Archive for December 9th, 2011

Would You Please Take The Stairs?

Friday, December 9th, 2011

Nitwit Express

Why do elevators turn people into absolute nitwits?  These people can drive cars and program cell phones but when it comes to using the elevator, a lot of people turn into buffoons.

Here are a few simple rules for dolts who seem to think riding an elevator is as complicated as landing a jet.

1.  The buttons are conveniently arranged for YOUR destination not the elevator’s – it knows where it’s going.  Don’t push the down button and then stupidly say, “I want the elevator to come down” as everyone who wants to go up glares at you.

2.  Passengers already on the elevator, get off first  – BEFORE you get on.  Think of it this way: say you want to pour a cup of water into a full glass.  To do that, you must first EMPTY the glass – and then pour your water.

3.  SHUT UP!  We don’t want to hear your business as you screech into your cell phone with your other index finger stuck halfway up your ear canal.

4.  Elevators are programmed – the ‘close door’ or ‘open door’ buttons are usually fakes.  As you pound them and whine, people are laughing at you.

5.  Don’t tell everyone how afraid you are to ride elevators. Because of the weights and pulley system, your chances of smashing through the roof are better than crashing into the basement.

6.  Pushing the up or down button numerous times does NOT make the elevator come faster.  It caught the signal the first time and is now ignoring you.

7.  Those strange noised you hear?  Either the elevator is making the noises it’s supposed to make – or you’re quickly on your way to a crushing death.  Next time, take the stairs.

Pull Over Or We’ll Blow Up Your Car

Friday, December 9th, 2011

Washington has a lot of bad ideas but one of the worst is the Pentagon offering free military hardware to every police department in the country.

The “1033 Program” was passed by Congress in 1997 to help law-enforcement fight terrorism and drugs.  This year it gave away over $500-million in military robots, M-16 assault rifles, helicopters, armored vehicles, and grenade launchers.  The requests for next year are up over 400 per cent! Despite a 40-year low in violent crime, police are grabbing for the free toys like hungry pigeons scarfing down a box of sidewalk popcorn.

This idea sucks at so many different levels but let me throw out just one:  training.  At the police academy, do they give courses on launching grenades?  Uh, probably not.

For a burning example of ineptitude plus high-tech war machines, all we have to do is remember Waco, Texas and a crowd of bumbling ATF agents with itchy fingers under pressure from Washington.