Archive for September, 2011

Relationships On Ice

Saturday, September 24th, 2011

Lovers never fight about what they’re fighting about.  Once you get that lesson down, you move up the food chain of  PIR’s – People in Relationships.  I learned the lesson many years ago when I first lived with a woman, “M” (a pseudo-letter).

I love drinks with lots of ice. M loved soft drinks with ice.  Together, we went through a lot of ice cubes – there just never seemed to be enough.  So as any giggling young lovers would do to avoid a confrontation, we bought more ice cube trays. And then MORE ice cube trays.  After a few months, we couldn’t even fit most of our frozen food in the damn freezer because of our extended family of ice cube trays.

As naive as we were, even we knew the problem wasn’t “not enough ice cube trays”.  The problem was neither of us was willing to refill them.  So we decided on an adult “solution” – “if you use the last cube, refill the tray”.  The result became blindingly obvious: 24 empty trays, each containing its “last” ice cube.  We continued to fight about it for months.

Years later I finally figured out what the “ice cube war” was all about.  It wasn’t about ice, it was about power – “Who’s in Charge Here?”  And that’s usually the “real” fight in a relationship over EVERYTHING – “Who’s in Charge Here?”  Of course by that time, “M” was long gone – in a relationship with another man.  I asked her if he filled ice cube trays well.  She wouldn’t answer.

Sue Stupid

Saturday, September 24th, 2011

From my “Oh Just Shut Up!” Department:

It seems heat coming from your laptop computer can cause a rare skin condition called Erythema ab igne.  Some people say it can potentially turn into skin cancer years down the line.  Some people say just about anything.  So far about a dozen people have been diagnosed with this strange malady.

To catch it (so you can sue Bill Gates) here’s what you must do:

• Take off your pants (this only works on bare skin).

• Set your laptop on your thigh.

• Keep it running there for 12-or more hours a day.

• Repeat for 3 or 4 years.

When you see a slight, mottled dark area with small white blotches in it, you MAY have succeeded in burning yourself.  I say “may” because chances are this “condition” will go away in a few months.  Then you have to start all over again.

Sadly, this does not seem like a serious cancer causing condition.  Maybe you can tape your cell phone to your head to cause brain cancer.

Prepared for Satellite Crash

Friday, September 23rd, 2011

"Where do I kneel?"

“Spare Change For The Deranged?”

Friday, September 23rd, 2011


That’s the phrase my friend Joe used when panhandling in San Francisco circa late ‘60’s.  You can still read his wise words commenting on most of my posts.

My bum is not nearly as eloquent.  I know I really shouldn’t call him a bum but he isn’t a homeless man either.  He lives in the Sticky Squalor Hotel a few blocks from here right across from the liquor store.  Let’s just say he’s been down on his luck – for 60 or 70 years.

Anyway, I used to give my bum a dollar,  3 or 4 times a week for over a year.  He didn’t even have to ask for it!  I’d just hand him the bill and he didn’t have to make up some horseshit story about his cousin dying and he couldn’t afford bus fare to the funeral, etc.  Actually, that was about his best story and the rest were very boring and I really didn’t want to hear them. So I’d just hand him the dollar and saved my ears a minute of crap as I kept  walking.

At the beginning of the summer, he stopped saying ‘thank you’ and just held out his hand.  After a few times I started to get annoyed.  Hell, I know I’m a sucker but it didn’t cost the guy anything to acknowledge me!  After another time or two of this, I told him I was now officially broke and I could only give him a dollar on Fridays.  From now on, I said, “Fridays are pay days – only Fridays!”  I just now paid him when I came into my building.

Nice Meeting You!

Thursday, September 22nd, 2011


Countless people turned out last night at the Little Theater Cafe to listen to the ultra-cool sounds of the Margaret Explosion.  Most probably came for the band’s reputation but my people got in free for just saying “Franco sent me.”  I appreciate the number of people who came up to me and said how much they enjoyed this blog and the band. I’m sorry I couldn’t talk more with each of you.

Anyway, Margaret Explosion plays every Wednesday night at the Little Cafe starting at 7:30. Use my name and you’ll always get in without a cover charge.

margaretexplosion.com

They’re Here!

Wednesday, September 21st, 2011

Met-Art is still one of the most elegant soft-core sites on the net.  Even when they lie down naked in the woods, the women don’t get dirty.  Check them out.

 

Screen Queen

Tuesday, September 20th, 2011

OK, I admit it – I used to be a dull screen guy.  I used to have a computer desktop that was solid, slate gray.  It was up for over a year – I never even thought about it!  But I finally realized the comfortable, mediocre rut in which I was crawling.  My life CHANGED when I put up one of my own new pictures, Hallejuhla!

Look at your computer screen right now.  What is it?  A picture of your kids?  Nice (BORING!).  Flowers?  Pretty (Pretty BORING!)  Wild animals?  (Wildly BORING!)  Wild animals eating your kids in the flowers?  Hmmmm.  You’ve got potential!

Crawl out of your dull, mediocre morass right now and change the damn screen!  Put up something that would be embarrassing if your Mother saw it.

See You Live Tomorrow Night

Tuesday, September 20th, 2011


The Margaret Explosion’s Fall season has just started at the Little Theater Cafe on East Avenue every Wednesday night at 7:30.

Margaret Explosion is a group that’s been called “one of the most exciting bands in Rochester” by a music critic for our largest newspaper. At the door, say “Franco sent me” and there won’t be a cover charge – really!

Here’s a picture of the Little that you can see – and a link to some mellow ME sound you can hear:

margaretexplosion.com

You Get Back Here! NOW!

Monday, September 19th, 2011

Thou Shall Not Kill

Monday, September 19th, 2011

"God forgot to mention these exemptions."

EXEMPTIONS:

Section I – WARS ALLOWED (If the US is the good guy.)
Paragraph    1 – In Asia
Paragraph    2 – In the Mideast – Special double exemptions (a) Israel (b) Iraq (c) Afghanistan (d) Libya (e) Pakistan (f) any other country, municipality, or principality – especially wherever Muslims or Buddists rule (any neighboring countries or waters included).
Paragraph 3 – Anywhere else we decide it’s in our best interests.
Paragraph 3 – subsection (A) Wherever NATO decides we should go to war.
Paragraph 3 – subsection (B) Wherever the UN decides we should go to war.

Section II – EXECUTIONS ALLOWED
Paragraph 1 – In Texas.
Paragraph 2 – In the rest of the country.

Section III – DENYING LIFE-SAVING MEDICAL CARE ALLOWED
Paragraph 1 – If they’re poor.
Paragraph 2 – If they’re of color.
Paragraph 3 – If they live in rural sections of the country.