazed readers, she’s not the type of woman with whom you picture me. There’s the age thing, of course (she’s older than most of the women I’ve ever dated) and she seems very superficial.  But under that naturally, streaked blond hair resides a shrewd businesswoman’s brain which, along with her obvious talent, looks and personality, has helped Kelly earn about $40-million last year. (Beat THAT Brenda Lipshitz!)

Kelly happily chirps on in the morning like a robin in spring – on coke. (Oh, I just heard her say her Father taught her to drive – with difficulty. She told me the REAL reason: she found it hard to get used to the front seat!)

What’s she like in person? Kelly is just like you see her on TV – funny, smart, quick…..and, yes, astoundingly, goddess-like, BEAUTIFUL. All the magazines rate her one of America’s Top 10 Beautiful and Sexy Women.

Kelly and I always laugh at her incredible “beauty”. Sometimes she waves her feet in the air and yells, “Beautiful? What about THESE?” And it’s true she has the biggest feet in show business – but I love her more for that! It makes her almost human. (We laughingly call her feet – “flippers” – private joke.)

Anyway, it has to be over, Kelly. It’s the right thing NOT to do. And although I don’t want you to call me anymore, you’ll ALWAYS have a place in my heart. Good bye Kelly, my sweet “SCAF”.


Debating Sausage or Pepperoni?

Tuesday, October 16th, 2012

Pizza Hut has created an advertising gimmick that’s hitting America like a pie in the face. It will give a “Free Pizza For Life” award to any audience member who stands up in tonight’s ‘town meeting’ presidential debate and asks, “On your pizza, do you like sausage or pepperoni?”

Debate purists are WAILING! Among the shrieks: “This demeans the democratic process!,” “There shouldn’t be advertising in a presidential debate!” and, my favorite, “This will make the candidates look silly!”

Hold up here, kids, take a breath of reality. Our democratic process has already been so corrupted by corporate and union campaign dollars it couldn’t be worse if our Constitution was tattooed on a hooker’s ass.  In the last MONTH, the Obama and Romney campaigns have taken in approximately $170-million EACH. Don’t you think contributors expect more than a few thousand boxes of coagulated, crispy crusts?

Candidates looking silly? We’ve already seen them shaking hands with Disney characters, stuffing their faces with tacos, perogies, chicken wings, and pizza. They pose with any Hollywood bimbo who’s tossed them a few bucks, ride elephants and camels, and try to dance. They drink beer and even deliver jokes on late night talk shows. If it meant more votes, you’d see their wives in bikinis riding them piggyback.

Sadly, my idea for presidential debates hasn’t been accepted: the candidates wearing wrestling masks of different colors.  At least that way, we could tell them apart.


Monday, October 15th, 2012

Betty Cooper and Veronica Lodge, both rumored to be girlfriends of Archie Andrews, the red-haired, wholesome 87-year old Riverdale High School student, will actually marry each other in Los Angeles next month. Ms. Lodge made the announcement in front of a rack of flannel shirts in a Modesto, California Sears store with the blushing Betty Cooper at her side.

Speaking out of the side of her mouth with a non-filter cigarette on the other side, Ms. Lodge said, “Yah, I figured I’d make an honest woman out of her. I’m sick of the fact the FBA keeps getting more fingerprints than the FBI!”

When asked what ‘FBA’ stood for, the burley Veronica snarled, “Freakin’ Betty’s Ass”. The couple plan to marry on November 15th, the anniversary of  the marriage of the late J. Edgar Hoover and Clyde Tolson, Former Director and Mrs. Director of the FBI.

Archie Andrews appeared shocked at the news. When asked if he ever “got any – on the side?” Mr. Andrews said, “I haven’t gotten any in so long, I didn’t even know they moved it.”

Just Another Man You’re Going To Blame

Sunday, October 14th, 2012

Human test trials for the male birth control pill are now going on in England.

