Archive for January, 2011

Taxeeee!!

Tuesday, January 25th, 2011

Do you know how hard it is to hail a cab in New York City?  In Buenos Aires it’s worse – much worse.  But that’s probably not why a 30-year Argentinean woman threw herself from the 23-floor of a hotel on Sunday landing on a cab.

Incredibly,  the woman (who landed face up on the taxi’s roof) was not killed but understandably has extensive injuries.  Less than two seconds before the landing, the driver exited his car to see why everyone was pointing and looking up.  The touchdown creased his cab’s roof and shattered its windshield but he was not injured.

Although many people think a botched suicide attempt is a “call for help”, I’d like to think, in this case anyway, it was just a call for a cab.

How Cold Is It?

Monday, January 24th, 2011

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It’s so cold people are breaking Commandments just to go to hell!

It’s so cold hitchhikers are holding up pictures of thumbs!

It’s so cold Obama is burning effigies of himself!

My Vastectomy Scars are Singing

Monday, January 24th, 2011

Thank you, Joe Belle-Isle

NOW Can You Hear Me?!

Saturday, January 22nd, 2011


The Los Angeles Times reports that one in every five teens has at least a slight hearing loss – a dramatic 77% rise in the last 15 years.  Undoubtedly the major contributor is electronic music devices such as I-Pods blaring loudly.  If you can hear the music from a kid’s buds while he’s wearing them, chances are he’s at least a little deaf.

So if you yell at a teenager and get no response, one in five may not hear your rant and the other four are just ignoring you.

Can’t Stop the Flo

Wednesday, January 19th, 2011

I think “Flo”, the Progressive Insurance spokeswoman, is funny and hot.  She’s played by actress-comedian Stephanie Courtney and there’s just something about her.

Flo is recognized by her exuberant personality, her excited and overly-sincere quest to please customers, her pre-hippy ‘60’s makeup and dumb hair. The makeup alone takes hours to apply.  She’s now done over 50 Progressive commercials and has a huge fan base.

“Flo could be one of my improv characters”, says Ms. Courtney, “always on and sort of cracked in a weird way.”

I think she kicks that annoying lizard’s ass!

“There’s a Sucker Born Every Minute”

Wednesday, January 19th, 2011

This quote is usually attributed to P.T. Barnum….or WC Fields. Not so. The first person to utter these words of solid business advice was George Hull. Who?

George Hull was a devout atheist who lived in Binghamton, New York in the 1860’s. One night he got into a heated argument with a fundamentalist preacher about ‘how literal is the Bible?’  Preacher said, “every single word.” Hull thought “nutcase” and came up with a scheme that would eventually bring jealous tears to the eyes of old P.T. himself.

Hull knew the Book of Genesis talked about “giants roaming the earth”. He also knew there were countless Christian believers roaming the earth always looking for Biblical “proof” – and they had more faith than sense. So Hull, whose only religion was the quote above, decided to give them “proof” – for a small fee, of course.

In 1868, Hull commissioned a stone carver to sculpt a 10-foot, 5-inch “fossilized giant” for $2600 – a lot of money in those days. Of course the stone carver was no Michelangelo but – hey – you lie in the earth for a few million years and see how you look!  Next, Hull buried his masterpiece at a friend’s farm in Cardiff, NY.  A year later, in 1869, workers were hired to dig a well on the farm.  Instead, they “discovered” the giant.

Naturally, geologists immediately denounced the giant as a ridiculous fraud but, as Hull had guessed, fervent fundamentalists “swore” it was real – “just look at the Bible!” After a short time Hull made over $30,000 – a WHOLE lot of money in those days – charging the faithful 50-cents a peek.

P.T. “Egress” Barnum knew a good fraud when he saw one and offered to buy the Cardiff Giant.  George Hull said “no thanks.”  And then, in what has to be one one of the funniest footnotes in American history, Barnum HAD HIS OWN CARDIFF GIANT CARVED and exhibited it across the country.  In other words, Barnum was making money from a fake of a fake!

Today the giant rests peaceably in the Farmers Museum in Cooperstown, New York.  Not surprisingly, you have to pay an additional fee to see it – just like in the old days.  However, there’s no truth to the rumors that the giant is wrapped in the Shroud of Turin or the snack bar sells “Jesus-Face Tacos” for a buck and a half.

Fewer Than I Thought

Tuesday, January 18th, 2011

tshirthell.com

Finally, I Got It

Monday, January 17th, 2011

Today is “Dr. Martin Luther King Day”.  The kids got the day off from school.

When I saw Google’s header tribute to King, I was disappointed.

“Hell,” I thought, “there’s more to today than students being free to play hopscotch.”  Then I looked closer.  The kids playing together are different colors.  How cool is that?

I’ll bet Dr. King smiled.

Stamp Tramp

Monday, January 17th, 2011

“Got anything else to say?  There’s plenty of room on your back.”

Red Hairing

Monday, January 17th, 2011

I read an article about women with red hair and the last thing you should ever ask is “Does the carpet match the drapes?”  It’s only a little above “Are you  naked under those clothes?” and far below (to a beautiful stranger you haven’t met): “I think we should be ‘Just Friends’.

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