Archive for October, 2012

The Guys Will Now Line Up To Measure

Thursday, October 25th, 2012

China has hosted many beauty pageants in the past including  Miss World in 2012. On Friday, pageant officials laid down a new rule:  candidates had to have nipples spaced at least 20 centimeters (7.8 inches) apart.  Say what?

Besides traditional measurements like chest, waist and hips, and the new nipple-distance rule, the contest also demands the space between candidates’ pupils be at least 46-percent of the distance between their eyes and their ears. Better bring a calculator along with your tape measure.

Pageant officials said it determined the new numbers “using the internet.”

The internet EXPLODED with feminist anger when the announcement was made! “How can beauty standards include breast distance? Do they take women as toys?” said Chinese TV personality Yang Lan.

Well of course they take women as toys – they’re in a beauty pageant!

“Sure, I’ll let them measure my nipples,” said one disgusted contestant, “Right after the man drops his trousers and lets me measure his penis.” The chance of that happening would be very small.

A Bimbo With A High IQ

Wednesday, October 24th, 2012

"Is the money on the dresser?"

Although I don’t believe the rumors that Ann Coulter is involved in beastiality, I do think she’s a pretty repulsive woman. After last Monday’s debate she tweeted: “I highly approve of Romney’s decision to be kind and gentle to the retard.”

I have an ex-sister-in-law who’s retarded and I’m very offended by that word. Ann is a well-paid whore who’ll pretty much do anything for money – including calling minorities names.  She’s been doing it for years.  In 2008, I posted the following:

“You don’t have to be Jewish to dislike Ann Coulter but it doesn’t hurt (“Jews just need to be perfected.”). Neither does it hurt if you’re an Arab ( or “Camel Jockey” as she refers to you), Gay (“Faggots”) or Japanese (“Nips”). Even rabid right-wingers get a little twitchy when Ann starts spewing her venom.”

“America has come a long way in respecting minorities. White sheets have been replaced by a peroxided blond with ironed straight hair and cold, Nazi eyes. This educated ditz SHOULD be on TV – turning vowels or pointing out prizes on the ‘Price is Right’. The problem comes when she opens her mouth and spits out her poison. It all sounded better in the original German.”

You can click here to listen to a Jewish woman singing Annie’s phrases in that 2008 post:

Orthopedic Horse Shoes

Wednesday, October 24th, 2012

OK – my family is a little . . . uh, eccentric. My sisters moved to Paris in the early ‘70’s and today they live on a farm outside the city.  As glamorous as this may sound to you, they’re everyday Muslims who are really as plain as the Amish.

Anyway, today, I made my bi-monthly call to my brother and he said Janice called.  She wanted him to send her these special horse shoes – “only made in America” – because one of their horses was getting lame walking on the rough terrain.  The shoes cost $300.00 plus shipping.

Now no one – except a real PETA vegetarian  – loves animals more than I do.  I love them more than people (especially Cats). But as we talked, I looked down at my ripped sneakers ($19 on sale at Walmarts), shook my head, and said, “Naaay.”

If the horse was Secretariat or someone,  I would consider it.  But since the friggin’ horse is just an old, French, farm horse, I would tell it to walk real slowly and soak his hooves in four buckets of warm water at the end of the day

A Fart In A Firestorm

Wednesday, October 24th, 2012

Donald Trump’s “huge” announcement turned out to be a tiny ‘pufft’ in which – surprise! – he was the star. We should have gotten the hint when all the major news networks except FoxNews refused to cover it.  Even Fox picked it up like you’d lift a rotting ham hock – with 1-hand while holding your nose with the other.

“I’ll give $5-million to charity if Obama releases his passport and school records” is as interesting as a dead snail race. Every high school debater knows the trick: keep demanding more and more information until you frustrate your opponent.  Obama isn’t frustrated, he’s laughing and Mitt keeps asking, “Donald who?”

There are some voters who will be influenced by this horseshit:  7 in Alabama and maybe 10 in Mississippi.  Aside from those guys, this “news” is about as big as a pimple on a gnat’s ass – and less interesting.


Trump: “I Was O’s Secret Lover”

Tuesday, October 23rd, 2012

"Barry likes my hair up."

Donald Trump is set to make a “bombshell” announcement tomorrow that “will change the course of this election.” Even though another crackpot just revealed that “Obama sold cocaine in college,” Trump said HIS announcement is even BIGGER and will be “devastating” to the President’s election campaign.

Tomorrow Trump will reveal his homosexual relationship with Barrack Obama.

An unnamed source close to the Donald said the whole Trump staff is terrified of the disclosure. “Michelle is going to kick his ass all over town when she finds  out,” said one, “She’ll kill all of us.”

When told of the anticipated announcement, Richard Peckerwood of the gay rights committee “Who Else Can We Vote For?” groaned, “I think I’m going to be sick. If gender preference was a choice, I’d run back to my high school girlfriend!”

Although shocked by the news, a White House aid stated, “The President should just say, “I never had sex with that nitwit!’  Hell, it worked for Bill Clinton.”

Former Rib Roasts On Roof

Tuesday, October 23rd, 2012

Rachel Held Evans, a Christian feminist, chose a unique way to challenge the status-quo of women among Evangelical Christians. She lived “according to Biblical principles” for one year and then wrote a book about it. Evans wanted to see if  she could still live and work in today’s society applying the Bible’s rules of behavior for women.

