Archive for July, 2012

You’re Going to Marry WHO?

Monday, July 30th, 2012

OK, Mr. Fink or Ms. Hooker, you’ve lived your whole life with mean people mocking your silly name. Really – what could you do? If Mom and Dad were too proud or too dumb to change it before you were born, you went through grade after grade with kids laughing their asses off whenever your name was called – which probably was every day during ‘attendance.’

So you finally got out from under their cloud and started dating. If you were at least semi-intelligent and sober, wouldn’t you RUN from any potential mate who could make your goofy name sound even funnier than it did at roll call? And, despite all of this, some of you stubbornly insisted on HYPHENATING your names even though you must have known you would be rolling laugh riots to everyone you met.

Here are some engagement announcements. If these people even THINK about a hyphenated last name, you’ll know their combined IQ score could be beaten by any can of peas.

Looking Beyond Death

Saturday, July 28th, 2012

I like this mural – it’s one block from my apartment. Because all the residents were arguing about its meaning, I introduced myself to the young, South African artist and asked her what it represented.  She shrugged and said, “Whatever it means to you.  I don’t want to limit imagination.”

HOW COOL!  The painted lady – and the bear/rat mural – are doing what art is supposed to do: blow people out of their everyday shells by demanding they think and feel in a different way.  When I listen to my neighbors arguing and talking with each other about these images, I know the murals are doing exactly what the artists wanted them to do – touch people in some way.

The only bad art is art that can be ignored.

Great Show, Great Britain!

Saturday, July 28th, 2012

Hundreds of my readers are from Great Britain and they should be very proud today. The Opening of the 2012 Olympics in London was spectacular.  It beautifully portrayed England from 10,000 volunteer actors creating the Olympic rings in the “Industrial Revolution,” through its thousand year history of literature and music, to the greatest entrance of all time: the Queen parachuting into the stadium! It was also packed with healthy doses of British wit and charm.

Those of us who were busily speculating on who would light the Olympic flame got a smart kick in the ass.  We  speculated on ONE  person from the PAST like it’s always been.  London rocketed through our limited vision and shot out 7-young “future Olympians” to do the “honours.”

All in all, good show, Brits!

Two Bears Having Oral Sex?

Friday, July 27th, 2012

Rochester, New York has commissioned some internationally-recognized artists to create huge murals to brighten up the city. This one is right across the street from my building.  I’m certainly no art critic but I think it sucks.  Oral sex seems to be the BEST interpretation of it. My neighbors say it looks like two rats fighting and isn’t good for the image of the neighborhood.

The artist says it’s two bears hibernating.  Right. I think he should add a soundtrack.

Lindsay Lohan Is Probably Out

Friday, July 27th, 2012

The internet is crackling over who will light the Olympic flame to begin the 2012 games in London tonight. Traditionally a former Olympian from the host country gets the “honour” but that certainly narrows the field for Britain. At any rate I still think England will surprise the world!

Tradition is big at the Olympics but we’ve had quite enough of it from the Queen’s Silver Jubilee.  Anyway, Royals don’t do this sort of thing so scratch William, Kate, Harry, Charles, and the Queen herself.

Muhammed Ali might have been a good choice but he already began the games in Atlanta in 1996.

Harry Potter?  Blecccch……Boy George?  What would he wear?

Paris Hilton is a champion in her sport but it’s not listed in the Olympics program.  The first Olympians performed their contests naked but that alone won’t qualify anyone.  Kristen Stewart is an up and comer but cheating is definitely frowned upon by the judges.

The Pope would have worldwide television recognition but there’s that pesky Northern Ireland thing.  Same with Nelson Mandela – universal respect but no one wants to piss off South Africa.  And anyone who’s Muslim need not even apply.

My guess?  Sir Roger Bannister,  the first man to run a mile in under four minutes.  Bannister didn’t win an Olympic medal when he ran in 1952 but he was an English athlete who stunned the world and remains a British icon at 83.

Chicken Sandwich With Pesto?

Thursday, July 26th, 2012

Chick-fil-A is a national fast food, chicken sandwich chain whose corporate executives don’t particularly like gay people. Dan Cathy, its President, publicly said he was “guilty as charged” of supporting traditional marriage and denouncing gay marriage.