WOMEN – here’s a hypothetical test:  you meet a really hot guy at a cool party. There aren’t any telltale tan lines of a wedding ring on his finger. He’s clean, kind of good-looking, and is neither a hairdresser nor an interior designer. And he’s only spent about three quarters of the time talking about himself.

A bouncing boobed bimbo shakes on by and he never takes his eyes off you. Bingo! You’re slightly drunk – so you invite him back to your apartment “to talk.” When he actually pays for the cab ride and gives the driver a good tip, you think – “should we rush a January wedding….or wait another month?”

As soon as you enter your apartment, passion melts the wallpaper! Clothes fly everywhere and at one point in the melee, you kiss your own forearm! After tumbling into bed, you take out a condom and hurriedly hand it to your new lover.

He smiles and says, “I don’t need that, Baby – I’m on the male birth control pill.”

WOMEN, Do you say …….

A. “Wow! You really DO have a great sense of humor!” or

B. “You HAVE to – I don’t want to get HIV again!” or

C. “Good! I WANT to have more children!” or

D. “Right. How selfish of me to put an unwanted pregnancy before your minute and a half of pleasure!”

Male birth control pills will become viable only when women trust men enough to put down the toilet seat every night.

How To Make A Zombie

Saturday, October 13th, 2012

It isn’t easy making someone into a zombie.

Fortunately Haiti, the only Central American country which has not yet figured out how to grow drugs, gives us the answer: Voodoo. Unfortunately, you can’t make a zombie if he’s already dead despite what you see in the movies.  However, you must make people BELIEVE the person is dead or the whole thing kind of loses its charm.

Zombies are created using a complex concoction of chemicals and oxygen deprivation which cause brain damage and some other unpleasant side effects.  Witch doctors have somehow discovered you can mix tetrodoxin, and bufo marinus fluid, with datura stramonium into a real strange brew which causes nerve paralysis.

After the intended zombie-to-be drinks a few glasses, you stuff him into a coffin and pronounced him ‘dead’. Later, the funeral party buries him while you throw around a few fish bones and beads and sing the high parts of ‘MacArthur Park’ (“left the cake out in the rain”).

When the mourners finally leave, you dig up the near-dead dolt and see if he can walk without falling.  Remember: he isn’t auditioning for a part in ‘River Dance’ here – just about any stumbling attempt will do. A few can make it, but most can’t because the drugs killed them or they were asphyxiated in their coffins.

Actually, you’re OK either way.  If the guy dies, you rebury him and he’s just where the funeral left him.  However, if you’re able to get him to lurch back into town, people will say you can raise the dead and give you a lifetime position as head witch doctor.

Am I a Liberal or a Conservative?

Saturday, October 13th, 2012

I’m sometimes asked if I’m a Liberal or a Conservative. First off, I’m surprised anyone would care at all what I am. Second, these stereotypical labels make little sense today. If anything, I would consider myself a Libertarian and that usually doesn’t even make it into the conversation.  But I thought it might be fun (for me) to put my beliefs into recognized categories.

My Views Which Are Considered Liberal:

• Our military should be used ONLY to defend our country and international waterways. US out of everywhere! No more nation building nor “freedom police of the world.”

• I fully support gay rights including gay marriage.

• A hard separation between church and state.

• Pro-choice but with a heavy push for more sex education and free contraception to avoid unwanted pregnancies.

• Legalize drugs and prohibit any laws on adult, consensual activities (gambling, prostitution, etc.)

My Views Which Are  Considered Conservative:

• I think regulated capitalism is great.

• More domestic oil and gas drilling to make us energy independent.

• No more gun laws because there are already over a billion guns in America and the laws don’t work anyway.

• English as the official language of the United States.

• Less regulation on the “environment” and cut alternative energy funding.

There are many issues which I really don’t understand fully (anything to do with the economy, Obamacare, stimulus ideas, etc.) I believe most of the people I hear on these subjects think they know what they’re talking about but are usually full of shit.

That’s where I stand.  What about you?