For 12-months, Evans submitted to her husband whom she called “Master” (I knew this would get kinky,) made her own clothes and lived in a tent during her menstrual cycle. She always covered her head in public, gave up haircuts, and sometimes had to sit on the roof for penance.

Rachel’s main objective was to create a dialogue about women and their place in the church and society. (OK – it was also to make a lot of money selling  books.) Ms. Evans said she did this “to help women try to figure out what parts of the Bible should be taken literally, which shouldn’t, and how to decide.”

Her husband, a divinity student, said the experience was “difficult.”

Interesting side note: A number of militant fundamentalists picketed bookstores because Evans used the word “vagina.” Hey guys – what do you call it?

Erection Lasting Longer Than 4-Hours?

Tuesday, October 23rd, 2012

Note this optimistic angle.

You’ve got to hand it to the Cialis people. They take a supposed “health risk” – which is just about every guy’s sexual fantasy – and “warn” you about it every chance they get. The medical term for an erection which won’t go down is ‘priapism’ – and a medical dictionary is the closest I’ve ever come to it.

Priapism is supposed to be a serious medical emergency. So after 4-hours, you’re supposed to call your Doctor. I don’t think so! There’s a LONG list of women I would call first – since college….

“Laurie? This is Frank Paolo – right – Frank Paolo from college – remember? Yah, well remember that night after the feminist rally and you told me all men were pigs? And, I said I didn’t want to treat you just like a middle-class slut? Well, I really did, but I couldn’t, ya see..but NOW…uhhh, look, I’m only an hour and a half away from you…ya, I know it’s late but….. Laurie? Hello? Hello?”

“Pammy? Frank Paolo!……. Hello?”

“Elizabeth? Frank Paolo here. Yeh, really. Gosh – I was thinking about the silliest thing. Remember that night in New York and we were just lying there – and you looked down at me and said, “You can’t think of anyone else either, huh?” Well…yeh…that was pretty funny. I….you’re still laughing over that, huh? Yeh, me too. Well would you stop laughing for a minute here because ……”

“Dr. Johnson? Frank Paolo here. I took Cialis a few hours ago and I’m having some problems … ”


Monday, October 22nd, 2012

“Basha the Jungle Girl” was the ultimate carnival hustle. Now you KNOW they can’t turn a girl into a gorilla –  so it wasnt’t a question of IF they were  going to scam you – it was just a question of HOW?

A bunch of us high school kids stood near the tent opening  wondering whether it was worth a buck to see the Basha transformation.

Suddenly there was a loud explosion in the tent and about thirty people ran screaming and laughing out of the conveniently-opened  side flap.  “Go in, go, hurry!” they said, “It’s unbelievable!” We could hardly wait to push our sweaty dollars into the ticket taker’s hands.  The tickets only had two words printed on them, “No Refunds.”

Once inside the hot, pitch black tent with another thirty “customers”, a dim red light started to glow on the small stage. It highlighted a woman who was either highly agitated and pulling out her hair – or giving herself a shampoo. You could barely see a thing so, of course, the crowd pushed closer and closer to get a dollar’s worth of thrill.

The woman quietly moaned as jungle music started to play. Then, BANG! – a loud explosion! – a lot of screams, a bright spotlight in our eyes – and then this goofy, growling guy in a cheap gorilla suit ran right into the crowd!  Everyone started running through the open tent flap, laughing and screaming as we went and telling the people outside “Oh, yes! you HAVE to see this!”

I never had so much fun for a dollar in my life!

"Really? Shazam!" Gomer


Cuba: Grande US Failure

Monday, October 22nd, 2012

Castro checking out rumors of his death last Friday.

I may watch the presidential debate tonight unless I have something better to do – like brush my cats.

It’s always fun to watch the candidates argue about foreign policy waving their points at each other seeing who can be more warlike-macho in their quest for peace.  Warring for peace is like fucking for virginity. Cuba is an outstanding example of our irrational foreign policy.

Fidel Castro was an evil dictator who was worse than either the Taliban or al-Qaeda. 10 US Presidents have vowed to topple him. None has been able to for a simple reason: the Cuban people just don’t want our brand of democracy.  That’s what rankles old cold war, anti-commies the most.

Here are six advantages Cubans would have if they chose to dump their dictatorship and align with the US:

We’d also lift the heavy trade sanctions and tourist bans with which we’ve tried to cripple Cuba’s economy. We’ve been bullying other nations in the world to get our way – why doesn’t it work with Cuba?

Maybe I’ll learn the answer tonight – from my cats.

Twang Aint Fake Orange Juice

Sunday, October 21st, 2012

What’s better than Country & Western song titles?

“I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine”

“Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few”

“Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dogfight ‘Cause I’m Scared She’d Win”

“I’m So Miserable Without You It’s Like You’re Still Here”

“My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him”

“She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger”

“It’s Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day”

“Get Your Tongue Out of My Mouth ‘Cuz I’m Kissing You Goodbye”

“I Went to Bed at 2 With a 10 and Woke up at 10 With a 2”

“Drop Kick Me Jesus Through the Goalposts of Life”