Archive for October, 2011

Masturbation Foreplay

Wednesday, October 26th, 2011

Ever Whine About a Bad Hair Day?

Tuesday, October 25th, 2011

I’ve been reading about Joseph Merrick, the “Elephant Man” who was born in the late 1800’s in England.  As he grew, Merrick became even more horribly deformed and was exhibited as a freak by numerous “managers”.

At 24, he was abandoned in London with neither money nor a friend.  Fortunately, he was rescued by a Doctor who had studied him in medical school.  The “Elephant Man” was then sympathetically given a place to live in London Hospital where he was visited by numerous guests including the Princess of Wales.

What astounded everyone was Merrick’s personality.  He was loving, kind, very appreciative, never spoke negatively of anyone, and was extremely literate.  He wrote:

“Tis true my form is something odd,
But blaming me is blaming God;
Could I create myself anew
I would not fail in pleasing you.”

Although Merrick was supposed to sleep sitting up because of the enormous weight of his head, one night he chose to lie down “like normal people.” That night, Merrick’s airway became constricted and he died peacefully in his sleep.  Mr. Joseph Merrick was 27.

Who’ll Clean Up Your Last Mess?

Tuesday, October 25th, 2011

There are almost twice the number of suicides than murders in the US.  And people just don’t go quietly into that good night.  Guns – by far (!) – issue the largest number of one-way, nonstop tickets to never- ever land.

The problem is:  who’s going to sparkle and shine up a person’s last grand gesture of painting the walls, spraying the furniture, and splattering the rug?  After the body is taken away and the authorities lock up the place, who’s going to start cleaning this interior design of gore-decor topped with yellow, crime-scene tape?  Obviously, the person responsible is not going to be of much help.

Fortunately there are people who make their living doing this sort of thing and can eat their lunch while on the job.  The link below will take you to the most famous company in the field and which may have a franchise open near you.

“Uhh. . . Kid?”

Tuesday, October 25th, 2011

Sadly, I Thought I Was Cool

Monday, October 24th, 2011
Warning: Not ‘Bout Milkshakes

“My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like, it’s better than yours
Damn right it’s better than yours
I could teach you
But I have to charge.”

I heard this song and thought it was pretty cool so I looked it up on You Tube.  I guessed it was about hooking but I couldn’t figure out the “milkshake” reference.

A young friend of mine kind of rolled her eyes and explained that guys have a “milkish” fluid that women can “shake” out of them.  Oh.  Hot Kelis would teach other women what makes her so hot – but she’d have to charge them (probably because she’d lose customers). Actually, I only thought it was about shaking her boobs. But what do I know?

The Coolest Show In Town

Sunday, October 23rd, 2011

Muammar Gaddafi’s blood-streaked body was on display in a commercial freezer at a shopping centre on Friday as Libyan authorities argued about what to do with his remains.

Libyans crowded into long lines to get a chance to view the body, which was laid out on the floor of an emptied-out vegetable and onions freezer at a local shopping centre.

Men, women and children filed in to take their picture with the body. The site’s guards had even organised separate visiting hours for families and single men.


Sunday, October 23rd, 2011


The Rapture Is Up

Sunday, October 23rd, 2011

"Ah, shit! Missed it again."

Bullshit Translation

Friday, October 21st, 2011

Obama’s statement: “As promised, the rest of our troops in Iraq will come home by the end of the year.  After nearly 9-years, America’s war in Iraq will be over.”

Translation: “The Iraqi Parliament would not grant US troops immunity – and wants us out. So I’m forced to live up to Bush’s 2008 agreement removing all of our troops by the end of this year.”

Reality: “We will quietly have troops “in the region” to train Iraqi security forces and to keep Iran from acting up. The Iraq War has been a dismal failure. Afghanistan looks even worse.”

Lesson #1: Lie Like Hell

Friday, October 21st, 2011

Qaddafi captured - wounded but alive.

The CIA and State Department have been helping set up the transitional government in Libya.  The Libyans are getting it down pretty well.

Mahmoud Jibril, the new prime minister, said the rebels put the wounded, nonresisting Qaddafi into an ambulance and started driving to a hospital. Unfortunately the ambulance was caught  in the middle of a “cross fire” between the rebels and Qaddafi forces.  A bullet tore through the ambulance and killed the former dictator.  No other injuries were reported.

Talk about a magic bullet!

The truth is when the wounded Q was captured, he was dragged through the streets, beaten and then shot in the stomach and head by the rebels.  It was all recorded in graphic detail on camera phones.  So was Hilly’s reaction.  When an aid showed her the news on an I-Pad, she broke into a huge smile, giggled, and said,

“Wow!  We saw. We came. And we killed him!”