Of course extreme Liberals wearing snail darter fish hats (the equivalent of extreme right-wing tinfoil hats) blew up! The mayors of Chicago and Boston want to ban Chick-fil-A  restaurants in their cities and gay people have threatened boycotts.

These people are going about their protests in exactly the wrong way.

Instead of boycotting Chick restaurants, they should FILL THEM with gay customers.

Gays should respectfully walk into the restaurants, hand-in-hand if they like, and order lunch or dinner and eat slowly.  If the food is prepared out of customers’ view, I would just order what I could see being made.  These joints should become gay meccas!  Thousands of gay people should flood into Chicks acting as normal, everyday customers – which, of course, they are.

Make Chick Chic!

Obviously gays cannot be denied service if they act properly.  And if they scare away traditional families by just being there, well … that’s not their problem.  Do you think Black people filled southern lunch counters in the fifties because they wanted to eat greasy french fries?

Gay People, — USE YOUR HEADS!

Happy Late Birthday, Barbie!

Wednesday, July 25th, 2012

It was Barbies’s 52nd birthday last week and except for a little paunch and a few more lines, the babe STILL looks good. Of course she never had to shed baby fat, stumble through puberty, pull all-nighters, dribble drugs, have her first plastic period, get her heart stomped on a few times, cure hangovers, nor produce any little Barbies. Sure she got a little freaked marrying and then divorcing Ken – but what did she expect choosing the gayest guy this side of Provincetown? But Barbie’s life wasn’t all Fashion Queen plus three interchangeable wigs!

Women: picture yourself coming into this world with measurements of 39-18-33. If you could walk without toppling, you could have your pick of any guy at school. But imagine his horror the first time in a back seat at a drive-in when he discovers you’re SERIOUSLY not anatomically correct! So what if you got bendable legs in 1965? Who’s going to bend them and what for?

Anyway, Happy Birthday, Barbie, may you have many more.

Where Do The Bright Kids Play?

Tuesday, July 24th, 2012

My friend, the musically gifted drummer for the Margaret Explosion Paul, has added some new signs to his ‘Funky Signs’ website where I often go when I need a chuckle.  You can find it here:

His beautiful wife Peggi is even more musically gifted and plays admirably for the Margaret Explosion. It took me years to connect her name ‘Peggi’ with “Margaret Explosion”  I guess we all know in which group of kids I’ll have to play.


Sally Ride’s Other Side

Tuesday, July 24th, 2012

America's First Woman in Space 1951-2012

Sally Ride was a lesbian who lived in a 27-year, committed, monogamous  relationship with Dr. Tam O’Shaughnessy. You probably don’t have that immediate image of a gay person, right?  When you think of someone who’s gay, you imagine a painted, wild screamer with pink flamingo feathers in his hair and purple butt cheeks, dancing in the San Francisco Gay Pride parade.

But stereotypes are short cuts to ignorance.  They’re like visual clichés – no thought involved.

I have a problem with stereotyping too.  Whenever I see a nun, my blood pressure shoots into a negative abyss.  Slowly, I give her the benefit of the doubt.  Maybe she was just kidnapped as a child and forced into a convent.

I read somewhere about a guy who would HATE for his daughter to use Sally Ride for a role model.  Don’t worry about it, buddy.  First of all, you’d have little to say about it anyway.  More important, Ride was chosen from 8,000 applicants to be a NASA astronaut.  Something tells me any kid of yours wouldn’t even be allowed to load the rocket with Tang.

“The Other Big Story Today . . .”

Monday, July 23rd, 2012

… was the penalties against Penn State football. The first, of course, was the horrible tragedy in Aurora, Colorado.  Then there were Olympic stories and the death of Sally Ride, the first US woman in space.  Coming up: why Tony Robbins “fire walkers” got burned.  I clicked the television off.

Here’s another story America:  (FYI) more than 100 people were killed in bomb and gun attacks in Iraq today.  Yesterday 20 died. It was a coordinated surge of violence between Muslim sects – and the American-trained Iraqi security forces failed miserably.  Muslim Shiites and Sunnis have been at war for over a thousand years.  We were there for 9-years and only lost about 4500-troops. For nothing. Afghanistan casualties are only about half that – and even more pointless.

There are  only about 100 days until our presidential election.  Let’s focus on Romney’s wealth and Obama’s fake Social Security number.  And who will win on “American Idol.”