Archive for September, 2012

Bathing Suits Required

Sunday, September 30th, 2012


Why bother?

“Bathing suits for extreme women”:

What Color Will The Debate Ties Be?

Sunday, September 30th, 2012

Another American soldier was killed by one of our Afghan “allies” yesterday bringing the total US war dead to 2000. It was hardly mentioned on this morning’s news shows.

The newsheads were talking instead about Wednesday’s presidential debate. They were micro-analyzing the smallest election detail with charts and graphs and the usual babble.  Besides media analysts – who cares? Probably about the same number who care about our losses in Afghanistan which is hardly anyone. We still have almost 70,000 troops there – and they’re going to be there for a long, long time.

In the debate, neither Tweedledumb nor Tweedledumber will tell you we lost both  wars a long time ago. If you watch the show, remember that as each candidate shovels his shit.

Butt What’s The Chaser?

Saturday, September 29th, 2012

Have you ever had an alcohol enema? I never even HEARD of an alcohol enema until yesterday when I read about a University of Tennessee fraternity which employed the practice – also called “butt chugging’ – as a drinking ritual.

It’s seems the boys insert “rubber tubing into their rectums as a conduit for alcohol greatly heightening its level and speed entering the bloodstream bypassing the liver.” They do this to each other.  Hmmmm.

Police were called when one of the guys was dumped at a hospital with a blood alcohol level over 0.4 percent, five times the legal limit for driving, and pretty close to “Game Over Player 1.”  The 20-year student was “extremely intoxicated and showed signs of physical and possible sexual assault,” the police report says. When they entered the fraternity, police found large amounts of alcohol, tubes, funnels – and frat guys passed out all over the place. Shocked University officials immediately closed the fraternity for an investigation.

I can’t imagine Tennessee is the only college in the country which plays anal drinking games. If I was a parent checking out schools for my kid, I’d make a special stop at the bookstore. If the shelves were stocked with huge collections of plastic tubes and funnels, I’d probably skip to the next college on the list.

A 14-Year Old Mother Kills Her Baby

Friday, September 28th, 2012

A young girl in Florida murdered her full-term, 9-pound baby last week because “she didn’t want to change the relationship with her mother.” She’s now charged with first-degree murder for allegedly choking her newborn baby to death.

How did the situation get this horrible?  I will guarantee there are religious people out there who still believe that sex education in school, easily-accessible birth control, and Plan B without parental permission are worse alternatives than this tragedy. Admittedly it’s an extreme example – just like the cut up babies they show in anti-abortion posters.  But the reality is this unwanted baby was murdered – and that could have been avoided if it was not conceived in the first place.

How smug some people are – morally righteous, religiously superior, and philosophically living in a “what-SHOULD-BE” fantasy land. “She should have waited until she was married,” – “She should have put the baby up for adoption,” “She should have been counseled by her minister or priest,” “This morally degenerative society should become less sex-oriented.”

Interesting intellectual thoughts – but the reality is a baby is dead.  Not a zygote; not a group of microscopic cells but an unplanned, unloved baby.  Every child deserves so much more than what “should be.”

Jimmy Hoffa: Please Call Your Office

Friday, September 28th, 2012

Does this look like Giants Stadium?

Detroit police are going to take soil samples from a Michigan driveway because they’re  still trying to find the body of Jimmy Hoffa.  Hoffa is the former Teamster Union president who was murdered on July 30, 1975. I have no idea why the police keep searching.  They’ve already dug up a Michigan farm and a construction site many miles from from the restaurant parking lot where Hoffa was last seen.

The FBI doesn’t seem interested because they believe the account of Frank ”the Irishman” Sheeran, one of Hoffa’s friends and top aides.  As Sheeran explains in his book, I Heard You Paint Houses*, the Irishman had to accept the “hit” contract because Hoffa was  threatening to expose Teamster-Mafia ties to take back the union. Also, he only trusted a very few people and would never get into a car with a stranger. The Irishman said it was a “hit or be hit” business suggestion.

Hoffa was shot twice behind the right ear by his “good friend” in a vacant house where he expected to have a “sit down” with a top Mafia leader. His body was rolled up in the carpet on which he was shot, driven a short distance to a mob-connected mortuary, and cremated within minutes of his murder.

The rumors that Hoffa is buried in Giants Stadium or in a freeway are pretty funny. Well orchestrated, professional hits don’t include instructions on how to drive long distances with a body in your trunk – especially if the body is Jimmy Hoffa.

* “Painting houses” is mob slang for shooting someone in the head.  When that occurs,  blood splatters the walls of the room in which the victim is shot.

