Archive for October, 2012

Freak The Kids – Carve Peppers!

Wednesday, October 31st, 2012

Put a little scare back into Halloween! Carved orange pumpkins are so boring, the kids might fall asleep on your porch.  Use your imagination!  Hell, the night is supposed to be at least a little scary, so do some edgy stuff before the little beggars get their treats.

Hook up speakers and blast the little superheros onto your lawn with extremely loud screams and groans.  Make sure the sounds aren’t playing constantly – wait until a new group arrives before hitting ‘play’.  A hooked up microphone can really add to the fun.

Hand out wrapped candy with fake, blood-dripping hands.  Come to the door with guts hanging from your mouth. And smile – don’t make a thing of it.  Talk to people who aren’t there and act very afraid.  Crawl to the door and give out treats lying down.  Carry a shovel and put your spouse on your back – seriously ask the kids to help you bury the body.

Ask them to bow their heads a moment before getting the treats because it was exactly one-year ago that your nephew, Joe Bagadonuts, had his throat slit on this very porch. Make sure there are adequate blood stains all over the stoop.  Come to the door crying and sobbing uncontrollably.

Do you want to REALLY repulse them?  For a treat, give them an apple or carrot.

Killing “Closure”

Tuesday, October 30th, 2012

Donald Moeller

I hate the word “closure.” Besides being a psychobabble cliche, it’s rarely true.  People don’t “get on with their lives” once this make-believe state is achieved.  Simply, people’s lives don’t stop after a horrific event nor do they begin again normally once ‘closure’ is reached.

In terms of capital punishment, family victims who watch the execution of their loved one’s murderer are rarely satisfied. “That was too easy – I wish he suffered like my daughter suffered,” is a common refrain. I’ll bet we hear it again tonight after the execution of Donald Moeller.

Moeller is a disgusting human defect who raped and killed 9-year, Becky O’Connell in 1990. His appeals have run out and he’s scheduled to die tonight in South Dakota. The girl’s parents  have raised $1400-dollars from relatives to drive cross country to watch Moeller’s execution.

“I have waited 22 long years for this,” said Tina Curl, who arrived today in Sioux Falls. “He watched her die and I’m going to watch him die.”

Sadly, she’s going to be disappointed.

Three facts you might like to know:

1. America is the only country in the western, civilized world which still has executions.

2. It’s been proven time and again, capital punishment does not deter crime. And

3. Most Americans feel better about crime if we kill killers even though they know it does no good.

Immaterial Girl

Monday, October 29th, 2012

We're stuck. Better call Madonna.

Celebrity political endorsements are silly. Entertainers and sports stars usually have no great insights into foreign or domestic policies – they’re just famous.  Clint Eastwood talking to an empty chair was a good idea because the chair didn’t talk back.

Madonna wasn’t so lucky. At her concert Saturday night in New Orleans, she said “I don’t care who you vote for as long as you vote for Obama.”

Some of the audience booed and some even walked out. Of course Madonna is a smart woman.  She quickly said “Seriously, I don’t care who you vote for… just don’t take this privilege for granted. Go vote.”

When politicians seek celebrity endorsements, they’re usually looking for two things: major campaign contributions and influence over voters who are too dumb to know that being famous does not equal political savvy.

Celebrities still available for endorsements: Casey Anthony, OJ Simpson, and Jerry Sandusky.


Frankenstorm Favors

Sunday, October 28th, 2012

Even though Hurricane Sandy looks like it’s going to be a disaster,  I know of at least two benefits:

1. Weather people getting pounded outside! Television is a visual medium – it needs pictures or it becomes radio.  So when a heavy storm rolls by, weather feathers go outside to show us how stupid it is to go outside.  They get knocked down, drenched, and blown around.  Delightful!

2. Political analysts have to shut up for a few minutes. We’ve listened to billions and billions of words about this election campaign, is there one more thing these nits can discuss we haven’t heard before?  Yawners!

My idea: make all the political blabbers go outside during the storm to discuss their horseshit.

Lions and Tigers and Bears

Sunday, October 28th, 2012

“Oh My!”

