Archive for April, 2011

Drunk Before the Reception

Saturday, April 30th, 2011


Friday, April 29th, 2011

I missed the Royal Wedding but it’s been thrown up by every news show all morning long. Reporters have been giving us the dullest of tidbits (the gold for Kate’s ring came from Wales) but only this blog will reveal the couples’ deepest secret:  Kate has a case of the pregs.

This shocker slipped by virtually everyone in the news media; but today, an awkward moment occurred in the wedding ceremony which raised British eyebrows.  The Prince could barely squeeze the wedding ring around Kate’s swollen finger!  Every woman who’s had a child knows swollen fingers are a sure sign of pregnancy.

Fortunately, Kate is a virtuous girl so the question of paternity will never be in doubt.  This solid fact precludes an embarrassing appearance on the Maury Povitch Show.

“Aunty Em, Aunty Em!”

Thursday, April 28th, 2011

Birth This!

Wednesday, April 27th, 2011

If you want Barrack Obama to have a 2nd term as President, you got good news today.  He produced the long form of his birth certificate  thereby giving in to right wing wing-nuts and Donald Trump.  At first I thought he was just being a waffling weuss like he’s been during his  term.

But then I figured out, he WANTS to run against Donald Trump! By seemingly answering Trump’s call to “produce your birth certificate”, he gives credence to someone who’s pretty much a joke in serious politics.

The Gallup poll above was taken last week.  Just for the hell of it, pollsters threw in the question about TRUMP’s birthplace – never suspecting people would react to it as they did. One-third of the respondents weren’t positive TRUMP was born in the United States!

This poll doesn’t necessarily show the average voter is ‘dumb as dust’ – just naive.  They also probably don’t care much about a campaign that’s a year and a half away.  And, of course,  there are a lot of episodes of “Dancing With the Stars” between now and then.

Why Did God Put Our Oil Under Iraqi Sand?

Tuesday, April 26th, 2011

Donald Trump used to be one of my favorite comedians.  Firing Miss America Prejeans, fighting with Rosie O’Donnell and Bill Cosby, diving into a dumpster for a commercial – hey, the guy used to be a million laughs.  I’ve never seen his reality TV show – or the star he got on Hollywood’s “Walk of Fame” but when he began to run for President, the Donald started to get a bit cranky.

When asked about rising oil prices, Trump said we should “just take it” from Iraq.

Say what?  Steal Iraq’s oil?

Donald said it wouldn‘t be stealing – it would pay us back for the $1.5 Trillion dollars we spent destroying that country.  Hmmm.  It seems Trump hasn’t been fired – he’s just fried.

I know one person who would LOVE to have the Donald get the Republican Presidential nomination:  Obama.  Every night he’s been on his knees praying, “Oh God, let it be Trump and Palin!”

Why is Nude Sunbathing Illegal?

Monday, April 25th, 2011

Who has the greater right?  A person who chooses to be “clothes free” at the ocean?  Or one who wants to “protect the children” and doesn’t want them to “see”?  Pick the kinky one.

I Deleted the Tattoo & Pierced Guy

Sunday, April 24th, 2011

Remember that ugly guy who was on my blog yesterday?  You know, the one covered in facial tattoos with enough pierced rings to sink a rowboat?  I just got sick of looking at him  – he creeped me out.

So for Easter I thought I’d post someone very different and came up with Jimmy Stewart.  I haven’t seen many Jimmy Stewart movies (except “It’s A Wonderful Life”) but my parents did and said he was “nice”.  With few exceptions, he played “nice guy” parts for his entire film career.  He was even nicer than Ronald Reagan in the movies!

It seems people don’t like very nice people very much.  I always heard ‘nice guys finish last’ but I thought that was just in sex.  I’ll bet Jimmie Stewart was nice pretty much all of the time.  That’s why I think mean people made up the rumor that underneath his shirt in this picture, he’s wearing a t-shirt that says: “Let’s Party You Slimey Gash!”

Fool, Spool, or Tool?

Friday, April 22nd, 2011

Who’s better at starting undeclared wars on foreign soil – Bush or Obama? So far, it’s a tie.

US drones are now exterminating even more of Ghadafi ground forces; we’ve already destroyed 30-40% of them. Obama’s top military adviser says the war looks like a stalemate and the “rebels” are calling for more US military might.

Here are things you must NOT think about:

• thousands upon thousands of Libyan civilian casualties causing more hatred of the US.

• many believe these rebels are infiltrated by Al-Qaeda (remember A-Q? think: World Trade Center).

• US involvement is costing us hundreds of millions of dollars per week in addition to what we spend on those other two Obama disasters: Iraq and Afghanistan.

• Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. And,

• Libya belongs to Libyans.

What can you do about it America?  Absolutely nothing.

Drowning in the Gene Pool

Thursday, April 21st, 2011

"Get back you bastards!"

One day last year I was kind of forced into a conversation with a few of the guys from my building. This all-male talk fest was rolling and the subject of kids came up.

Right away I could tell this just wasn’t going to be my lucky day. I mean I really don’t mind kids – if they’re somebody else’s’ – and live somewhere else – and I’m not there. But I’m proud of the fact that I was one of the first men in my county to have a vasectomy before having children – almost 30-years ago. Of course this conversation was not about NOT having children – it was all about the DUTY of having them. Uh-oh.

The least evolved of the group spoke loudest; it seems he has a “need to breed”.

“I gotta have a son to carry on my Family Line.”

Now the only “line” with which I would associate this guy and his family is the line at the Department of Social Services where he would need help filling out the application. If all of this guys’ offspring mutated into plants and vegetables, our gene pool would be a nicer place in which to swim. Of course I didn’t say all this – but I thought it.

My Vasectomy Scars Are Singing

Wednesday, April 20th, 2011