Archive for January, 2012

There IS Someone for Everyone

Monday, January 23rd, 2012

Remember Paul Karason, the 59-year old man from Oregon who turned Blue? He had a bad case of bad skin (although I now suspect that may have been the least of his worries). For a cure, he started drinking colloidal silver. Where he got this idea is unclear but one suspects it was not recommended by the FDA.

Mr. Karason persistently drank his potion for over 10-years turning a deep shade of blue. I probably would have asked him to stop at a powder blue – but he probably wouldn’t have listened. Also, there wasn’t a Mrs. Karason around because who wants a spouse who’s always blue?

Anyway, I’ve thought of Mr. K. quite often since I saw the story. He continued to drink colloidal silver and I continued to worry about him finding a soulmate – until yesterday.

Yesterday I read about a young woman who wanted to be Orange.  This lady, (let’s call her “O”) read that humans can turn orange if they eat excessive amounts of carotene. So “O” immediately started eating carrots ONLY – for 30-days. And, yes, she DID turn orange!

Now no one (except me) has suggested these two might consider a romantic liaison – but why not!? They certainly have enough in common to color each other’s world. So what’s the problem? Children?

Well I’ve played with a color chart  based on my extensive knowledge of genetics. The skin color with which I came up is kind of a brownish-mauve – not a bad color for kids. Maybe after a few generations, there would be a new mixed breed of people called Mauvottos.

Or, because I thought of the idea, I would be honored if the new offspring were called Paolottos.

They’re Always “Right”

Sunday, January 22nd, 2012

Rochester Conservative Forum

I met a nice group of people the other night; conservatives from the group above. I didn’t see one wild, raving tinfoil-hat wingnut in the bunch.  I’ll bet not one believes Obama uses secret Muslim handshakes when meeting to plan the destruction of America.

Actually the shared traits I did see were an openness to many different views, a great deal of intelligence, and an extensive knowledge of American history.  Although we differed on many issues, people listened politely and then disagreed without being disagreeable.  I was quite impressed.

Their discussion forum is a good place to talk about political matters or just read some interesting views.

Thinking For Dummies

Sunday, January 22nd, 2012

" An ATM fee for my own money?"

Thinking isn’t too hard once you get the hang of it. But most people meander through their mediocre lives seemingly oblivious to the fact that this isn’t a dress rehearsal – this is it. The worst part about thinking is you can think too much and goof up your day.

Like PIN numbers.  Every time I use my ATM card, the machine asks for my pin number.  When I type in the four digits, it shows “XXXX” and then asks “Is this your pin number?”

Well of course XXXX isn’t my pin number but if I press “no” I’ve got to start all over again. And I must keep inserting my card until I answer “Yes”.  In other words, I’ve got to lie to the damn ATM  to get my own money on which I’ll be charged a hefty fee plus an additional fee by my bank because I didn’t use their inconvenient ATM.

Once I walked up to my bank’s ATM and inserted my card.  When it asked for my pin number,  I typed “XXXX”.  The friggin’ machine shot out my card so fast I thought it would hit the ground.

People are as boring with their pin numbers as they are in their lives.  A recent poll showed about 1/3 of all adults use: 1-2-3-4-5, or a-b-c-d-e  or some derivation of those.  I guess they think they can remember those but since they don’t have much else about which to think, they should make a little more effort not to be such dullards.

No Vital Organ Hit

Saturday, January 21st, 2012

Dante Autillo shot a nail into his head and barely noticed. The 32-year old woodworker from Oakland Park Illinois, was in his shop when he accidentally scratched his head with his nail gun and fired the 5 and 1/2” projectile into his skull.

Thinking he cut his scalp,  Dante went into the house where his fiancé Gail Glaenzer cleaned the wound with hydrogen peroxide.  He then went about his business even shoveling snow!  The next day, however, the woodworker felt nauseated so Gail insisted he have the wound checked at an emergency room.

After a quick x-ray, doctors were horrified to see the clear picture of a nail over 5-inches long embedded in the man’s brain.  They immediately made arrangements with a larger hospital to perform emergency surgery. Still, Dante never lost consciousness nor felt any unusual pain.  In fact, on the ambulance ride to the second hospital, he posted the picture above to his Facebook account so his friends could see his “brainchild.”

After a two-hour operation, Dante remains in satisfactory condition.  He wants to make a necklace out of his removed nail.

There are some people who say Dante may not be the smartest guy in the world – but when it comes to brains, I say he nailed it.

Au Revoir, French Troops

Friday, January 20th, 2012

France has now suspended military operations in Afghanistan after an Afghan soldier shot and killed four French soldiers on a “secure” military base.  France has the fourth-largest contingent of allied troops in that country.

This comes at a time when America is also deeply concerned about the increasing number of killings of American troops by Afghan soldiers they fight alongside and train. When France leaves this unwinnable war, will Germany and Great Britain be far behind?

Normally I would say that any foreign country which gives up trying to establish a democratic government in that sinkhole is smarter than those of us who stay.  I believe that today.  However, wasn’t it less than a year ago when France and Britain, our “allies,” played the NATO card asking the US to do the ‘heavy lifting’ in Libya because they needed its oil?