Taste That Beats The Others Warm

Thursday, September 27th, 2012

India is the world’s largest democracy. Indians don’t eat what Westerners eat (beef) – and we don’t drink what some Indians drink: a soft drink made from cow urine. Cows are sacred and honored in India even, apparently, their liquid waste fluids.

This bovine brew is being developed by the Cow Protection Department of the RSS, India’s largest and oldest Hindu nationalist group. (See what happens when unions get out of control?) Hindus have been pushing the health benefits of drinking Bossie’s “other wet drink” for thousands of years.

Om Prakash, the head of CPD, said the drink – called “gau jal,” or “cow water” – in Sanskrit – “won’t smell like urine and will be tasty too. It will not be carbonated and it will be devoid of any toxins.” Right.

Now, I’m no expert on cow piss but I would guess the whole thing is pretty toxic and if you take out the toxins, really – what’s the point? Well, of course, there’s another point – Hindus believe their country is going to hell because of Western cultural influences best symbolized by Coca Cola. And gau jal just might be what the yogi ordered to stem the flow (so to speak).

I think the whole thing is udderly ridiculous – but what a pisser! And if you want to try it?  Urine good company.

Dorothy Parker Says:

Thursday, September 27th, 2012

I like to have a martini, two at the very most. After three I’m under the table, after four I’m under my host.

More Wine In Your Water Bowl?

Thursday, September 27th, 2012

Anyone who knows me knows I like cats better than people. Honesty is big with cats. That’s why I know they burst out laughing when they hear commercials for the convoluted concoctions like you see above.

Looks good, doesn’t it? This one is Wild Salmon Primavera in a Classic Sauce with “garden” Veggies (as opposed, I guess, to those which are grown between the cracks of sidewalks). Ummm.

Advertisements for these “Elegant Medleys” say the selections are “restaurant inspired” – which is good news for those feline connoisseurs currently eating scraps out of restaurant dumpsters.

Unfortunately, few cats will be terribly enthusiastic about the new colors in the Medley menu. You see, cats can’t see many colors; in fact, some experts claim they can’t see ANY colors.

Texture? Cats are far-sighted and extremely sensitive to movement so they can hunt prey. Their extraordinary sense of smell is also a hunting tool. So a clump of stationary mush with different shapes, sizes, and colors – out of a metal can – isn’t much of a feline thrill no matter what fancy adjectives you slap on the label.

You can buy a no-name brand of cat food for about 29-cents a can. These “Fancier Feasts” START at 79-cents!

Why would this product even be made?

What’s born every minute?

America IS A Bully

Wednesday, September 26th, 2012

Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will call America a “bully” during his speech  today before the UN. Old Cold Warriors will shake their fists, jump up and down, and call him all sorts of names.

The problem is … he’s right.

What gives the United States the right to meddle in other sovereign nation’s affairs?  The days of setting up US puppets for inexpensive oil and cheap bananas are over. Haven’t we learned enough from Vietnam, Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya, Egypt, and Syria to know that?

What problems do we have with the Iranian people? Everyone likes to remember the horror of 911 but forget most of the terrorists came from Saudi Arabia, our good buddy in the Mideast. If Israel has problems with Iran building a nuclear weapon, let Israel take care of it. If Japan wants to fight China over some insignificant islands, have at it. Why must the US be involved?

Try to imagine this:  what if we lived in a world with a huge superpower that demanded it could say how we could defend ourselves. What if it said “You’re going to do it OUR way. You can do it the easy way (as we impose economic sanctions trying to starve you into acceptance) or the hard way (by us militarily squashing you like a bug.) Either way, you are going to do it OUR way!”

If this ever happened, I hope every American would do anything he could to hate, terrorize, sabotage, and ultimately defeat this bully.

Why is it any different when America is the bully?

A ‘Bloody Buddy’ Day?

Wednesday, September 26th, 2012

It’s rarely a good idea to tell a woman what to wear. In Iran, Muslim morality police mix with everyday people demanding they dress in accordance to Islamic law. Religious clerics (all men) tell women in public if they’re not dressed “properly.”

Cleric Hojatoleslam Ali Beheshti saw a woman whom he did not think was dressed modestly enough and told her to “cover up.”  She told him to cover his eyes – a heavy insult to a cleric. Beheshti again told the woman to cover up and stop being disrespectful to him.

That’s when she floored him with a surprise punch.

After he was flattened, she proceeded to kick and insult him until she was dragged away by shocked spectators. Beheshti says he was in the hospital for three days but will not press charges.  That’s probably a good idea because if the woman was  in a police lineup wearing a burka, she’d be pretty tough to pick out.