Archive for September 24th, 2011

Relationships On Ice

Saturday, September 24th, 2011

Lovers never fight about what they’re fighting about.  Once you get that lesson down, you move up the food chain of  PIR’s – People in Relationships.  I learned the lesson many years ago when I first lived with a woman, “M” (a pseudo-letter).

I love drinks with lots of ice. M loved soft drinks with ice.  Together, we went through a lot of ice cubes – there just never seemed to be enough.  So as any giggling young lovers would do to avoid a confrontation, we bought more ice cube trays. And then MORE ice cube trays.  After a few months, we couldn’t even fit most of our frozen food in the damn freezer because of our extended family of ice cube trays.

As naive as we were, even we knew the problem wasn’t “not enough ice cube trays”.  The problem was neither of us was willing to refill them.  So we decided on an adult “solution” – “if you use the last cube, refill the tray”.  The result became blindingly obvious: 24 empty trays, each containing its “last” ice cube.  We continued to fight about it for months.

Years later I finally figured out what the “ice cube war” was all about.  It wasn’t about ice, it was about power – “Who’s in Charge Here?”  And that’s usually the “real” fight in a relationship over EVERYTHING – “Who’s in Charge Here?”  Of course by that time, “M” was long gone – in a relationship with another man.  I asked her if he filled ice cube trays well.  She wouldn’t answer.

Sue Stupid

Saturday, September 24th, 2011

From my “Oh Just Shut Up!” Department:

It seems heat coming from your laptop computer can cause a rare skin condition called Erythema ab igne.  Some people say it can potentially turn into skin cancer years down the line.  Some people say just about anything.  So far about a dozen people have been diagnosed with this strange malady.

To catch it (so you can sue Bill Gates) here’s what you must do:

• Take off your pants (this only works on bare skin).

• Set your laptop on your thigh.

• Keep it running there for 12-or more hours a day.

• Repeat for 3 or 4 years.

When you see a slight, mottled dark area with small white blotches in it, you MAY have succeeded in burning yourself.  I say “may” because chances are this “condition” will go away in a few months.  Then you have to start all over again.

Sadly, this does not seem like a serious cancer causing condition.  Maybe you can tape your cell phone to your head to cause brain cancer.