“You’re Ugly Too”

Saturday, October 27th, 2012

I had my annual physical yesterday and my Doctor started by asking, “How do you feel generally?”

“Very good,” I said, “generally – but some mornings I wake up with strange pains.  Like my knee will hurt; or my back might ache.  I try to remember what I did to injure myself but I never can.”

“You’re just getting older.”

I started laughing. It reminded me of the old joke:  A guy gets a physical.  The Doctor says, “You’re too fat.”

“Hey!” says the guy, “I want a second opinion!”

“OK,” says the Doctor, “you’re ugly too.”

I’ll bet I’m older (62) than most of the people who read this blog. I’ll also bet I have more fun and more laughs  than most of you. OK – you all probably beat me in maturity, responsibility, and  intelligence but I’m having a good time!  I had a great time when I was “young” (maybe too good for most of it) but I’m still having a fine time right now.

My new favorite song is “I’m Glad I’m Not Young Anymore” by Maurice Chevalier in “Gigi”

I Hope Kids Make Out Tonight

Saturday, October 27th, 2012

WARNING: This post contains graphic descriptions of human sexuality.  Teenage discretion is advised for parents.

Parents don’t like to think about their teenage kids having sex. I understand that. We just get into trouble when they DENY their kids are having it.

“My little Susie doesn’t do THAT!” Right.  I used to know little Susie and she did do that – plus a lot of other stuff.  These kids aren’t getting pregnant and STD’s from the Tooth Fairy.  It’s time we accepted reality and help them make better choices.

People believe we have sex education in schools but what we mostly have are organ recitals.  A clear list of choices (including abstinence, “Sex IS NOT Love” and “How to Tell Your Boyfriend “No”) should be taught early. One of those choices should be outercourse.

Although definitions vary, outercourse is sex play without vaginal, anal, or oral penetration.  Outercourse can include bathing together, hot talk, erotic fantasy, spicy role-plays, sensual massage, mutual masturbation, and dry sex (aka: dry humping or frottage).

Outercourse is simple, convenient, and free and can satisfy both partners.  But the main advantages are there’s virtually no chance for unwanted pregnancies or diseases.

Skeptical?  Think kids will just slide into “home” without rounding first, second, and third base?  I don’t think so.  When the sexually-naive ones learn there are many other exciting, acceptable end options to intercourse, we’ll have fewer problems.

We should convince young girls that their boyfriends don’t have to hit “homers” right away and often just playing the other bases can be enough for a whole season or two or more.

I Thought It Was Just An Acid Trip

Friday, October 26th, 2012

Rick Polito

My Vasectomy Scars Are Singing

Friday, October 26th, 2012

I rode the bus today and got my favorite seat – 1st row aisle in the balcony. Few people were on the bus so I thought I’d have a relaxing trip.  Wrong.  Sitting up front, a mother was trying to “reason” with her little 3-year old brat.

“Please sit in your seat, honey.”

“NOOOO!” (Really loudly.) “I WANT ELMO!”

Now I don’t know who Elmo is but I’m hoping he’s some pirate who doesn’t speak English, kidnaps bratty kids, and sells them to Arabs.

“C’mon, baby – sit up here with Mommy.”

“NOOOO!”  Then the little monster ran down the aisle, turned around, and ran back before jumping into the seat across from her mom.  Then she screamed.  The mother turned around to look at the other passengers.  At first I thought she was embarrassed.  Then I thought she was probably checking out who would call Child Protective Services if she beat the kid senseless.  Anyway, their fighting went on my whole ride and I started thinking about cats.

Now everyone knows kittens are much smarter than kids.  They go to the bathroom in the litter box as soon as the Mother Cat puts them in and demonstrates – once.  I think that would be a good parental guide: start disciplining your kids as soon as they can crawl into a litter box.  They’ll never be as smart as cats but you could at least give them early lessons in how to behave.

If Only She Could Make Sauce . . .

Friday, October 26th, 2012

This is my Aunt Carmella and her friend Danni wrestling at our last family reunion. Unfortunately Greco-Roman Freestyle Women Wrestling  was banned by the Olympics as a competitive sport in 1069 B.C.