I think we should reconsider George Washington’s farewell address.  Although he did not specifically say, “avoid foreign entanglements,” he did  ask why should America “entangle our peace and prosperity in the toils of European ambition?” Good question.

We’ve achieved our objectives in Afghanistan. It’s time to bring our troops home now.

What 2 Cats Nuzzling Looked Like on LSD

Friday, January 20th, 2012


Pubic Toupees

Thursday, January 19th, 2012

A few centuries ago, prostitutes didn’t have it so good. Unfortunately, the world’s oldest profession was rife with some of the world’s oldest parasites: lice.  To stop the itching and prevent reinfestation,  working women had to shave their nether regions.

This was not necessarily good for business because a lack of pubes also exposed the marks of venereal disease and genital warts (getting excited yet?)

Enter the merkin, a false crop of pubic hair made from animal fur or human hair, trimmed to fit, and glued on.  As sexual hygiene improved and drugs were discovered to treat sexually transmitted- diseases, the demand for merkins dried up.

Today merkins are still around for three main reasons: 1) sexual novelties, 2) penis coverings for transsexuals, and 3) to get around the contracts of some Hollywood actresses which stipulate their genitalia must not be filmed.

A historical footnote: At times, President  Lyndon Baines Johnson seemed to believe he actually was a merkin!  Many of his speeches started, “Mah fellow ‘merkins…..”

How To Make A Zombie

Wednesday, January 18th, 2012

Zombie who works out.

It isn’t easy making someone into a zombie unless you deliver a lot of political speeches or religious sermons. But sometimes you need something a little more direct.

Fortunately Haiti, the only Central American country which has not yet figured out how to grow drugs, gives us the answer: Voodoo.  This scary  magic show has a lot of experience but still kills many more victims than it turns into zombies. Unfortunately, you can’t make a zombie if he’s already dead despite what you see in the movies.  However, you must make people BELIEVE the person is dead or the whole thing kind of loses its charm.

Zombies are created using a complex concoction of chemicals and oxygen deprivation which cause brain damage and some other unpleasant side effects.  Witch doctors have somehow discovered you can mix tetrodoxin, and bufo marinus fluid, with datura stramonium into a real strange brew which causes nerve paralysis.

After the intended zombie-to-be drinks a few glasses, you stuff him into a coffin and pronounced him ‘dead’. Later, the funeral party buries him while you throw a few fish bones and beads around and sing the high parts of ‘MacArthur Park’ (“left the cake out in the rain”).

When the mourners finally leave, you dig up the near-dead dolt and see if he can walk without falling.  Remember: he isn’t auditioning for a part in ‘River Dance’ here – just about any stumbling attempt will do. A few can make it, but most can’t because the drugs killed them or they were asphyxiated in their coffins.

Actually, you’re OK either way.  If the guy dies, you rebury him and he’s just where the funeral left him.  However, if you’re able to get him to lurch back into town, people will say you can raise the dead and give you a lifetime position as head witch doctor.

Paolo’s ‘Taste Hall of Fame’

Tuesday, January 17th, 2012

Baconwrapped Mozzarella Sticks

Today I’d like to nominate a new member to Paolo’s ‘Taste Hall of Fame’: bacon.

For those unfamiliar with this esteemed institution, the “Hall” is a collection of specific tongue-flavors which contain a certain element that makes food taste great.

Salt and butter were among the original inductees into the “Hall” – and you can taste why.  If you took a bowl of cotton balls and dumped massive amounts of butter and salt on them – I’d eat it.  So would just about everyone else.  No one would think to eat escargot without a heavy butter and garlic sauce.  Why would they? Plain mushrooms?  Bleccch…….

And now I believe bacon deserves it’s place in taste history.

Let’s be honest for a minute:  basically bacon is a slab of pig fat with an apologetic little strip of pink meat running down its center so you won’t remember you’re just eating a slab of pig fat.  No one ever orders “A Big Slab of Bacon (‘medium rare, please’) and a baked potato.”

When I was in college I used to love waking up to the smell of bacon and eggs.  It reassured me that once again,  I had passed out in my favorite diner – and no one called the cops.

Get Yours Today?

Tuesday, January 17th, 2012

Spring's coming!

You should have gotten almost a minute more of sunshine today than you did yesterday (even though it might have just warmed the tops of the clouds over you.)  Since the shortest day of the year, December 21st, we’ve gained a few more seconds on our way to the longest day, June 21st.

We started with just a few seconds more around Christmas and we’ll get more until we’re receiving about 4-minutes more daily during June.  It all depends on which latitude line you live.

If you didn’t get your share today, e-mail me at the address below. I’ll see what I can do.

Don’t bother though if you come from Nome, Alaska.  On January 5th, Nome got less than 5-hours of daylight and the temperature plunged to 40-degrees-below zero – BOTH Fahrenheit and Celsius! I have no idea why but 40-degrees below zero is where those two measuring scales cross.  It must be true because I read it.