Archive for December, 2011

Wait A Minute, Wouldju!?

Saturday, December 31st, 2011

2011 SUCKED!

Saturday, December 31st, 2011

The image above is ugly, arrogant, naive, depressing, and just plain bewildering.  I think it represents 2011 very well.

Babe-magnet Congressman Anthony Weiner (D.NY.) decided to enthrall his female admirers with private pictures and was dumb enough to do it on the internet. New York voters quickly dumped him. We’ll forgive just about anything but blatant stupidity.

2011 is also the first year President Obama started claiming he “ended the war in Iraq.” His wife started a fitness campaign. I think everyone would be much healthier if we dropped about 170-pounds of useless fat – her husband.

The religious world provided some entertainment when Reverend Harold Camping said the world was coming to an end – on three different dates. Then another minister in Florida threatened to burn 200 Korans. The gesture is so meaningless, I actually forgot if he burned them or not.

The Wacko from Waco, David Koresh, finally stopped smoking.

Some Royals said their vows, Tiger Woods got divorced, and Kim Kardashian got married for 72-days.  Sinead O’Connor’s marriage lasted only three – it was her fourth and she’s still balled.  Lindsay bared most of it for Playboy and made a court date with her nails painted “F-u-c-k Y-o-u.”  When it comes to intelligence the woman has a nice set.

The less said about the Republican Presidential sideshow the better.  Fortunately we no longer have to listen to Cain, Palin, and maybe – if we’re lucky – the Donald.

2011 also served up extra helpings of earthquakes, floods, food scares, and Arabs springing to ‘who knows where?’  The only good news coming out of the Mideast was whacking Osama Bin Laden – but even that was marred when we found him protected by our “ally” Pakistan.

World-movers Steve Jobs and Kim Jong II died this year.  Jobs had the better haircut and is sadly missed.  Kim won’t be missed but left North Korea to his son along with the address of his barber.

There was so much more BUT I’m trying to forget 2011.  I’m looking forward to 2012 because it HAS to be better!

It Stinks When You Can’t Stop Blubbering

Friday, December 30th, 2011

In 1970, the Oregon Highway Department had a whale of a problem on its hands: an 8-ton, dead gray whale washed up on the beach and they didn’t know what to do with it. When it started to smell, they decided the best way to dispose of the carcass was to blow it up so sea gulls and land crabs could carry off the pieces.

But how much dynamite would it take to blow up a dead whale and where would they place the explosives for maximum effect?  The following clip shows how the guys solved the problem and it isn’t pretty.

NASCAR Champ Is A Boob

Friday, December 30th, 2011

Thanks for the mammaries.

NASCAR superstar Kasey Kahne got himself caught in a wringer last week. He saw a woman’s breast NOT doing what God intended it to do: titillate him.  Instead, much to his disgust, it was breast-feeding a baby.  Kahne was at a supermarket and he thought he was hallucinating!

To his 100,000 followers he tweeted:

“One boob put away; one boob hanging! Nasty!  “I don’t feel like shopping or eating anymore,” he continued.

When he started getting feminine flak and titters for being a dolt, the twit tried to erase his tweet. Too late.  Said one feminist blogger, “If NASCAR is a family sport, one must assume some of his fans were breast-fed.”

Kahne helped the world learn something.  Boobs can do many things – in addition to being photographed next to his flushed face in the winners’ circle, they can nurse children and, at least in one case, drive race cars.

Attack Ron Paul At Your Own Risk

Thursday, December 29th, 2011

In Iowa, Republican candidates for President are eating their own kids. Besides attacking each other, they’re ganging up on Ron Paul because he’s the front runner.  They’ve called him zany, not a “decent” American, “to the left of Obama on the wars,” and racist.  Hell, I’m surprised one of them hasn’t accused him of kidnapping the Lindbergh baby!

Dr. Paul is much more mature than I am – but if I were he, I’d probably say this:

“OK, listen up suckers.  You’d better start focusing on President Obama’s failed policies and present your own creative solutions – or it’s going to get real grim around here.

If I don’t get the nomination, I may well just start my own third party and it won’t be a Donald Trump joke.  Ross Perot got about 20% of the vote in 1992 when things in this country were a lot better.

I might win and I might not. But today people are angry enough to give a third party 30- maybe 35% of the votes that might have gone to you.  Obama may win anyway – but you’ve got NO CHANCE if I walk with tens of millions of voters.”

And here’s a political reality Republicans forget:  No one cares about gay marriage, abortion rights, nor even the wars – when he’s standing in an unemployment line waiting for a bank to foreclose on his house.

Jesus Must Be So Proud

Thursday, December 29th, 2011

“Move over, goddamnit!”

One of Christianity’s holiest churches, built over the birthplace of Jesus Christ in Bethlehem, became the scene of an ugly fight yesterday between brawling, broom-wielding monks.

It happens almost every year.

The ancient Church of the Nativity is cleaned annually by three Christian denominations — Catholics, Armenians and Greek Orthodox.  Each group tidies up a section of the church and the brawling erupts when a monk from one faith starts sweeping outside of his assigned area.  Palestinian security forces – anticipating the melee – rushed in to break it up.

My favorite Biblical passage quotes Jesus as saying “Take the plank out of thine own eye.” Maybe he meant ‘broom.’

If She Was Airbrushed Well . . .

Thursday, December 29th, 2011

Hay, there!

. . . you wouldn’t see the bruise on her left hip.

Flunking the “Virginity Test”

Wednesday, December 28th, 2011

An Egyptian court on Tuesday ruled the country’s military rulers could no longer use “virginity tests” on detained female protesters.

Although the tests are bizarre by most Western standards, conservative Islamic groups believe that “non-virgins” before marriage are pretty much whores and prostitutes.  “Proof” that a woman is not a virgin would be very embarrassing to her family.  Military leaders have used the tests to suppress protests against their regime.

The medical procedures were invasively conducted by Army men claiming to be doctors.  Right.  They ignited worldwide condemnation by womens rights groups and Amnesty International.

Of course it is medically impossible to prove a woman is a virgin – whether her hymen is intact or not.  A ruptured hymen does not mean a woman has had intercourse.  Neither does an intact membrane prove she has not.

It seems democracy in Egypt is coming in very small steps – and will not come at all if fundamentalist Muslims get their way.


Wednesday, December 28th, 2011

Cheetah and costars in “Tarzan Of the Apes”

Cheetah, the chimpanzee who starred in the Tarzan movies in the 1930’s, died of kidney failure this week.  He was 80.

In his later years, Cheetah retired to the Suncoast Primate Sanctuary in Palm Harbor, Florida where he enjoyed watching sports on television, and listening to music.  He also loved to laugh and make people laugh too.

Actress Mia Farrow, whose mother, Maureen O’Sullivan, starred as Jane in the Tarzan films, wrote, “My mom invariably referred to Cheetah as ‘that bastard.’” Jealous bitch.

Making a Lasting Impression

Tuesday, December 27th, 2011

Of course, it looks good on YOU!

3-D is the newest trend in the world of tattoos. Why anyone would want a disgusting tarantula on his back is beyond me.  In the summer, this person will probably get a lot of shock and laughs from his friends.  When he’s a grandfather, many times he’ll be forced to say, “Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.”

Better than the real things.