Archive for October 13th, 2012

How To Make A Zombie

Saturday, October 13th, 2012

It isn’t easy making someone into a zombie.

Fortunately Haiti, the only Central American country which has not yet figured out how to grow drugs, gives us the answer: Voodoo. Unfortunately, you can’t make a zombie if he’s already dead despite what you see in the movies.  However, you must make people BELIEVE the person is dead or the whole thing kind of loses its charm.

Zombies are created using a complex concoction of chemicals and oxygen deprivation which cause brain damage and some other unpleasant side effects.  Witch doctors have somehow discovered you can mix tetrodoxin, and bufo marinus fluid, with datura stramonium into a real strange brew which causes nerve paralysis.

After the intended zombie-to-be drinks a few glasses, you stuff him into a coffin and pronounced him ‘dead’. Later, the funeral party buries him while you throw around a few fish bones and beads and sing the high parts of ‘MacArthur Park’ (“left the cake out in the rain”).

When the mourners finally leave, you dig up the near-dead dolt and see if he can walk without falling.  Remember: he isn’t auditioning for a part in ‘River Dance’ here – just about any stumbling attempt will do. A few can make it, but most can’t because the drugs killed them or they were asphyxiated in their coffins.

Actually, you’re OK either way.  If the guy dies, you rebury him and he’s just where the funeral left him.  However, if you’re able to get him to lurch back into town, people will say you can raise the dead and give you a lifetime position as head witch doctor.

Am I a Liberal or a Conservative?

Saturday, October 13th, 2012

I’m sometimes asked if I’m a Liberal or a Conservative. First off, I’m surprised anyone would care at all what I am. Second, these stereotypical labels make little sense today. If anything, I would consider myself a Libertarian and that usually doesn’t even make it into the conversation.  But I thought it might be fun (for me) to put my beliefs into recognized categories.

My Views Which Are Considered Liberal:

• Our military should be used ONLY to defend our country and international waterways. US out of everywhere! No more nation building nor “freedom police of the world.”

• I fully support gay rights including gay marriage.

• A hard separation between church and state.

• Pro-choice but with a heavy push for more sex education and free contraception to avoid unwanted pregnancies.

• Legalize drugs and prohibit any laws on adult, consensual activities (gambling, prostitution, etc.)

My Views Which Are  Considered Conservative:

• I think regulated capitalism is great.

• More domestic oil and gas drilling to make us energy independent.

• No more gun laws because there are already over a billion guns in America and the laws don’t work anyway.

• English as the official language of the United States.

• Less regulation on the “environment” and cut alternative energy funding.

There are many issues which I really don’t understand fully (anything to do with the economy, Obamacare, stimulus ideas, etc.) I believe most of the people I hear on these subjects think they know what they’re talking about but are usually full of shit.

That’s where I stand.  What about you?